Well HELLO!! I have been absent from this blog for quite some time. Since the catastrophe that was COVID-19 (yes, I know we’re still struggling with it, but it’s thankfully much better than it was), so many major things have happened in my life. I got a new job, got married, and moved into a new home…..that’s A LOT. If you’re reading this, I hope you are happy, healthy, and doing well. I’d been wondering what to write about to get back into the swing of things on here when an interesting thought occurred to me the other day that I wanted to share. It’s not about divorce, but it does have to do with relationships.

For the longest time, as an adult, I have longed for friendships. Don’t get me wrong, I have had and currently have plenty of people in my life whom I consider to be friends of mine. But I’ve wished for that tribe, that group. I’ve had dreams of my own version of a Brat Pack movie from the ‘80’s, my own band of misfits where the relationships are close enough to be randomly interchangeable, where we’re a part of each other’s lives and go through everything together, good and bad. After divorce, the need for these relationships was especially intense. I was also longing for the right person to spend my life with, my true love. Of the two, I thought the friend group would be the easier find and that the soulmate would take forever, if it even happened at all. I never would have guessed that I’d be nearing four years in a relationship with my now husband and still not be living in those “friendship goals” I had my heart set on.

I’ve often wondered why this is. I am a people person by nature. I remember having “friend groups,“ both as a younger kid and as a young adult. But when I entered into the coma that was my abusive marriage, it’s like I was frozen in time for 15 years. When I thawed out at the age of 37 with two kids, true and meaningful adult friendships were very hard to forge. I’ve had great relationships with random people I’ve met while out and about and awesome connections with my co-workers, still do. But I never found that “tribe” I was hoping for.

There have been so many moments when I’ve looked at people’s social media accounts (I know, bad idea…) and seen their various outings and excursions and wondered why I don’t have that. If no one liked me, if I didn’t treat the people in my life very well, if I had horrible social skills, it would make more sense. But I can say with confidence that none of those things are true of me. So, it has left me feeling alone, feeling like I’m broken. People seem to like me, but I’m in no one’s “circle.” Why?

The other day, I had a thought that may possibly change my perspective. I mean….we’ll see. I literally just had this thought, so who knows…

I thought to myself….people DO like me. I’ve established some very meaningful bonds with multiple people in my little corner of the world. We may not take a billion pictures together or go on road trips or text incessantly. In some cases, I may never see them in person. My interactions with some friends of mine are primarily online (some not most, and yes, I know the online friends personally). So, compared to what we typically think of in terms of friend groups, mine may be a bit unorthodox, as is most everything else in my life. But these people mean a great deal to me, and I like to believe I mean the same to them. They may have traditional rendezvous with other people, but with me…..well, it seems that we’re just there for each other on a consistent basis, to make each other’s lives richer and more colorful and interesting. So, maybe I do have my “tribe,” even though it doesn’t look quite like I expected it to.

When I really think about it, I enjoy a decent amount of alone time. Now, I would be dangerously depressed if I were alone all the time, even the vast majority of the time. But maybe, I’ve supposed of late, I don’t need or want the constant interaction. Perhaps I don’t require all the photos or nights out or parties or whatever else it is that everyone does. Maybe I don’t need to “network” so much. Maybe I’m more happy being alone with myself than I realized, which for me is a step up from being terrified of being alone several years ago.

So, aside from the obvious lesson that we need not compare ourselves to others, and aside from the fact that I’d still appreciate maybe one or two really good friends to go out and do things with from time to time, I think I’ve learned that the things society tells us we have to have are not necessarily mandatory for us to achieve contentment. When I thought about all the people who are a part of my life, a picture came into my mind….

I thought about how when I was a kid and we went to the beach, sometimes the tide would roll up on the shore and then retreat to reveal beautiful, colorful things; pieces of shells and various stones and rocks that we’d never have known were there if the tide hadn’t brought them up for us to see. And I thought to myself that at the end of my life, if anyone has the opportunity to roll back my world and see who was actually in there – the friends from my childhood who I still communicate with, present and former co-workers, the random amazing humans I’ve just met while out and about or through mutual acquaintances – they’ll see all the wonderful, unique, different, lovely people they never knew were there but whom I enjoyed knowing. They make my life better, even if I don’t saturate my social media accounts with pictures of our times together, the best of which are personal and heartfelt and can’t be captured by any sort of camera anyway.

So, maybe I’m more comfortable with the way things are than I previously thought I was. Maybe, just like everything else in my life, doing things differently than the rest of the world is the best way for me to go. Maybe I AM doing life with these people, just not in the way I thought I would. These are “deconstructed friendships,” where we love our interactions and are always happy to see each other, but we don’t have to be together all the time. And I think I’m satisfied with that.

Is there something in your life that you’ve been looking for but may actually already have? Are there things you’ve been wishing for that are hiding underneath all your worry? Are your expectations robbing you of contentment and gratitude? At the risk of breaking the poetic ramblings here, I know life can legit suck sometimes and that we absolutely have a reason to hope for better things in certain areas. But let’s not miss the good stuff because we’re expecting a different picture than the one we see every day.

I am strong. You are strong. Let’s do this together.

I suppose I should start with a very belated Happy New Year to anyone reading, as this is actually my first post of 2020!  It’s been a busy, crazy, eventful three months so far.  But here I am, back to sharing my thoughts and reaching out to fellow divorcees, soon-to-be divorcees, friends, acquaintances, strangers….basically anyone who wants to read my random musings, but particularly anyone looking for a new perspective on divorce and relationships.  It’s been good for me to share the things I’ve been learning since July 22, 2017, the day I mustered the courage to drive away from a life of fear into a life of freedom.  If you’ve read anything I’ve posted thus far, I hope it’s been helpful for you as well.

Speaking of this year and the current state of things, I make no big secret on here of the fact that I have been incredibly fortunate to finally find a loving relationship with someone who is truly good to me. If you are not there yet, I am not mentioning this to make you feel bad. I know how difficult it can be to listen to someone go on and on about their amazing relationship when you’re still looking for one and suffering through the pain of being alone. Hang with me, though…..there’s a point to this. So, for the past year and a half, I have been in a great relationship with a wonderful man. It has had its ups and downs, as we have been learning together how to navigate a healthy relationship, how to communicate properly, how to handle conflict in an effective way, how to consistently build trust, and so many other things. Now, not all of the relationships I’ve had in my life have been toxic. But the ones that were generally free of drama were surface-level and short-lived. My former marriage was incredibly unhealthy, filled with fear, control, abuse of every kind, and constant stress. Suffice it to say that although I have certainly had people care for me in my lifetime, I have never felt a love from someone that has been able to break through the solid wall of mistrust that has encapsulated my heart for most of my life. No one’s love has been able to sink in to the point that I actually “felt loved” and felt secure in that love…..until now. This guy listens to me. He cares about me. He does things for me just because he wants to. He’s interested in how my day went and what I think about. He’s patient with me when I make mistakes and bears with all my silly quirks and goofy ways I can sometimes have. He supports me and encourages me and builds me up, but also tells me the tough truth in a loving way when I need to hear it. He respects me in every way and has earned my trust more than anyone in my whole life ever has. Though I had to wait a long time to finally find him, he was certainly worth it!

It’s been interesting to me the reaction I’ve gotten from different people when I speak about my relationship.  For too many years (almost two decades), I had to listen to so many people go on about how wonderful their partner was.  Even when I would be in a group of women who were complaining a bit about their spouses, they would always come back around to how grateful they were for their men.  I could never participate.  I couldn’t brag.  All I could think about was how they didn’t like these little idiosyncrasies their guys had or how the men were giving them a fit in some certain area of life…….none of them had any idea that I was afraid to go back home.  They didn’t know what it felt like to be screamed at or grabbed or pushed or some of the other things that happened to me often.  Now that I am finally being treated like a valuable human being by someone who loves me, I wanna tell the world (well, minus my ex, of course)!  Like I said, though……..it’s been interesting.  When I share these things with people who have only ever been married to their true loves, their “soulmates,” I’ve frequently gotten this odd, blank look with the response, “You realize that’s how people are supposed to treat people, right?”  I mean, I guess I do now, but that doesn’t make it any less thrilling and wonderful to me.

 Listen, I’m not upset by that response.  I know what they mean.  I think (at least, I hope) they’re trying to make the point that what happened to me before is not normal.  Being treated respectfully and lovingly is normal for a healthy relationship.  I get that.  But for me, after having been through the hell that was my marriage (and that is only half of my life story), having someone who is good to me like this is something so amazing that I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.  So, even though I’d love for more people to share my excitement, I get that most people I talk to are in good relationships and don’t understand how it feels to experience the extreme that I did.  But I guess that’s my point in saying all of this…….When you’ve never had someone be good to you, when what you’re used to is fear and criticism and abuse, when you’re not used to being respected and cherished and loved, it feels like the greatest gift in the whole world to finally receive that from someone.  So, I guess for me, “normal” is the best thing I’ve ever felt.  My guy is my superhero!

Right now, my mind is on what we’re used to and how we respond when we find ourselves in a situation that isn’t our norm.  In my case, as far as relationships go, I was used to something terrible.  Therefore, something really good feels 100 times better to me than it might to someone who’s used to being treated well (that, of course, being my own humble opinion).  It has me thinking a lot about the craziness that is going on in our world right now.  This post is going to be a little bit backward in the sense that, whereas I typically begin with a thought and tie it into the subject of relationships, I’m beginning with relationships and painting that idea into a broader picture. 

At this moment, our world has definitely had its feet kicked out from under it. We are all having to adjust to a life that most of us don’t recognize. Unless it’s absolutely necessary, we can’t leave our homes. We can’t go and hang out with our friends after work. We can’t go post up at a bar and grab drinks and chat about the day. We can’t go out to dinner at our favorite restaurants or meet up with a friend at the local coffee shop. We can’t even go work out at the gym! We get to go to work (IF we’re still working), to the grocery store or whatever other store we absolutely need to go to for essentials, maybe the gas station if necessary, and home. That’s IT. Maybe some of us live in places where we can at least get out and take a walk or go up to the mountains and enjoy nature. But as far as spending lots of time with friends and family………we can’t have that right now. If you take the time, it can really make you think……….

I miss being in a noisy place, surrounded by a sea of different voices, the occasional robust laughter, music in the background, people shuffling in and out of the room, chairs being scooted across the floor here and there, hearing “Heeeeeey, haven’t seen you in forever!  How’ve you been?” or “Ok, y’all have a good night and take care!”  I miss striking up conversations with strangers and seeing that faint grin on their faces and that spark ignite in their eyes when you know you’re starting to make a connection with them.  I miss being loud and silly with people whom I like spending time with.   I miss meeting up with friends for coffee.  I miss going into the gym and working out, there with a bunch of other people who are committed to taking care of themselves as well.  I miss getting up in front of grateful groups of people and singing with my sweetheart (we sing together).  I miss “having to” wake up early and take my kids to school.  I miss “having to” go to the grocery store (now, I strategically go when I’m able and it feels great to be able to do so at all!).  I miss trying to decide what to wear based on the ever-changing weather (because I’m likely not going anywhere on any given day right now).  Hell, I even miss the ever-changing weather!  I miss sitting in traffic, wishing people would hurry up and move down the road already.  I miss taking forever trying to decide with my kids where we’re going to go for lunch or dinner on the weekends.  I miss going to church with my kiddos on Sunday mornings.  I miss what I have come to know as “life,” as “normal.”  I miss the good, the bad, and the ugly of it.  I want it back.

