It was a year ago this month that I started packing up my ex-husband’s clothes and other belongings, putting them in boxes for him to pick up.  I had been eagerly awaiting a final court date, as the time frame for our divorce to be over had already been well overextended.  Before I began, my thoughts couldn’t see past surface ideas, such as having more closet space and being able to redecorate my bedroom.  However, when I started taking his clothes out of the closet and folding them up, my heart was sucker punched by a thousand memories.  I’d pick up a shirt and remember him wearing it to church or on the rare occasion when we would have a date night.  I’d look at the hats and jerseys of his favorite sports teams and remember how enthusiastic he was about football.  Over fifteen years, so many memories were made with this man, and not all of them bad ones.  As I was boxing up all of his things, the reality of this impending monumental goodbye started to hit me in a way I did not anticipate.  I both laughed and cried as I let the waves of memories, all the fond ones and all the painful ones, carry me through our fifteen year-long story we wrote together.  I was grieving the loss of the person who had been both my best friend and my worst enemy, and I was not prepared for it.

Some have said that divorce is like a death, only you have to relive it on a regular basis as you continue to interact with your ex.  Even their very existence is a constant reminder of a marriage that died.  The interesting thing about it is that even if the marriage was toxic and you know you are better off being out of it, there is still grief over a bond that was severed.  For most of my marriage, I didn’t feel much of a oneness with my husband.  There was usually so much tension and chaos in that relationship that I didn’t feel especially connected to him like I’d imagine a husband and wife should ideally feel with each other, nor did I really wish to by the end of it.  However, the day I left, I instantly felt more love for him than I’d felt in years mixed with an indescribable pain in the very core of myself.  I probably experienced every emotion that exists all at one time.  It was soul-sickening.  During those first couple months, as I was talking to the lawyer and getting documents together, I could almost physically feel that bond being ripped apart.  It felt like having a body part cut off!  The separation of two hearts joined together in that way, whether for better or for worse, is traumatic.

Most of us have heard of the five stages of grief:  denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  We typically associate this process with the death of a loved one.  I definitely believe that this is something we go through in the case of divorce.  Though we don’t always experience them in that particular order, I think we all go through most of these phases at some point along the way.  Let’s take a look at how this might play out for those of us experiencing grief by way of divorce.

DENIAL/ISOLATION:  At first, we may not want to believe that this is actually happening.  It takes some time to digest the fact that the life we built with this person has just received a fatal blow and that, from now on, things are going to be different.  If you are still in love with your spouse when the divorce hits, it’s hard to let go.  Although this wasn’t the case for me, I have watched friends and loved ones suffer on a profound level over the loss of someone their heart still longs for.  If you still love your ex, it’s hard to let go of a hope that maybe, just maybe, things can be fixed. You’re fighting against the ripping apart of that bond that was created.  But sadly, sometimes we do have to say goodbye to something or someone before we’re ready to.  If you’re not in love with your spouse, it’s still hard to believe that your life is about to change in a major way. You may even go back and forth with trying to decide whether or not to end an unhealthy marriage because the concept of actually putting an end to it is too much to take in. In regards to isolation, I think that is perhaps a reaction that depends on the individual.  I did the opposite, trying to surround myself with people as often as possible to the point that I was nearly obsessed with not being alone (which didn’t prove to be a healthy mindset at times).  I do know of others, though, who preferred to stay to themselves.  Perhaps you assume responsibility for the end of the marriage and don’t want to face anyone.  Maybe you feel like no one understands what you’re going through, or you’re sick of hearing people tell you that it’s over and you need to just accept it.  Maybe your only friends are mutual friends with your ex, and you don’t want that constant reminder of what you’re about to lose.  Or maybe you just need to get away from everyone so that you can think clearly about things.  Whatever the case, isolation is a common reaction.

,ANGER:  I feel like this happens when we begin to essentially thaw out from the shock of what’s happening.  As I’m sure you know quite well, anger is a significant stage of the whole divorce journey.  Obviously, we may have serious tension with our ex, from fighting over who gets what and trying to sort things out financially to ugly custody disputes.  We also may be angry with our ex if they did something specific to bring about the dissolution of the marriage, such as in the case of cheating or abuse.  But we also may be angry over the simple fact that things didn’t work out.  Our anger may be at ourselves as well as at our former spouses.  You may go through moments of thinking, “if only I had done things differently, if only I’d listened more, tried harder, compromised more often, etc.”  If you were responsible for the marriage coming to an end, you may feel guilt and shame on top of anger. Divorce can make us feel like we failed in a fundamental area of life, regardless of how or why it happened.  The anger we experience, whether at ourselves or our spouses, can cause us to react in some unhealthy and even bizarre ways at times (we will talk about the “post-divorce flip out” at another time!). 