Isn’t it interesting how much we can appreciate “normal” things when they’re taken away from us?  As a law-abiding road-rager (….. 😊 ), people who do not drive…..well, “correctly,” in my book, get on my very last nerve.  But right now, I’d give anything to be sitting in traffic about 9 hours from now, because it would mean that I was going somewhere, out and about in society where I love to be (remind me I said this when “normal” truly does return!).  I’d love it if I had to set my alarm and wake up at dark thirty in the morning to pack up my kiddos for school and make that drive……not because I want them out of my house, but because it would mean they would get to see their friends.  And even though I am not a gym rat by any means, it would be fantastic if tomorrow, I could go into the gym, chat with the staff there, and work my butt off for a good while and walk out feeling accomplished.  That day’s not coming anytime really soon, though. 

When this awful COVID-19 crisis is on its way outta here and we start to venture back out and resume our “normal” lives, I really hope we don’t forget what this felt like.  I hope we remember how it felt to be cut off from our loved ones, to not be able to come and go and do as we pleased.  I hope we remember when we were worried about how we were going to feed our families and about whether or not we were going to have a job when all this was over with.  I hope we remember the doctors and nurses and grocery store employees and local business owners who helped us get through this crazy mess and that when we do, we’re filled with so much gratitude that we’ll never get over it.  I hope we remember how things as simple as toilet paper and soap, things every household is “supposed” to have on a regular basis, were such prized commodities that we counted ourselves fortunate to find even a small amount of them.  I hope we never forget when our “normal” got taken from us and that we proceed forward in life with more thankful hearts and a greater appreciation for the people around us, for the freedom that we enjoy in our daily lives, for the simple things we sometimes complain about but have the opportunity to do if we want to.  And I hope we never forget the thousands of people in our world who sadly did not make it back to “normal” with us.  Maybe when we return to it, our normal will feel 100 times better than it did before.

The saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” really does ring true right now.  I feel compelled to be more thankful than ever for the good things and good people in my life.  We never know when they may not be there.  I hope and pray this terrible time passes quickly and that those of us who survive it can go out and do life together again very soon.  And when we do, I hope we do it with more kindness and gratitude than ever, now that we know how wonderful and amazing “normal” really is.

Hang in there.  Be safe and keep others safe.  We’ll hopefully see each other soon!

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together.

It’s that time of year again, friends!  Today is Christmas Eve-Eve.  It’s that time when the roads are consistently jammed with shoppers who waited til the last minute to start chipping away at their Christmas list, or those who just need that “one more thing” for someone special.  It’s the time when you’re asked the same questions multiple times in the span of about two weeks – “Are you all ready for Christmas?”  “Have you gotten all of your shopping done yet?”  “What are you doing for the holidays?”  “Are you going out of town this year?” “Are your kids getting excited for Christmas?”  Same ol’ generic social questions we ask each other every single year.  It’s the time when you willfully downgrade your diet on your priority list and vow to make amends for it after the new year.  It’s the time of debate, when we scroll through our social media and see some friends who broke out the red and green and the Bing Crosby right along with their turkey and cranberry sauce, while others were very clear about what they would do to you if they heard one single jingle bell before the Christmas season had “officially” begun.  We also see some make mention of Santa and Frosty and elves on shelves, while others are there to (constantly) remind us of the True Reason for the season. 

Speaking of social media, it can be a source of discouragement for some of us during the holidays.  For those of us who are divorced or going through divorce right now, it can be a constant reminder of the pain of having our family portraits permanently changed.  I know that it’s been difficult for me to scroll through my Facebook or Instagram feed and see all the happy families, perfectly posed and color-coordinated and smiling like they’re living their best lives.  Truthfully, it was difficult to look at even when I was married.  But it brings a different kind of pain now.  A complete family is something I’ve always longed for.  I wouldn’t say that I’m jealous of others for what they have.  It’s simply a reminder that there is still a missing piece to my puzzle.  My picture isn’t complete.  That hurts.  And so, I scroll on, avoiding lingering on any one family photo for too long, doling out the obligatory likes for whom it will matter, and trying not to dwell on discouraging thoughts.

Something else that some of my fellow divorcees out there might not be looking forward to are the inevitable comments and questions from family.  They may ask you about your ex, or if you’ve found anyone special yet.  If you have, they might start asking if or when you’re going to marry them.  They may bring up the past, opening up wounds and recalling memories from all you’ve been through with your divorce.  They usually mean well.  Still, it can be a lot to face, especially during the holidays, when you’re already struggling with all the changes from the way things used to be. 

For some of us, our minds are our sole battleground.  Last year, I saw several of my friends struggle with bouts of depression during the holidays.  This wasn’t limited to Christmastime, either.  This stretch of time spanned from Thanksgiving on through the first few weeks of the new year, maybe even til after Valentines Day.  There are a lot of special moments included in those months, moments that used to hold different faces, colors, sounds, smells, and feelings than they do now.  Some of us don’t see our children as much as we’d like to during the holidays.  Some don’t get to wake up with their kids on Christmas morning anymore.  Some get to see their babies for a few hours before they have to hand them back to the other parent.  Some don’t have family that live close enough to visit with, and therefore end up spending those special days completely alone.  And so, for some of us, the holidays bring a deep, aching loneliness colder than any winter weather could ever be. 

Can you relate to any of this?  Do you scroll through your social media feeds during the holidays and just feel like throwing your phone across the room?  Do you get tired of the questions and comments and prying?  Is this a time for you when all the memories flood your mind and heart with a crushing tidal wave of sorrow over what will never again be? 

YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

This time of year can be tough for those of us who’ve had our family portraits altered, especially for those who don’t feel like their picture is complete yet.  But there are things we can do that can help us get through it.  I truly hope that none of this comes across with a “preachy” tone.  Believe me, I get it.  I know how difficult this time can be.  But I also know that we have to be strong and take care of ourselves in the face of that difficulty.  We have to keep on…..for our kiddos, for our friends and families, and especially for ourselves……….

Listen….I want to pause right here and add that it doesn’t matter whether your divorce was your fault or not.  I think when talking about divorce, we tend to forget that some people also carry the enormous burden of knowing that they are the ones who changed the picture.   They are the reason things are different.  They are sitting alone at home or at the only open restaurant in town because of something they did.  That…..is……heavy.  And in the next post or two, I’m going to address that side of things.  But right now, I want to say that regardless of whether your choices are what caused this to happen or not, we all….yes, ALL of us….have the right to have good lives and better ourselves moving forward. 

That being said, here are some ideas for getting through the holidays when your picture looks different than it used to (and different than everyone else’s):

Make new memories.  The first year my picture looked different, my kiddos and I attended a Christmas Eve service at our new church.  Afterward, we were looking for a place to get some dinner.  We drove around for I don’t even know how long, trying to find somewhere that would be open on Christmas Eve.  The only thing we found was the little Pizza Hut not too far from our house.  We took silly selfies and ate pizza and had a great time together.  Was it different?  Yes.  But that’s what made it special!  It was our memory that we created, just us three.  We did the same thing the following Christmas Eve.  This year, due to our schedule being a little different than usual, we aren’t going to be able to do our Pizza Hut run.  So, we did pizza and a movie at home last night.  We’re making new memories, new traditions.  We’re taking the situation we’ve been given and making something new and special with it, even if it’s just a little silly pizza night right before Christmas day.  You can’t go back and have what you used to have……..but you can make something new that is just as special!

 Reach out.  This Thanksgiving, I did not have my kids and chose not to see my family.  As I said before, I saw several friends last year struggle significantly during that time.  My plan was to open up my home to all of my friends who had no one to spend Thanksgiving with and make a meal for them.  Well…….that didn’t quite pan out (everyone made some sort of plan before I could officially arrange things).  But neither myself nor my boyfriend had our kids, so we spent that day together.  If you can plan things better than I can (which wouldn’t take much effort, I’m sorry to say!), see if there are other friends who don’t have any plans for the holidays.  Invite them over.  Suggest meeting up and doing something fun together.  You’re not intruding.  You’re not being pathetic (so don’t even go there in your mind).  It’s important to stick close to those who know the same kind of pain you do.  You can be a great support system for each other.  Plus, it’s another great way to create new memories this time of year.

Be healthy.  One thing we have to guard against when we’re hurting and alone is becoming self-destructive.  Although it might seem like the only thing you feel like doing, sitting at home alone and drinking yourself into a coma (or eating yourself into a coma) isn’t going to make you feel better in the long run.  Going out and doing the same thing in a public place isn’t going to help either and could also be dangerous.  On New Year’s Day this year, I was struggling for various reasons.  On a whim, I decided to get out of town.  I drove about an hour and a half out to this little country town that has a lot of great hiking trails.  I hiked all the way to an absolutely gorgeous waterfall, all by myself.  I then drove back home and had a lovely dinner at a new restaurant I’d been hearing good things about, all by myself.  I then got together with a couple of friends for an hour or two.  Then I went home, all by myself.  It was a good day, a day I enjoyed mostly by myself. Now, I am someone who usually hates being alone.  I am definitely someone who gets my energy from social interaction.  But when I had no choice, I turned it into a great memory.  Don’t sit at home or in a bar and let the pain consume you.  What do you like to do?  What gives you energy?  What can distract your attention from the hurt?  Do that thing…..as long as it’s healthy.

Reflect on the good.  OK……..no one’s gonna like this one very much.  Honestly, I kinda hate it when I’m ticked off and someone tells me to be grateful for what I have.  I don’t feel like being grateful.  I feel like being pissed!  I want to marinate in what’s bothering me for a while, and I don’t want anyone trying to pull me out of that feeling until I’m good and ready to get out of it on my own.  It’s okay to let the hurt hit, to acknowledge that the situation doesn’t feel good.  But we can’t stay there.  We have to step out of that room of suffering, close the door, and into the room where we look around and notice what’s currently right in our world.  I don’t have any money.  I’m almost 40 and still not married.  I’m a divorced mom with two kids, no babysitters, and no family nearby to help me out.  I could go on and on, but I won’t.  When I walk into the thankful room, I see two awesome kids who are doing great in school this year.  I see the fact that I have had a couple people help me out over the holidays this year just out of the goodness of their hearts.  I see that I have a really amazing person in my life who I couldn’t be more grateful for.  I see that I am in good health.  I see that I have a roof over my head.  I could go on and on about those things too.  We’ll sink into a dark, gross place if we stay in the other room.  Walk out of that and look at all the good you have.  You’ll see it if you choose to look for it.  Sometimes, having that perspective can be the very thing to help you keep your head above water during times like these.

Notice that I did not offer up the ever-popular “volunteer at a soup kitchen” type of suggestion.  Though that is a wonderful thing to do, it’s not a good idea for everyone.  For some, giving of themselves to others helps them forget about their own struggles.  Others, though, just may not have enough to give.  They may be too emotionally depleted.  It can make you feel like a terrible person when you think you “should” be doing volunteer or charity work, but you just can’t find the mental and emotional energy to do so.  If you think it would make you feel better to go out and do something like that, by all means, do it!  Like I said, it is absolutely a great thing to do, if you think you can handle it.  But some who are struggling most significantly may need to be poured into rather than to pour into others.  It’s okay to prioritize self-care right now.  As it’s been said, you can’t pour from an empty cup!

What will you do to make your picture a little brighter this year?  How will you change it?  What kind of new, special memories will you make? 

I do hope that everyone who reads this has a very Merry Christmas!

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together! 

With some exceptions, most of us start learning to talk when we’re just shy of a year old.  We’ve barely even gotten started in this crazy world when we begin learning to answer questions with “yes” and “no,” tell our parents if we want or need something, and indicate what we like and dislike.  After a bit, we begin learning to form sentences and carry on basic conversation.  We learn to express ourselves with phrases like “thank you” and “I love you” and “No! I don’t want to!” (we all went through the terrible threes……yes, threes are worse than the twos…as a parent, I’m convinced of this).  We have to be told at some point to be polite and not just blurt out whatever we’re thinking, yet also learn to lie to get out of trouble.  All in all, we’ve been at this communication thing our whole lives.

So………why is it so difficult in adulthood to properly communicate?  Why do we suddenly start having a problem asking for what we need, telling someone what we do and don’t like?  Why do we struggle to say “no” when we have too much on our plates, or to tell someone how we feel about them?  If it was so easy to do when we were little kids, what happened?

Life happened.  Innocent children don’t know that there’s a risk in communicating openly and honestly.  They haven’t been lied to or cheated on.  They (hopefully!) haven’t been abused or abandoned.  They haven’t experienced sharing their deepest, truest feelings with someone, only to be coldly rejected when that person doesn’t feel the same way.  Life really screws us up, doesn’t it…..rendering us unable to do what a toddler can do.  Every disappointment, heartbreak, and betrayal puts another dent in our ability to share our thoughts and feelings with others, resulting in whatever mangled mess we end up with after several decades.

It’s okay.  It’s impossible to get through life without a lot of damages (see two posts ago..).  We just have to find ways to work through the damages to get to the healthy places.  In order to do that, we have to identify where our struggles might be coming from.  For example, I have a long history of people leading me to believe that my feelings are ridiculous, that I either don’t know what I’m talking about or that I’m overreacting.  Now, I could be mistaken at times.  I could be overreacting at times.  But I’ve been made to feel like that is almost always the case, no matter what I do.  The result is my current hesitation to share how I truly feel with friends and partners out of fear that maybe I’m confused or feeling too much.  When I hold back something I need to share, it causes tension in my relationships.  Tension leads to legit problems, which can (and do) sometimes lead to dissolution of those relationships.  So, In my attempt to fix that issue about myself, if I find someone who opens a door for me to share and I start feeling comfortable doing that (which takes a while for me), then I start talking.  But then…I get nervous and vulnerable about it and start thinking that maybe I overshared (whether or not I actually did), and I pull back again.  So I get in a vicious cycle of getting close, backing off, getting close, etc.  Get the picture? 

What are some of your roadblocks?  What things have happened in your life that might be causing you to struggle with communicating effectively in your relationships?  A number of things could cause it to be complicated for us.  Did you have a parent or a partner who became super skittish when it came to talking about anything personal?  I once dated someone who felt it necessary to make the point, more than once, that he was not a “feelings guy.”  It certainly didn’t mean that he didn’t have any feelings, but rather that he did not like to express them or discuss them.  When I needed clarity about where things were going with us, I hesitated for weeks to bring it up out of concern that he would get totally freaked out and completely end things.  When I finally couldn’t take it any longer and asked him about it, I discovered that my fears were, unfortunately, justified.  Some people are just really funny about discussing the serious stuff.  They avoid all deep, personal conversations.  If you had a parent or partner like this, one who backed off and tuned out anytime things got real, it can definitely cause you some issues.  It could lead you to keep your relationships at a surface level because it’s what you know.  It could cause you to confide in someone other than your partner, even if your current partner is actually willing to listen. It could also lead to unhealthy habits, like using alcohol or other substances to dull the feelings, or overworking yourself so that you stay distracted at all times.  You start to view having feelings as a negative thing, because your partner presented it that way to you.

If you’ve been in an abusive or controlling relationship, with a parent or a partner, you may have been trained to believe that your feelings don’t matter.  You might put your partner’s needs so far above your own that you begin catering to them and doting on them more than necessary.  If they want to do something or go somewhere, you always say yes, even if you don’t want to do it.  If they do something that hurts you, you just toughen up and take it, just like you always have.  You learn that your partner’s happiness is all that matters.  You learn to keep the peace.  As long as they’re fine, you’re fine.  From your experience, you’ve come to believe that any sort of conflict will turn into a hellish nightmare, and therefore must be avoided at all costs.  So, you are content (so you think) to not have any personal rights in the relationship as long as you can keep a smile on your partner’s face and keep them from having any sort of negative emotion toward you.  Speaking from personal experience………..this doesn’t work.  Human beings are not static creatures.  We ebb and flow constantly.  Sometimes we feel great, other times we want to be left alone.  Sometimes we feel like our partner is just the dadgum snap and crackle to our pop, and sometimes they kinda come across like slightly stale cereal someone forgot to close the bag on overnight.  I mean, that is just the plain truth.  And it’s okay.  It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you if they don’t like something you have to say.  It is okay if your partner isn’t happy all the time.  They’re human and not really supposed to be happy all the time, for one.  For another, their feelings are not your responsibility.  Finally, your feelings and your partner’s feelings are equally important…….EQUALLY IMPORTANT.  It may take time to come to terms with the reality that you have just as much right to speak up as they do.  But please understand that if your partner loves you and cares about the relationship at all, they will listen and respect you.

 Maybe you’re not a “feelings person” yourself.  Maybe you tried that once, and trust was severely broken.  Maybe you shared your heart with someone and got it thrown right back in your face by way of rejection.  Maybe you saw other people in your life get hurt and decided to put up a strong, high wall with people to ensure that the same thing never happened to you.  Maybe sharing your feelings makes you feel vulnerable, makes you feel weak for needing or wanting something.  Maybe you don’t want to be a burden on others, so you just deal with your stuff on your own (doesn’t work, I’ve tried – we all need people).  Maybe you’re someone who used to live life at the other end of the spectrum, being overly emotional and dependent on others.  Seeing the problems that caused, you now overcorrect by keeping everything locked up tightly within you.  Maybe in your family or in a former relationship, appearances were particularly important.   Your community couldn’t know that there were problems.  You had to live out a façade so that no one would know that your lives were anything less than picture perfect.  So, you just continue to put on that social face, that mask you wear to work and church and around your friends and acquaintances, and also with your partner.  You don’t know how to take it off.  You could be dying inside and no one would know it.  Honestly, this can lead to serious health problems, both mentally and physically.  If you don’t want to feel too vulnerable, it might be a good idea to reach out and get counselling from a professional.  No one has to know that you’re doing this for yourself if you don’t want them to.  You can talk things out with an unbiased person who is literally there just to listen and help you.  If this is you, please……for your own sake, find someone you trust enough to talk to when you’re having a hard time.  It can help you to be able to communicate with your partner as well.  Though it might be uncomfortable and even feel intimidating at times, it’s extremely important to have an open line of communication with your significant other.  The more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel with it over time.  Your partner will be thankful for it, and you will relieve so much stress off yourself.

Regardless of whatever underlying reasons exist for our individual struggles with communication in relationships, opening up and sharing the personal stuff can make anyone feel exposed and vulnerable.  However, we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to step out and go there.  If we don’t have the courage to communicate, it can cause serious, potentially long-term personal problems.  Let’s look at a few examples…….

Let’s say that your partner is not nurturing you emotionally.  Or maybe they have become so caught up in their work that they have neglected quality time with you.  Maybe physical intimacy is lacking.  You want to tell your partner that you need them to pay attention to you, to rekindle the closeness and the bond you two once shared.  You want them to do their part in re-establishing that connection.  But you’re afraid.  You feel weak asking for personal, emotional things like that.  It makes you feel like you’re having to beg your partner to love you, which makes you feel pathetic.  Maybe your partner can be a bit unapproachable.  Maybe they’re not a great listener, which makes you all the more hesitant to start this much-needed conversation with them.  So, you decide that rather than talk to them about what you need, you’ll just make do with what they’re giving you.  The Problem:  First of all, it’s going to be difficult for you to be happy in that relationship (your happiness does matter, by the way).  The more unfulfilled you feel, the more bitter you might become.  You may start to pull away from your partner and give less to them because you feel like they aren’t giving enough to you.  This can lead to either one of you finding fulfillment in another person, even if you’re not looking for it (that whole “right place, right time” thing).  That can, of course, lead to infidelity and wreak havoc on all the families involved, leaving whoever stepped out with a lifelong sense of guilt.  This is an example of how avoiding the conflict and trying to “make do” makes us more vulnerable than taking a chance, bypassing our feelings of insecurity and fear, and having an honest conversation.  

Here’s another example…….Maybe you are struggling with something internally, something that has nothing to do with your partner.  You love them, but you really need a bit of space to get your thoughts and feelings together.  However, you don’t know how to express your need for that.  What if they take it personally?  What if they feel like you’re pushing them away?  What if they get angry and it causes a huge fight, which will not only tarnish the relationship but also add to the weight of stress you’re already under?  So, you just don’t say anything.  It’ll be fine.  You can deal with it.  But without even meaning to, you become distant due to being distracted by whatever’s going on in your life, as well as by your need for space that just won’t be ignored.  All your partner sees is your behavior, the chill you’re giving off because you need some room but don’t know how to ask for it.  They just see you pulling back and withdrawing affection, not reaching out, etc.  Naturally, they’re going to wonder what’s going on.  And if your personal issues are directly affecting the way you’re behaving toward your partner, they may assume that it has something to do with them……….which is exactly what you were trying to avoid by not telling them you needed space!  So, you see……not just coming out with it and expressing yourself may cause even more problems than the conversation would have.  At the very least, it will cause the same problem, so what’s the difference?  It’s worth it to just say something. 