BARGAINING:  This, to me, is pretty much the tail end of the denial phase.  I think denial, anger, and bargaining are like one huge block of the grief stage made up of three different reactions, all of which are evidence that we have not fully come to terms with the reality we’re facing.  Why?  Because that reality sucks mightily.  It feels like crap and is not pretty at all to look at.  So, in the case of bargaining, we may say or do things to try to get our spouses to change their minds and work the marriage out.  Maybe you do something nice for your spouse, like send them a gift, mow their lawn, wash their car, etc.  Maybe you have lengthy, emotional conversations professing your love and vowing to change if they will just give it one more chance.  You may even bargain with God, promising your devotion to Him if He will please intervene and work a miracle to save your marriage.  In my case, my bargaining phase came later on, after the divorce process was already underway.  I didn’t want to save the marriage, but wanted my loneliness resolved as soon as possible.  I wanted the gaping hole in my heart filled with genuine love and wanted it to pretty much happen overnight.  I could accept the marriage being over but couldn’t accept being so very starkly alone (and thus embarked on the “flip out” stage we will be discussing soon), and so begged God to please, please send someone special to me and made promises on my end if He would only do that for me.  Whatever it looks like for you, many of us may go through a time where we promise our spouses, our loved ones, or even God that we will do whatever we have to do to make this pain go away and make everything feel “right” again.

DEPRESSION:  I really think this can hit us at any point in this process, but it seems to be worse after we come to the conclusion that no matter what we do, divorce is going to happen.  It’s over.  The marriage has come to an end.  I find it necessary to mention at this point that true depression is much more than just a major case of the blues.  If you’re wondering if what you’re experiencing qualifies as depression that may need professional treatment, please check out this article from the American Psychological Association https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/depression.aspx., and call a local 24-hour crisis hotline if need be (I’ve spoken to a crisis counselor before).   Depression is no joke.  It is a very serious issue.  If you are struggling with this, please seek help.  Being depressed does not make you weak.  It is a very common response to trauma, which divorce can definitely be classified as.  Do not be afraid to reach out to people who are there to listen and help you get back on your feet.  And remember, it takes time-do not try to force yourself to get better faster than you are able to.  Let the process of healing run it’s natural course. However, don’t stay stuck in the darkness.  Take your time, but do let the wounds heal up.  You can get through this.  You are not alone.

ACCEPTANCE:  It can take a while to reach this stage of the journey. Honestly, I feel that even after we have come to a place of acceptance, the other stages of grief still resurface from time to time.  One day, we may see or hear something that triggers a memory for us, and a wave of anger may wash over us.  Or the entire weight of the divorce may simply…….hit all at once on a random day, and we become mildly depressed for a few days.  Maybe we feel like we’re in a healthy place and doing better than ever until our former spouse starts dating again.  Then, all of a sudden, so many memories and feelings, good and bad, come forcefully rushing back.  Acceptance is a journey all on its own.  It comes in pieces…..accepting the reality of the situation, accepting how you feel and how your ex feels, accepting that your children’s lives are permanently altered by this, accepting that you now have to find a new way of navigating through life, accepting the damage that has been done and taking on the effort required to feel whole again.  It is a lot to take in.  Also, everyone reaches acceptance at a different pace.  Every individual is unique, as is every relationship.  No two divorces are identical.  If you feel that you are struggling and you know someone who is further in their journey, reach out to them.  If you see someone struggling and you feel that you are further along, extend your hand to them.  We need each other!

I’m certainly not a professional.  I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor or a scholar of any kind.  These are simply my humble observations about the process we go through.  One thing that helped me more than anything was knowing that I was not the only one going through this divorce thing.  I wasn’t the only one who understood how this feels.  Finding people who “get it,” who have been there and can relate to all these crazy ups and downs, all these mixed up feelings and stages of grief, has been priceless.  Although grief is not an easy thing to talk about, I hope that by reading this, you will see that whatever you’re feeling right now is okay.  You have a right to it.  You are not the only one going through this.  If you feel like you’re not progressing as fast as you should, give yourself a break.  I know I’ve said it frequently in just this one post, but it really does take time.  Healing and wholeness and a new and beautiful life is something you can have.  And even if it takes years, I honestly believe that when we finally start to heal, underneath all of this grief and brokenness, we discover the warrior within us. 

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together.