One more example:  Let’s imagine that your partner has been acting differently lately.  Maybe they’re the one who’s been being distant.  Or maybe they have a new, attractive co-worker whom they’ve been talking to a lot lately, and it makes you uncomfortable.  Maybe they’ve been cancelling plans with you recently, or the romance between the two of you has noticeably mellowed out lately.  You wonder what in the world is going on.  You worry and think about it a lot, but you’re afraid to say something.  You want to say, “I feel like you’ve been distant lately.  Is everything okay?”  But you don’t want to come across as a drama queen.  You want to ask about the co-worker, but you don’t want to be seen as a jealous partner (or get labeled as “crazy” or possessive).  You want to bring up the fact that things have changed between the two of you, but you don’t want to seem needy, clingy, or neurotic.  The point of this example is that you are legitimately worried about something, it is causing you serious stress, but you’re afraid to say something.  So, you let your anxiety take over.  You let it chip away at you day after day.  It may cause you to lose your appetite, or possibly to overeat.  You might sink into depression, which can cause problems with all of your other relationships (kids, family, co-workers).  Your job performance could suffer.  Your partner will definitely notice that something is off-kilter, but you will go inward and avoid talking about it out of fear.  Again, your partner will only see your behavior……and what will that look like to them?  The behavior without context might cause you to appear dramatic, overly-emotional, not healthy, not in control of your life…..all things that you’re trying to avoid by not bringing up what’s bothering you.  This can sometimes push your partner further away, which can make you worry even more, which can ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

There are so many other scenarios I could come up with to show how not communicating can lead to self-fulfilling prophecy (essentially bringing about a feared outcome by your attempts to avoid it).  Yes, it’s scary.  We don’t want to upset our partners or paint ourselves as needy or weak.  We don’t want to cause drama and tension between ourselves and someone else.  But it’s absolutely essential to get things out of our systems and have the tough conversations.  It’s the best chance our relationships have of being healthy, strong, and long-lasting.

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together. 

One sunny morning, a little flower flipped open her petals for the very first time and looked up at the bright sun shining down on her face. She drank in the comforting warmth of its rays, soaking up all the loving nourishment it so kindly gave. All throughout the day, the sun shone down on the little flower, and the flower stretched her colorful petals as wide as they would go, lifted her tiny face upward, and said, in her own little way, “Thank you!”

As evening approached and the sun crept lower in the sky, the flower lowered her head, folded her petals around herself, and rested peacefully, knowing that the sun would be there to greet her when she woke up.

For days on end, the little flower would awaken each morning and excitedly flip her small petals open and look upward to her big, shiny friend and say, “Good morning!!” The sun would smile on her throughout the day, bathing her in nurturing rays, as much as she needed and then some. The flower felt loved and safe with the sun watching over her, and the sun looked forward to seeing the tiny blossom’s greeting every day. Their bond was pure and true.

One day, the flower noticed that the sun wasn’t quite as bright or present as usual. She searched the sky for his rays and couldn’t see or feel them. She didn’t realize that a large cloud had passed in front of the sun for a moment. Just when she was starting to truly worry, the cloud moved along and she felt the warmth of her friend once again. However, the following days carried fewer and fewer visits from her friend the sun. The flower didn’t understand. Every evening, she would fold her petals and rest her head a little later, wondering why her friend was so distant.

Then one day, the little flower didn’t see the sun for a whole day. The sky, which was normally bathed in a beautiful bright blue, had been growing more dull each day. On this day, it was a pale grayish-white, and there were dark clouds in the sky. The flower looked upward all day long, waiting to see and feel her beautiful golden friend…but he never showed up. Oh, he was there. She just couldn’t see or feel him. The little flower couldn’t make sense of what was going on. She kept waiting…she stretched her little purple petals as widely as she could, hoping to somehow beckon him out of the clouds and into her view…..she never saw him. She waited all day long.

Now, the little flower had never seen darkness. She always fell asleep before the sun had completely set. On this night, though, she stayed up later, hoping for just one ray, one little glimmer to let her know that he hadn’t completely abandoned her. When night fell, she was truly terrified. Her sunny friend was gone forever. No more glowing afternoons, no more good mornings. No more greetings. No more warmth and love. She had been weakening by the day. The little flower had given up all hope. And so, in the darkness, she lowered her weary head and folded her small petals one last time, collapsing to the soil below.

The next morning, the sun rose with its full brightness, excited to see his tiny friend’s big smile and outstretched arms……but instead saw the wilted, exhausted little flower surrendered to the earth. He shone right down on her, hoping to see her small face one more time, but to no avail.

What the flower didn’t understand was that the sun was there the whole time. He saw her. He wanted to get to her. But there was a huge storm keeping him from being able to nurture her, to give her the strength of brightness and warmth that he usually did. What the sun didn’t understand was just how nourishing his rays were to the little flower, and that even though he was there, when she couldn’t see or feel him, it was as if he were gone completely.

And so ended a beautiful relationship.

Nature speaks in its own way. Nevertheless, it can’t use words. Humans can. When we feel a loved one is distant, they may be going through a storm that is keeping them from giving us their best self. When we’re going through a storm, our loved ones might feel abandoned by us if they don’t understand what’s going on. If we have the ability to use our words, we must communicate with one another. It would be a tragedy to lose a pure and true bond when all it would have taken to save it was a simple conversation.

Come visit again soon for Communication: Part Two, where we’ll talk about how vital communication is to the health of a relationship, as well as what makes it so difficult for us to use it effectively.

I am strong. You are strong. Let’s do this together.

I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, when the fashion vacillated between cool and questionable, the music ranged from undying classics to totally cheesy one hit wonders, and the fads came and went faster than we could keep up with them.  One that stands out to me at the moment is those little artsy pictures we used to look at in the 90’s that had hidden pictures within them.  You know the ones, those abstract mosh pits of color that looked like an inebriated clown puked on them.  Those things used to frustrate me to no end.  Everyone else could focus their eyes in whatever way a person is supposed to and see whatever it was that was hidden in there, but I just never could see it.  It wasn’t until around a decade and a half later when I realized I had an astigmatism, which is why I can’t see them.  Ah, such is life!

Since my divorce, I’ve learned, and am still learning, more about myself than I did in the 37 years that preceded it.  I have learned that I am extremely untrusting, a perpetual worrier, a sufferer of anxiety, prone to bouts of rather ridiculous neurosis on a regular basis, somewhat irresponsible in certain areas, an overthinker and over-analyzer, a restless soul that can’t seem to get satisfied no matter what’s happening in my life, easily preoccupied with my deepest fears, terrified of abandonment, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, uncomfortable asking for what I need or speaking up when something is bothering me, conflict-avoidant, and many other things I could list.  In short, I’m a hot mess.  I have spent many mornings, afternoons, and evenings melting into a puddle of tears, wondering why I’m so screwed up, why I’m so damaged.  I’ve wondered what anyone could possibly do with me at this point, how anyone could ever love someone with all my complications and scars from the hell I’ve been through……….

Hey, though……..that last statement makes a difference.  The complications and scars come from somewhere.  These are not who I innately am.  These things were built, brick by brick, by everyone who trapped me in a mental prison.  The foundation was laid by people who would not let me fully explore who I was or think for myself.  Each brick of self-doubt and debilitating fear of trusting someone was lain with the mortar of constant criticism, full-on verbal and psychological abuse, and other people’s toxically twisted version of who I was being forced upon me as truth.  Although I did not make this mess, I am the one who has to pick up the pieces and rebuild something good from it.  And through my journey of attempts to do so (a.k.a., “life”), I may appear to the outside world and anyone I get involved with as…….well, as an inebriated clown.

When we look at ourselves or anyone else who might be exhibiting questionable behaviors, we usually tend to focus on the what rather than the why.   It’s natural to just notice someone who constantly worries and think, “Wow, neurotic much?  Just chill out and get over it already!”  But why are they constantly worried about things they seemingly have no reason to worry about?  Why does a person have such a struggle feeling safe with and trusting people who obviously love them and mean them no harm?  Why does your co-worker totally freak out and burst into tears every time she makes a mistake?  The behavior itself could lead us to think any number of things.  But asking why paints a totally different picture.

The answer to why isn’t always obvious.  Sometimes we have to refocus our view of the situation in order to find the answers.  Much like trying to find a flock of birds in a swirl of purples, blues, and greens,  it may take some dedicated effort to discover that the reason your friend breaks down on you if your mood shifts ever so slightly is that she learned that any little shift in mood meant severe abuse was coming.

How about yourself?  Do you ever look at all the damage your circumstances have caused in your life and let it send you to a bad place?  Do you get down on yourself for struggling with things others don’t seem to struggle with?  As I stated before, I have been there more times than I care to recall.  But how many times have you reminded yourself of why the damage exists?  When we refocus our view to recognize that the damage might have been caused by other people and other things, it can help us not to blame ourselves for our current difficulties and deficiencies.  IT’S OKAY. 

All that being said, it is, unfortunately, our job to clean up the mess other people made in our lives.  That is one of the great injustices of life.  Though it just flat out sucks, it’s reality.  Other people and situations may have dealt their blows, but we have to tend to the wounds.  The image that often comes to my mind is of a tornado ransacking a small down and shredding down homes and businesses, leaving a desolate land in its wake.  I feel like key figures in my life have blown through it like one big, huge, destructive tornado.  Now that the crazy storm is finally over, I have to pick up the pieces and rebuild. It’s not easy or fun by any means.  I’m constantly finding pieces that I don’t even know what to do with. 

“Wow, how did those ridiculous trust issues get there?  What do I do with those?”    

“Where did this unexplained sense of guilt come from?”

“What do I do with this enormous surplus of anxiety?”

Nevertheless, I rebuild.  Why?  Because I finally care about myself.  Because I have an unbelievably strong desire to live life to the fullest extent I can, and to enjoy it as much as possible along the way.  Because in all of my self-reflection, I also see through the damage to the good things, the things no one ever let me focus on.  I see someone with a big heart who doesn’t give up easily on people.  I see someone who cares about the feelings of others. I see someone who’s creative, who has good ideas.  I see someone who does their best to be a good mom.  I see someone who has a lot of love to give to the world.  Though I’m far from perfect, I’m also not made up entirely of other people’s negative perceptions of me, nor am I exclusively the sum of all my damages.  There is beauty in the brokenness.

When we only see the damage without looking further into the picture, whether it be in ourselves or in someone else, we miss out on so much.  But when we look at the why, the cause of the damage, it helps us adopt a much more healthy mindset.  The why can keep us from unfairly judging “broken” people (fact:  we’re all broken in some way).  The why can keep us from beating ourselves up over problems we didn’t create.  The why can keep us from getting stuck in fears of unworthiness and help us move forward in our journey to heal and embrace ourselves for the worthy human beings we are.  

There is always so much more to a person’s story than what we see on the surface, including our own. 

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!

We’ve heard it said that misery loves company.  When we’re at a low point in life, it often helps to have someone to just sit with us, to validate our feelings, to refrain from dispensing any sort of unrequested sage wisdom or try to talk us out of our feelings of discouragement, and simply say, “I know.  It sucks.”  It somehow makes tough times more manageable when we have someone to share them with.  The same is true for when we experience personal successes or special joys in life.  We want someone to celebrate with!  We want those closest to us to share in our happiness.  Unfortunately, that sometimes doesn’t happen when we most expect it to. 

When we’re trudging through the overwhelming reality of post-divorce life, struggling through the lonely sleepless nights and wading through the sea of unsuitable suitors out there, it can be incredibly discouraging at times.  We’re often able to bond with others in our same situation, maybe even laugh at all the dating failures or help each other find new goals or interests in our efforts to rebuild our lives. But what happens when things change?  What happens when the friend who was once your partner in crime is now in a loving relationship?  What happens when you’re the friend who’s suddenly no longer single? 

I must say……….I was not prepared for the reactions from the people closest to me when I began dating after divorce.  I naively assumed that after having seen what I’d been through during the most difficult times of my former marriage and during and immediately after divorce, surely my friends and family would be as ecstatic as I was for me to finally find a great guy.  I was surprised to discover that they weren’t quite as enthusiastic about my new relationships as I was.  So, I got to thinking that if some of their responses caught me off guard, perhaps there are others out there who also may not be expecting such responses.  I felt the need to give a heads up about what might happen when you share your good news with your loved ones.

So, here’s the scenario:  You’ve finally found a lovely romance with an amazing person.  May or may not turn out to be a forever thing, but you feel great about it and are happier than you’ve been in a long time.  Obviously, you want to share this joy with others!  Their faces are going to light up with huge smiles as they throw their arms around you and say, ‘That’s great!!  I’m so happy for you!!”……Right?  Well, not always.  Here are some possible unexpected responses you might receive from the following people in your life……

MARRIED FRIENDS:

I want to start with the reaction of your married friends, because they’re the one’s you’d think would have no reason not to be happy for you.  After all, what’s it to them?  They’ve got someone.  They’re not family.  This isn’t really going to affect them in any particular way. 

First of all, being your friends, they care about you.  They don’t want to see you get hurt again.  Therefore, they may start out being a bit wary of your new relationship.  They want to make sure you aren’t setting yourself up for fresh trauma down the road.  If they aren’t jumping for joy, that might be part of the reason why.  This, of course, is understandable.  It doesn’t mean that they think you’re incapable of choosing a decent partner.  It just means that they care about you and don’t want to watch you suffer all over again.  Once they see that you’re in a happy, healthy relationship, they may warm up to your significant other and be a bit more optimistic about your situation. 

However, there are some other reasons why your married friends might respond in an unfavorable way.  Maybe their marriage isn’t as fresh and exciting as it used to be, and seeing you in that blissful state of new love makes them wistful for the days when they used to feel that way with their partner.  Maybe their marriage has fallen on hard times and they are slightly jealous of the second chance at love that you’re currently enjoying.  I doubt these are very likely possibilities among your married friends, but they are possibilities nonetheless.  Lastly, sometimes married people can just be downright judgey about other people’s relationships, especially if they think theirs is beyond amazing and a standard for which everyone should strive.  Then again, being married, maybe they’re just not interested in hearing about the whole dating scene in general (because they’re soooooo past that now *insert eye roll*).  Whatever the reason might be, those are some possible theories as to why your married friends may not be as happy for you as you’d expect them to be.

SINGLE FRIENDS:

Like your married friends, your single friends don’t want to see you get hurt and go through hell all over again.  This is, obviously, the case with anyone in your life who cares about you (friends, family, kids, co-workers, etc).  With single friends, though, your new relationship brings with it the glaring reality that you’ve found love while they are still alone.  Though you don’t want to rub it in your single friend’s face, it’s difficult not to talk about the person you’re crazy about and to do so quite frequently.  This might make your friend feel uncomfortable.  Also, you won’t have as much time to spend with single friends due to time spent nurturing your new romance.  The bond between friends who have gone through divorce is a strong one.  It’s easy to be excited while you’re both out there dating around, meeting interesting new people here and there.  But when one of you goes as far as to be no longer single, that bond can begin to deteriorate a bit.  How much it deteriorates depends on both how your friend reacts to your dating situation and the effort you put into maintaining the friendship in the midst of the changes that have occurred.  You kind of take yourself just a few steps outside that “divorced people” circle you used to run in when you start seriously dating someone, at least in the eyes of your single friends. 

Most of this is understandable.  But beware that some of your friends can get quite bitter about your newfound love.  Although it makes sense for your friend to be a bit down about the decline in your one-on-one time together, the end of your shared singlehood, or their remaining single status, it isn’t cool for them to resent you for finding happiness with someone.  If your friendship ends because a new relationship begins, it might be a blessing in disguise.  People who really care about you are happy for you on at least some level, even if things aren’t working out for them in the same way.

FAMILY:

This one might really catch you off guard.  Your former spouse, for better or worse, was part of the family.  They were a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law, an aunt or an uncle, a brother-in-law or a sister-in-law.  Depending on how long you were married (again, for better or worse), to suddenly see you romantically involved with someone else is………well, from what I’ve heard, it’s just “weird.”  This is likely the case across the board for anyone who knew you when you were married.  However, it’s super weird for your family, who probably saw you with your spouse more often and in more personal situations than did most other people in your life.  You and your ex spent holidays with these people.  You produced your parents’ grandchildren together.  You went on vacations with them.  They participated in your wedding to this person.  Regardless of the dynamic of the marriage or the circumstances surrounding the divorce, it is simply a strange feeling to see you with another man or woman.  The picture looks different.  It may take time for both their physical and emotional eyes to adjust to the new reality.  Also, your family shares the same concerns about your emotional well being that your friends have for you, which is compounded by the fact that they love you on a deeper level and may feel an even greater sense of protectiveness over you as their family member.  As with your friends, once your family realizes that this new person cares for you and that the relationship is a truly healthy and loving one, they may become more accepting over time.  Don’t rush family on this one.  The may not be nearly as excited as you are at first.  But if they love you, they will come around eventually.

KIDS:

This one can be a bit unpredictable.  I think some of it might depend on your individual situation.  If your marriage was horrible and you are now in a happy and loving relationship, your kids may be thrilled and relieved that someone is finally treating their parent properly.  If they are particularly close with your ex, they might resent a new partner and feel that this person is “taking the place of” their other parent.  Your new partner might provide them with exactly what they need emotionally, causing them to bond with them very quickly and very strongly.  Or your partner and your child might clash with one another.  Boys might be a bit protective of their mothers.  Girls might be a bit protective of their fathers.  Or, as in the case of other family members, it might just feel totally weird, awkward, and uncomfortable.  Finally, your kids might feel a bit neglected if you are spending a lot of time with your significant other. 

I want to make a few quick points here, as someone who’s experiencing this part of it currently……

Regardless of your child’s reaction to your dating after divorce, do not feel guilty for moving on.  You have a right to embrace love when it comes to you.  Your emotional needs are separate from those of your children and are just as important.  However………

We can’t lose sight of the fact that our children’s feelings matter too in this situation.  Though everyone does things differently, it was my strong conviction not to introduce anyone to my kids unless I was fairly certain they were going to be sticking around for a good while.  I didn’t want my kids to get attached to someone only to go through the painful ordeal of losing a person they care about all over again.  This is only my opinion, but I would suggest being super cautious about introducing someone new to your kids.  It’s difficult enough for us as adults to handle the frequent rise and fall of relationships.  Kids aren’t equipped to deal with that.  Be sensitive to what a massive change this is for your child and go as slowly as necessary to ensure that your child is as comfortable with the situation as possible.  Talk to them about it and encourage them to express their honest feelings about what’s going on.  Assure them regularly that your love for them hasn’t diminished in the slightest just because there is a new person in your life for you to love.  Again, this is just the approach I try to take.  I realize not everyone goes about it the same way.  The point is that our kids don’t need to get lost in the mix.  However we choose to do things when it comes to integrating them into our new situations, let’s be respectful of their feelings.

OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS:

This one was just worth a quick mention to me, because I found the response to be quite interesting and at times a bit disappointing.  I’ve always been one of those girls who has mostly guys for friends.  For many reasons which I don’t have time to discuss at the moment, I just tend to get along a bit better in general with men than I do with women.  The vast majority of my opposite sex friendships have been platonic from start to finish.  However, I noticed that some of my guy friends have tended to react a bit strangely when I’ve started dating someone.  If you have opposite sex friends (regardless of your gender) and they begin acting a little strangely toward you or your new partner, it could be that they feel protective of you and don’t want you to get mixed up with some jerk who will only hurt you.  But beware that sometimes, your opposite sex friends might harbor romantic feelings toward you that you don’t realize are there.  They may be holding out hope that something might eventually happen between the two of you.  So, while they might be happy that you’re happy, they may also be bummed out that they didn’t get a chance with you.  I have maintained some guy friends after finding a partner and, unfortunately, lost some others.   As with anyone else we’ve discussed so far, no matter how they feel initially, if they are truly your friends and care about you, they will continue to be so, even if they wish the circumstances could be different.  Just an interesting group of people I thought I’d mention 😊

OTHERS:

So, what about co-workers?  Church members?  Neighbors?  Honestly, a lot of them might simply not carry much interest at all in what you’re doing with your personal life.  The only group in this category that I really have any experience with is church members.  Like the others, if they knew you when you were married, it might be very “weird” for them.  With church members, they are also going to ask you that one BIG question that seems to trump all others: “Is he/she a believer?”  Some people also are of the belief that marriage after divorce is a sin.  You might receive some judgmental comments from some people.  Let it go.  Not everyone has to be happy for you or agree with what you’re doing (that “divorce and the church” blog is still coming in the future, promise!).

So……..I say all of this to simply give a heads up that when you find love after divorce, you just don’t always receive the response from people that you expect to. That can be disappointing. Though some will share in your happiness right away, you might not get as much of that as you’d like.  As long as you and your new partner are happy with each other, things will be fine.  Give your friends and family time to digest what’s happening.  It can actually be an interesting weeding out process for people who don’t have your best interest in mind.  Don’t let the lack of excitement from others get you down. Those who love you and want the best for you will eventually come around and share in your happiness with you.  Those who don’t aren’t that big of a loss. 

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!

When I’m bored, I like to settle in and get lost down the various paths of totally meaningless information that is the internet.  Oh, I sometimes look up things that will actually benefit my life, such as articles on health and fitness, relationship advice, or different techniques I can use with the furniture I upcycle on the side.  Most of the time, however, I find myself looking for answers to questions like, “What are some of the most unfortunate first and last names ever” or “What would your name be if you were a unicorn” or “Who were the best and worst tv couples in a sitcom”……….or tonight’s world-changing question: “What are the worst reality competitions of all time?”

I have to say……..some things I came across while looking at various lists of worst reality tv competitions are gonna be really, really hard to unsee.  Some of them should not even be mentioned here.  Over the course of time, the minds behind these attempts at entertainment have run quite the gamut of wild ideas.  Not being a huge reality tv person myself unless it has involved cooking, fashion, weight loss (I am a former Biggest Loser fan), or the occasional spoiled “housewife” drama back in the day, my eyes were opened to some surprising things that I’ve missed through the years (not that I mind).  I was made aware of everything from shows involving blind dates where the individuals participating are totally naked to a funeral parlor that conducts over-the-top funerals, one of which involved dipping the dearly departed’s casket in chocolate………….yep.  Hey, if you get down with these things, have at it.  I’m certainly not judging…..well, I’m trying not to.  It’s a little strange to me, honestly.  But if it’s your thing, more power to ya. 

But there was one show that stood out to me in particular, not for its premise, but for something that it encouraged.  I’m not big on naming names, so bear with my vagueness right now.  Basically, it was a show where some apparently narcissistic guy who wouldn’t even go by his real name tried to show a bunch of unlucky single dudes how to effectively pick up women.  Whatever.  I don’t really care about the cheesiness of it all.  I mean, when you have shows with naked dating and chocolate coffins (not to mention the……..well, the unmentionables of what I was made privy to tonight), I guess any possible standards of class are barely even there.  But this guy suggested that his proteges employ a little tactic called “negging.”  This is the first I’ve heard of this term, but I am all too familiar with the behavior.  It’s when someone gives a subtle put-down or a “non-compliment,” as I like to call it (a compliment that isn’t really a compliment), to their romantic interest to break them down and make them vulnerable, theoretically causing said interest to want to work harder for that person’s attention and affection.  I realize it’s just a dumb reality show and that it’s likely the participants and this weird mystery dude aren’t really that serious about what they’re doing.  But whether that guy actually thinks “negging” is a good idea or was just pretending to for someone’s entertainment, it is a real thing.  And it got me to pondering…….

It’s time to talk about abusive relationships, of which negging is undoubtedly a part.  When people think about abusive relationships, Lifetime movie situations tend to be the first thing that comes to mind.  They think of a woman with a black and blue face and a busted lip saying she “fell” or a man who just starts screaming and swearing as soon as he walks in the door.  Those things do happen in real life.  However, abuse is a bit of a broad spectrum.  We can’t just look at the most extreme cases and assume that unless that’s what’s happening, it’s not abuse (more on that in a minute).  I think we do need to really gain clarity on what abuse really is so that we don’t find ourselves excusing toxic behavior and wasting our lives on relationships that will only hurt us. 

So, here is my definition of abuse:

Abuse:  purposefully harming your partner, whether through conscious calculated means or subconsciously by way of a survival or defense mechanism,  in order to relieve your anger or obtain control over that individual or over the situation at hand; can be executed verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, physically, or spiritually; can range in degree of severity from subtle insults excused as “teasing” to full on physical violence; includes anything you do on a regular basis to deliberately hurt your partner by any means; if formed into a consistent pattern of behavior, can lead to highly destructive and sometimes fatal consequences

I know that definition sounded a bit over-the-top.  Anyone who might be reading who is wondering if they are an abuser themselves would never accept that description.  Regardless of that, I feel it’s quite accurate.  There is so much I could say on this topic that I’m honestly struggling to find a satisfactory starting point.  But with that definition in mind, I want to launch into some different examples and characteristics of abuse in a relationship.

BUT FIRST………WHY???

Let’s start with how these people think.  Listen…….I’m, again, not a doctor, not a psychologist or therapist, not an expert of any kind on any subject whatsoever.  But I’ve lived in this kind of situation.  All I can speak from is my own experience and what I’ve heard from others.  Just like with any other group of people, there are different types of abusers.  Some will focus more on controlling your behavior and whereabouts.  Some are master manipulators who will twist your thoughts and bleed you dry of any emotional strength you have to give.  Some are aggressive to the point of yelling, screaming, and cursing.  Some are physically aggressive, some sexually aggressive and abusive.  Some may engage in a combination of some of these behaviors, or may even exhibit every single one of them.  But all of them have two common traits:  they are insecure and have a desperate need for control.

Let’s talk about the insecurity.  When you think about your partner, they may not seem insecure to you.  In fact, they may seem quite arrogant, as if they believe they are better than pretty much everyone else in the whole wide world (especially you).  They may brag on themselves frequently and assert themselves socially in ways you wouldn’t expect from an insecure person.  They may even boast about what a confident individual they are.  However, this is all a front.  They aren’t confident (secure), but are, instead, arrogant (insecure).  Confident people gain their self-worth from within.  They don’t need others’ approval to feel good about themselves.  That’s why they don’t feel the need to shove their greatness in others’ faces.  Arrogant people constantly need their arrogance fed.  Their entire self-esteem rests on praise from other people.  Therefore, they are constantly bragging and showing out and making sure everyone knows how great they are.  Confident people don’t love themselves because they think they’re perfect.  The fact that in order to be a whole and well-developed individual, change is required, does not diminish their self-esteem.  Therefore, they readily admit when they’re wrong.  They apologize.  They work on themselves regularly, because they care about themselves and want to be the best they can be.  Arrogant people don’t do this.  They can’t be wrong, for it puts a glaring hole in their façade of perfection.  It can’t be their fault.  They can’t take any blow whatsoever to the exaggerated image of greatness they try to portray.  When they do apologize, it’s often followed by a, “but….”  Don’t mistake arrogance for confidence.  Confidence and humility are kindred spirits. 

With this information, it’s easier to see how an insecure person could be inclined to abuse someone.  If you do not constantly feed their need for approval (which, by the way, is a bottomless pit into which you could never possibly deposit anything that would make a true difference), you are a threat to their ever so fragile self-esteem.  It is so fragile that they feel they need your loyalty, love, affection, commitment, and submission in order to function.  If they are under the belief that they’re not getting what they require from you, their desperation for it could lead them to attempt to force it from you or to punish you for depriving them of it.

Now, let’s talk about the control issue.  Usually, an abuser isn’t sitting by himself or herself somewhere in some dark lair, plotting an evil, villainous scheme on how to take over the universe.  Their ability to control their environment and the people in it is a need they have that is deeply rooted within the core of who they are.  There could be a lot of reasons why an abuser feels such a desperate need for control in his or her life.  There could be some childhood trauma, situations in their formative years in which they felt powerless in a bad situation.  It could be that they themselves grew up in an abusive home, where they never felt they had a voice or the ability to change anything that was happening around them.  In a case like that, they may have learned that the way to get what you want is by asserting control over others.  It could be the insecurity talking, in which case they are so unbelievably starved for love and approval that they will do whatever it takes to essentially force love and devotion from someone.  In any case, it seems to me to be a pathological survival method, a very twisted defense mechanism.  It is neither normal nor healthy for the abuser or the victim.

I could go on for some time about how abusers think.  A lot of that information, though, will be explained as we now talk about different tricks and tactics abusers typically use.  Some of these can be very sneaky!

TRICKS

Twisting Reality:  Abusers do this in several ways.  In the beginning of a relationship, it could start out as something like teasing you or making fun of you, even in front of others, and then claiming it was all in fun and making you believe that your discomfort with it is an overreaction.  They will act shocked that you got so upset over what they said or did, mocking disbelief that you would get bent out of shape over a little lighthearted “kidding.” You eventually start believing that you must truly be an overly-sensitive person, even though it still hurts every time they do it. It can escalate to things like pointing out all of the good things they do for you in an attempt to negate all of the horrible ways they treat you.  You start thinking of all the nice things they’ve done and decide they can’t be such a bad person after all (more on this in a moment).   It can even take on the form of comparing their behavior to that of an extreme case of abuse or control and saying something like, “I’m not abusing you!  Have I punched you yet?  Then no, you’re not being abused,” or “I don’t force you to do anything or restrict your movements.  Therefore, I’m not controlling,” when you’re well aware of the price you’ll pay if you don’t do thing exactly the way they want you to.  They lend their own definitions to things, which typically don’t include any of the behaviors they regularly engage in, and convince you to adopt these definitions as truth.  But it doesn’t have to be the most extreme case in order to qualify as abuse or control.  They want you to think it does, though.  That way, they can do anything up to that point and get away with it, because they have twisted your reality to go against what you know in your gut to be true. 

Buffering:  When abusers are on a “high,” when they’re feeling friendly and in good spirits, they can be very, very good to their partners.  They can be so good, in fact, that it confuses their partner so much that the abused person can’t focus on the horrifically toxic relationship they’re in. 

“But he took us on that wonderful vacation last year!  He can’t be such a bad guy.” 

“He brought me flower just the other day, for no reason!”

“She always takes such good care of me when I’m sick.  I know she cares about me.  Surely everything will get better soon.”

Abusers do just enough good things to buffer all the awful things to do so that they always have those positive things to point to.  It isn’t coming from a diabolical mindset most of the time.  They aren’t necessarily scheming on purpose.  Often, they do it out of guilt over the horrible things they’ve done to you.  No matter why they do it, though, it’s deceptive in nature.  It’s designed to convince you that everything is okay when it’s really not.  If you ever feel brave enough to express any dissatisfaction with the relationship, they can say, “But what about the time I…….” and make you feel horrible for thinking they are anything less than a wonderful human being.  Sometimes, they even do really over-the-top things in order to prove themselves.  They may take you on amazing trips or spend a lot of money on a gift or at an upscale restaurant.  But the same person who rubs your feet and serves you chicken soup when you’re sick could be the same person who totally flips out if you don’t come home exactly on time.  The same person who takes you on the cruise of a lifetime could be the same person who completely loses their mind when they see you talking to a friend.  They want you to believe that the good is good enough to let the bad go…………it’s not.  No trip, gift, compliment, or kind gesture makes up for abuse.  It’s not worth it.

Fishing:  Listen, all of these terms are my own, so…..yeah.  I know it sounds weird, but I want to call this particular things “fishing.”  When you go fishing for actual fish, you strategically bait your hook, go where you suspect the fish are biting, and attempt to expertly cast your line in the right area, after which you steadfastly wait for a bite.  If you don’t get one after a while, you reel it in and recast it, hoping you will somehow land in a better spot and lure in your intended prey.  That’s what abusers do.  They do it through emotional manipulation (yeah, I could have just labelled it that, but this way is more fun 😊).  Abusers love to make their victims feel sorry for them.  They will pick up on any warmth or softness in your heart and use the appropriate bait to try to get you to “bite.”  If they aren’t getting enough attention, or if they feel you are somehow slipping out of their grasp (which could be brought on by something as simple as having a medium-length conversation with literally anyone other than them), they do things to let you know that they are “not okay” emotionally.  They will act down, sorrowful, maybe even become self-depreciating in order to milk any compliment they can from you.  They will do things to draw your attention away from other people and other responsibilities so that you make them your central focus right then and there.  If their bait doesn’t work, they will keep casting the line out there.  If you don’t bite with that bait, watch out………..they might use another kind out of desperation, and it will not be pretty.  Beware that if you don’t bite when they try to play on your sympathies, they may become aggressive.  That way, you have to pay attention to them or else!  They convince loving, empathetic people that they are hurting and in need of comfort and encouragement, when what they’re really doing is the adult equivalent of a child showing out for attention.  Don’t fall for it.

Tipping Scales:  Abusers have to be the winners in the relationship.  They have to be the good one, the smart one, the strong one, etc.  You can’t be better than they are at really anything without it bothering them on some level.  They might play on any weaknesses they see in you in order to break you down so that they feel better about themselves and, thus, more powerful.  If they know you worry about your weight, they may start overly-criticizing your physique.  If they know you can be shy or awkward socially, they may point out every mistake you make when you’re out and about with them, sometimes even in front of friends or family.  They will diminish your accomplishments.  They will degrade you.  They will hold you to standards even they themselves could never live up to and demean you when you inevitably fail to reach them.  Whatever they have to do to set up a situation where both of you are convinced that they are the strong one and you are the weak one, they will wholeheartedly do.  This is particularly damaging.  It confuses your belief about who you are.  It severely breaks down a person’s self-confidence and sense of value as a human being.  It also creates an uneven power dynamic where you rely on them, the “strong” one, to sustain you and essentially parent you through life, because you, the “weak” one, obviously don’t know what you’re doing can’t possibly make it on your own. 

Intimidation:  This is where it gets dangerous, friends.  Quite obviously, based on all we’ve talked about thus far, abusers do this to maintain control over you.  In your relationship, if you start to regularly become afraid of the consequences of simple actions, such as not making it home on time or talking to certain people or going somewhere without alerting your partner to each and every one of your whereabouts, that is a sign that the relationship has become significantly toxic.  If you are afraid to be yourself, express your true feelings, or confront your partner about anything, it’s not a healthy relationship.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news and am certainly not promoting divorce, but it’s honestly not likely to improve.  How can you solve this problem without proper communication?  And how can you have proper communication if you’re afraid to express yourself to your partner?  If you are consistently stressed out over whether your partner will verbally assault you, place an enormous guilt trip on you, or physically assault you in any way, your best bet is to terminate the relationship.  Intimidation on any level whatsoever is not part of a healthy, loving relationship.

There are certainly other tactics abusers use with their partners, but these are the ones that stand out to me the most.

Now that we know some of the ways abusers tend to operate, let’s take note of some red flags that we can be on the lookout for to avoid getting involved with someone who might be an abuser or controller:

“Negging” – This is just gross, to be honest.  Insults or “non-compliments” are super disrespectful.  If you meet someone and they start throwing comments like this at you, walk away.  It can only get worse from there.

Frequent Mood Swings – One minute, they’re happy.  The next, they’re down in the dumps and expecting you to pull them up and out of the darkness.  Yes, we all have bad days and times when we need to lean on our partners for strength and support.  But when it’s so frequent that you never know what persona they’re going to don when you see them, that’s a sign of toxicity.

Bragging and Boasting/Extreme Competitiveness:  When someone can’t lose well, it’s a red flag.  When they are always bragging on themselves….red flag.  If they diminish your accomplishments, big red flag.  If he feels the need to shove his machoism in your face, red flag.  If she brags about being a bitch, red flag.  Also, be on the lookout for guys who refer to themselves as “nice guys.”  That sounds harmless on the surface, I know.  But in my experience, almost every guy who has had to tell me he’s “one of the good ones” and has lamented about how “nice guys finish last” when rejected has turned out to be anything but nice or good.  If they have to tell you that about themselves before you notice it on your own, that’s not a great sign.  Actually, that one right there leads me to also mention……

Frequent Self-Depreciating Remarks:  The opposite of the above red flag is also a red flag.  Although insecurity is sometimes disguised as arrogance, it is also sometimes very obviously presented as what it truly is.  If someone is constantly putting themselves down to the point that you are beginning to feel as if you are always having to convince them of their worth, you are setting yourself up to be emotionally leeched from as long as you’re with them.  You can encourage someone.  You can help someone out in a difficult time or on a down day.  But you cannot make someone love himself or herself.  That has to come from within.  Expecting your partner to be your emotional crutch is a key ingredient for a toxic relationship.

Not a Good Listener:  Watch out for people who have to always dominate a conversation.  If they are a poor listener, or listen only to gain ammo with which to come back at you with a “better” point in the discussion, let that alert you to the likelihood that they are too self-focused to ever be able to focus on you.  It is also a sign that they’re really not interested in who you are, what you think, or how you feel.  So, why are they with you?  You may not want to stick around to find out the answer to that question.

You have changed in ways you don’t like/Lost your sense of self:  If you’ve changed since being involved with your partner, was it because you wanted to, or did it just seem to happen without your realizing it?  Do you like the changes you see in yourself?  Did you start changing your clothes or hairstyle because you wanted to try something new, or because your partner expressed disapproval of your personal tastes?  Do you feel like you can completely be yourself around your partner, or do you feel that you must tailor your choices to what they deem worthy or acceptable?  Do you feel that you have to work hard to earn their approval?  Do you feel that you are the same person you were before you met them?  If you don’t feel that you are able to live as your true self in your relationship, it is not healthy for you.  No one deserves the power to take you away from yourself!

Rushing The Relationship:  This one speaks to the abuser’s insecurity and need for control in a major way.  They need to hastily lock down some sort of binding commitment from you in order to secure that you are “theirs.”  Listen…..I get that relationships tend to move at a quicker pace as we get older.  We already know what we’re looking for, know what we don’t want in a partner, etc.  So yes, for those of us who are no longer in our 20’s and don’t literally have our whole lives ahead of us, the topic of marriage might come up a lot sooner than it did when we were younger.  I would just speculate that at any age, if you’ve already been through divorce and now have a much better idea of what you want in someone, things may progress more quickly than usual.  However, if you and this person are going ring shopping on the second date……that’s a li’l too quick!  Regardless of the pace, if you are feeling rushed to progress things further than you’re ready to, don’t be afraid to pump the brakes (or even slam on the brakes if need be!).

Short Fuse:  This one is obvious.  If they lose their temper quickly and over things that most people would barely be bothered by, walk away before you get involved any more deeply than you are.  It will not improve.

There are so many more things I could mention that I almost feel like I need to write a Part Two to this.  I hope, though, that this will give someone out there some clarity on a relationship they’ve been feeling uncomfortable about, help those out there in the crazy dating realm have a bit better understanding of what to look out for, and ultimately just help us all protect ourselves. 

I can’t wrap it all up without including just one more thing.  If you are or have been involved in an abusive/controlling relationship with someone, I want you to know something……

1.  You are not to blame.  Whoever abused you made their own choices. You didn’t make them do it.  No one deserves to be abused………..EVER.

2.  Getting out is a healthy choice.  If you left your abusive partner and feel guilty about it, please know that getting away was absolutely right and healthy for you.  If you are wondering whether or not to leave and have come to the conclusion that you are being abused, please know that leaving is not wrong.  If you’re afraid to leave, there are people who can help you do that.  There are shelters you (and your children) can go to where you will be safe.  There is a way out.  There is help available for you.  It’s okay to walk away from something that is hurting you.

3.  Trust your gut.  Sometimes, we might get the feeling we’re “making a big deal out of nothing.”  Our toxic partners definitely want us to believe that.  But if something doesn’t feel right to you, it’s likely not right.  Trust that gnawing feeling in the back of your mind and in the deeper places in your heart, the feeling that your love and care for your partner might be dulling for you, the feeling your partner tries to get you to ignore by doing nice things.  If you’re just not comfortable, take it seriously.

4.  You are worthy of love.  This didn’t happen to you because of anything that has to do with you personally.  You are not weak.  You are not worthless.  You are not unlovable.  You are (or were) with someone who has no ability to recognize the precious, valuable person you are.  But rest assured that someone out there absolutely will notice it.  Friends who love you, family who loves you, and hopefully one day a partner who will love you in the ways you deserve to be loved.  But know that what was done to you is no reflection of your worth.  You have a right to insist, from now on, that all future partners treat you properly.  You are worth it.

Two books that helped me out A LOT right after I left my toxic marriage were Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, and Toxic Men by Lillian Glass.  I know these books are primarily geared toward bad behavior from men.  However, I believe men in abusive relationships could benefit from the concepts as well.  Check them both out for more information on this subject.

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!

If our childhoods taught us one thing, it’s this……..the world of gum is quite diverse.  Yes, I said gum.  I remember participating in a bubble-blowing contest once when I was around 7 or 8 years old.  I was afraid the enormous bubble would burst and get in my hair…..and as I had experienced before, as I’m sure many of you have as well, gum in your hair is the absolute worst (I won the contest, by the way).  Basic pink bubble gum, though, was never really my thing.  It almost tasted like the paper wrapper it came in.  I loved grape and orange Hubba Bubba, but wasn’t much on Bubblicious. My all-time favorite, though, was the Hawaiian Punch flavored bubble gum!  But whenever you wanted some gum from an adult, they never had the good stuff.  They carried chewing gum, always something like Double Mint or plain old Wrigley’s.  It was okay, but not amazing.  My mom frequently had cinnamon, though, which I appreciated.   I think most of us remember Bazooka Joe gum, which was frankly more trouble than it was worth. 

One particular brand, though, that always intrigued and annoyed me in equal amounts was the iconic Fruit Stripe.  Every time I would see a colorful pack of that stuff, all the disappointment I had previously experienced from it would vanish from my mind, and I had to have it.  I liked the zebra mascot.  I liked the temporary tattoos that came with it.  I was fascinated by the fact that I could buy a single pack of gum and experience a confetti of flavors.  Green!  Purple!  Orange!  Yellow!  Every color in the rainbow all in one pack!  It was a celebration of flavors!  Yet, sadly, we all know how that story ends, every single time.  You choose a yummy, interesting flavor and chew it for literally about 2-5 minutes before it becomes a flavorless, disintegrated wad of mush in your mouth.  You go on repeating this process, chewing up and spitting out different flavors over and over again, working through the pack quickly even though your mom told you not to chew it all up (she knew…).  Whole pack might last through the day, maybe into the next day.  Overall, it’s an intense yet discouraging experience.  We say we won’t ever go there again.  Yet, the next time we’re at Big Lots with our parents and see that rainbow package, just like always, we just have to have it!

So, as I have meandered through the crazy adult post-divorce dating scene, I have come to see how relationships are relatable to different types of gum.  I know that sounds super weird.  I ponder life deeply, and I do it often.  When I do it, I frequently think of life metaphorically.  This being one of those times……hang with me.  I’m going somewhere with this.

Bubble gum, for example, is pretty much used for recreational purposes.  It’s not so much a need, but a want.  It’s for fun.  You blow bubbles with it (yes….I know what you’re thinking right now…..behave 😉).  You know it’s not going to last long.  In fact, in most cases, pink bubble gum is pink bubble gum.  Same basic taste, same function, same experience.  Others might have more interesting flavors, but the purpose and duration is about the same in the end.  These are our hookups, one night stands, flings, etc.  Fun, sometimes interestingly flavored, but clearly just for fun and not intended to last once the fun has been had.  And though we all enjoy it sometimes, too much of it is not amazingly good for you, much like sugary bubble gum.

We also have those relationships that are like Fruit Stripe, unfortunately.  It seems like such a great idea!  The package catches your eye, the prospect of all the great things you might experience lures you in, and the initial flavor totally knocks your socks off!  But the intensity is short-lived.  No sooner have you gotten into it than it fizzles out.  What you originally thought would be an amazing relationship just kind of…….disintegrates and loses all of it’s sparkle.  Most of us have experienced this at least once at some point.  More on this in a few minutes…….

Some of us find ourselves getting involved with Bazooka Joe-type relationships.  Oh, those…..they are not so great.  Looks like fun, looks unique and interesting.  You know it’s just pink bubble gum, but it seems more appealing than just the regular stuff you’re used to.  It’s square!  It comes with comics!  You can tell you’ll have to work at it to make it what you want it to be, but you always think you’re up to the challenge……until, that is, you almost break a tooth trying to bite into the little pink brick that calls itself bubble gum.  And in the end, you wind up with a generic, unremarkable piece of gum that you knew you were getting from the start, but still just had to have.  These are the relationships that we know will be tough right from the get-go, but we do it anyway.  And we get hurt and wear ourselves out trying to make them work, only to have them turn out to be nothing of value.  We ignore our instincts, brushing aside all the red flags we see, only to regret it in the end.

There are also some of us who get involved in Wrigley’s or Double Mint relationships.  Let’s be honest…most people don’t chew these for the flavor.  These freshen your breath, give you something to chew to pass the time or to keep from overeating, etc.  This is the “practical gum.”  You can’t really blow very good bubbles with this stuff.  It’s super-adhesive (do not….I repeat, DO NOT…..get this stuff stuck in your hair or your kids’ hair!  It is the worst of the worst!)  This is why adults carried it all the time.  It’s somewhat refreshing with its minty flavor, but it isn’t particularly exciting or interesting.  However, it serves a purpose, it’s functional, and that’s…….well, that’s about it, honestly.  This reminds me of when people enter into relationships out of convenience.  Practicality.  Security.  There isn’t anything particularly mind-blowing about their partner.  They may love and care about their partner, but they aren’t in love with them.  They get involved, maybe even get married, because it just makes good sense.  Maybe some of us reach a certain age where we simply feel that marriage is something we must do with our lives.  And rather than wait on true love to find us somehow, we go for what looks like a practical, sensible, responsible idea.  Know what happens?  We get stuck in things like that.  We get stuck, and it is damn hard to get out.  But wait a minute……….what about people who actually do like peppermint and spearmint chewing gum?  Well, I would theorize that for some people, sensibility and practicality are all they’re looking for.  It’s not to say that they don’t need love.  Everyone needs love.  I mean to say that perhaps they don’t need any spicy cinnamon passion or big bubbles (clean thoughts, friends 😉) or interesting flavors.  Maybe they just need to know that someone will stick around and be there to contribute the missing pieces to their life-portrait.  Nothing more, nothing less.  But if that’s not all we’re looking for, we don’t need to get stuck in it to start with. 

And then…….we have Extra.  Stride.  Orbit (sometimes).  Trident.  These are the ones that last.  These are the ones where we have the option to choose the flavors that suit our particular tastes, yet they don’t fall apart after the initial experience is had (lookin’ at you, Fruit Stripe).  Yes, we eventually have to freshen it up with another piece, but it stays with you.  It never completely loses its flavor.  There is substance there.  These are the really good relationships.  They stay interesting because you love each other and you keep things fresh when you need to.  They stand the test of time.  They will last as long as you want them to.  These aren’t the relationships that you spit out because they completely lose their sparkle, but because your time with them has simply run its course.  And sometimes, we find one we stick with forever.  Although you obviously don’t chew a single piece of gum for the rest of your life, I think you get my point with all of this. 

An interesting facet of this whole analogy is that the type of relationship you find yourself in at any given point might be determined by different things.  Sometimes, it’s just the nature of the relationship.  It’s the unique chemistry between the two people involved that decides whether this is going to be a bubble gum thing for about 30 minutes or so, a Fruit Stripe situation where it’s amazing for a few weeks or months and then fizzles out, or an Extra thing where it’s going to stick around.  However, some people might have a pattern that flavors the majority of their relationships.  Imagine you have a pack of gum.  Inside each little silver sleeve is a different type.  Some of them are sticks of Fruit Stripe, some are bubble gum, some are Double Mint, some are Extra.  That pack of gum could represent the relationship history of most of us.  But for some, their entire relationship history might be a pack of Fruit Stripe.  Maybe that is how they do relationships, getting into them with all the excitement and intensity and gusto in the world, only to be over it in a few months later.  They do this with everyone they get involved with and never end up settling down as a result.  Or maybe they only have a few pieces in their pocket, but all of them are Extra.  They don’t get involved with people unless it’s going to be a long term thing.  Maybe all they want to do is blow bubbles all the time!  Everyone’s different.  The point is that sometimes the way a relationship turns out is due to the nature of the relationship itself, and sometimes it’s an indication of a pattern on our part.

So, what was the point in sharing these strange observations of mine?  How could one use this information? 

First of all, we might need to be more aware of what we’re getting into early on in our relationships.  Does it look too good to be true?  It probably is.  Does it look like it’s going to be crazy hard work and we’re not sure it’s worth it?  It probably will be and it probably isn’t.  There are exceptions to the rules, of course.  But gut feelings, true instinctual vibes, should at least be given a right to be heard before we charge forward.  Do you see red flags?  Don’t ignore them.  Is the package flashy and the advertising alluring when you know deep down that there is nothing of value inside?  Walk away – you know how that will end.  Does it make perfect sense and seem like a practical idea but does very little to inspire, excite, or fulfill you on a profound level?  Not worth getting stuck in.  Let’s face it……love is often not practical, responsible, or logical, right?  Does it seem like it could have promise?  Give it a shot!  Enjoy it!  Savor it.  But we don’t need to bite off more than we can chew, so to speak.  Know what you’re looking for, know what you don’t want, and choose wisely.

Secondly, we need to look at our own patterns with how we behave in relationships.  Do we have commitment issues?  Do we base our relationships on love, lust, what makes sense, pure emotion, or something else?  Do we have a variety pack, or are we carrying around a pack of the same thing?  If we have unhealthy relationship patterns, it’s important to recognize that and do something about it.  Maybe we need to learn to seek out the cinnamon spice we’re really craving instead of settling for the same old boring spearmint all the time.  Maybe we need to learn to stick with things instead of bailing after the initial excitement settles down.  Maybe we need to stop biting into difficult relationship that we know will only hurt us and leave us with nothing great to show for all we’ve put ourselves through.  We need to look at these things so that we can better take care of not only ourselves, but also anyone we enter into a relationship with.

So, yes………..those are my thoughts for the day.  Dating life is like a pack of gum…….but you can and should know what you’re getting (and giving!). 

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!

Helloooooooo, Single People…..or soon to be single people……or unhappily taken people (if you’re in loooove, none of this applies to you).  So, today’s the day, (Un)Official Ignore All Social Media Day, Careful Where You Choose to Dine Alone Day, Pretend You Love Being Single Day….whatever you want to call it.  It’s the day where chocolate companies and flower shops make a killing off a holiday on which we’re supposed to celebrate love, particularly romantic love.  Our newsfeeds will undoubtedly be filled today and tonight with pictures of all the ladies receiving flowers at their workplaces, of men waxing long about how lovely and priceless their treasure of a woman is, couples dressed up and dining out together, and various proclamations of love that could make even the sappiest of saps throw up a little……yeah, all that fun stuff.  Hey, it is what it is.  It’s the day for people who love each other to make sure the whole world knows about it.  People who love each other like to put it on display often, from what I assume.

When I was a kid, I used to say Valentine’s Day was my favorite holiday.  I thought the red and pink colors and the sparkly hearts were pretty and also loved the idea of people being in love.  I looked forward to the day when I would *really* get to participate in Valentine’s Day.  Sadly, I’ve never actually had a really good Valentine’s Day that I can remember.  For the most part, it has always seemed to fall in between relationships for me, so I was usually single on that day in high school and college.  During marriage, it was still no fun.  In fact, I had some absolutely horrific ones while married.  A holiday that was once my favorite eventually became a day of dread for me.   Even if nothing really “bad” happened on that day, it was still hard for me to look online and see all of those things I mentioned above, all the platitudes and showers of affection, when there I was…..I wasn’t technically alone. I was married.  But in reality, I felt indescribably alone, empty, and neglected.   Even now, though, it’s still hard to see all the true love out there.  I’m sure many of you can relate.

So, how do we cope?  Well, if you’re like me, you first put on your Tough Self, the part of you that can handle anything.  You might say things to others and to yourself like, “It’s just a day, just like any other day.  No big deal.”  Or maybe you console yourself with something like, “It’s so commercial anyway.  It doesn’t really mean anything.”  Or you could even say, “Well….you know….if you really love someone, you should love them every day, not just on Valentine’s Day.  Why do you need to do some sort of grand gesture to show how you feel about your significant other?”  All of that is true.

But as you check your Facebook or Instagram or whatever other social media platform you use, as you navigate the public scene throughout your day and see all the reminders of what day it is, maybe even as you go out tonight -if you choose to- and see all of the sickeningly sweet happy couples, your other self comes out to play, your Unfiltered Self, wherein all of your true feelings lie.  And you may think things like,

“This hurts.”

“I feel so alone today.”

“I feel stupid for caring about this, and yet I do.”

All of that is okay.

Honestly, even though I know it’s commercial and sometimes involves inauthentic displays of emotion for the sake of pleasing one’s partner and participating in a somewhat exclusive holiday, I think the core idea of Valentine’s Day is…….kinda nice.  I think it’s a good thing to set aside a day to celebrate your love for someone special in your life.  Sure, they know you love them.  But how nice it would be to dedicate a day to really showing them a little extra love.  Yes, it’s true that it is just another day in a lot of ways.  But truthfully, so is Christmas.  So is Thanksgiving.  So are Halloween and Easter and even our own birthdays, yet we celebrate them (and trust me, you can’t get any more “commercial” than Christmas!).  It isn’t even about what you do, where you go, or how much money you spend.  It’s simply about putting a little extra effort, just a little more than usual-however you choose to do it-into making sure your SO feels especially loved by you.   So, I don’t demonize the holiday just because I’ve never had that experience.  I think it’s nice.

However, it’s not easy when it seems that everyone around you is having that experience and you’re not.  If you’re fresh off divorce, it can really be painful.  To be honest, it’s kind of hard to know what to say, because I’m right there with you.  I feel it too.  But I have something I say to myself sometimes when I’m having a horrible day……there are only twenty-four hours in a day.  In just a few more hours, do you know what day it will be?  February 15.  We don’t celebrate lovey-dovey stuff on that day.  Stores are clearing out all the hearts and valentines and putting out shamrocks, starting tomorrow.  No one will care anymore about what happened on this day, starting tomorrow.  Cards will get tossed or lost, flowers will die, candy will disappear one way or another, and we will all just keep moving on with our lives. 

So today or tonight, if you need to avoid the internet completely so that you don’t have to see all the mushy stuff, I salute you.  I’m pretty much doing that too.  If you need to go off by yourself and take your own self out to dinner tonight, maybe have an uber on hand just in case, I salute you.  I’m literally going to date my own damn self tonight, and I make no apologies.  If it would make you feel better to put on a movie, chill at your house in your PJ’s, and proudly devour an entire pint of ice cream, although that wouldn’t make *me* feel better, I salute you!  If you can find other single friends who are available tonight and wanna go have a night out with them, I totally salute you.  Whatever makes you feel better today, go for it!

As for our lovestruck friends….well…..let’s not be too cruel.  They can’t help it. Truth be told, we wouldn’t mind being in their shoes, right?  And hopefully we will be one day.  Just not today.  It’s okay.  As tough as it is to be alone on a day where you feel like your literally swimming in the sea of everyone else’s romantic bliss, just remember that your singleness isn’t because you’re not worthy of love.  It isn’t because there’s something wrong with you.  It isn’t because you don’t deserved to be cherished and treated kindly by someone.  It’s just this point in the journey, this painful, rocky, crappy point on the road to Better…..not perfect, not “everything is totally fine now,” but Better.  Hang in there a few more hours, and this will genuinely become “just another day.”

As for me, I am looking forward to my birthday coming up soon…..apparently, it falls on National Drink Wine Day this year…..happy birthday to me! 😊

I am strong. You are strong. Let’s do this together!