When I’m bored, I like to settle in and get lost down the various paths of totally meaningless information that is the internet.  Oh, I sometimes look up things that will actually benefit my life, such as articles on health and fitness, relationship advice, or different techniques I can use with the furniture I upcycle on the side.  Most of the time, however, I find myself looking for answers to questions like, “What are some of the most unfortunate first and last names ever” or “What would your name be if you were a unicorn” or “Who were the best and worst tv couples in a sitcom”……….or tonight’s world-changing question: “What are the worst reality competitions of all time?”

I have to say……..some things I came across while looking at various lists of worst reality tv competitions are gonna be really, really hard to unsee.  Some of them should not even be mentioned here.  Over the course of time, the minds behind these attempts at entertainment have run quite the gamut of wild ideas.  Not being a huge reality tv person myself unless it has involved cooking, fashion, weight loss (I am a former Biggest Loser fan), or the occasional spoiled “housewife” drama back in the day, my eyes were opened to some surprising things that I’ve missed through the years (not that I mind).  I was made aware of everything from shows involving blind dates where the individuals participating are totally naked to a funeral parlor that conducts over-the-top funerals, one of which involved dipping the dearly departed’s casket in chocolate………….yep.  Hey, if you get down with these things, have at it.  I’m certainly not judging…..well, I’m trying not to.  It’s a little strange to me, honestly.  But if it’s your thing, more power to ya. 

But there was one show that stood out to me in particular, not for its premise, but for something that it encouraged.  I’m not big on naming names, so bear with my vagueness right now.  Basically, it was a show where some apparently narcissistic guy who wouldn’t even go by his real name tried to show a bunch of unlucky single dudes how to effectively pick up women.  Whatever.  I don’t really care about the cheesiness of it all.  I mean, when you have shows with naked dating and chocolate coffins (not to mention the……..well, the unmentionables of what I was made privy to tonight), I guess any possible standards of class are barely even there.  But this guy suggested that his proteges employ a little tactic called “negging.”  This is the first I’ve heard of this term, but I am all too familiar with the behavior.  It’s when someone gives a subtle put-down or a “non-compliment,” as I like to call it (a compliment that isn’t really a compliment), to their romantic interest to break them down and make them vulnerable, theoretically causing said interest to want to work harder for that person’s attention and affection.  I realize it’s just a dumb reality show and that it’s likely the participants and this weird mystery dude aren’t really that serious about what they’re doing.  But whether that guy actually thinks “negging” is a good idea or was just pretending to for someone’s entertainment, it is a real thing.  And it got me to pondering…….

It’s time to talk about abusive relationships, of which negging is undoubtedly a part.  When people think about abusive relationships, Lifetime movie situations tend to be the first thing that comes to mind.  They think of a woman with a black and blue face and a busted lip saying she “fell” or a man who just starts screaming and swearing as soon as he walks in the door.  Those things do happen in real life.  However, abuse is a bit of a broad spectrum.  We can’t just look at the most extreme cases and assume that unless that’s what’s happening, it’s not abuse (more on that in a minute).  I think we do need to really gain clarity on what abuse really is so that we don’t find ourselves excusing toxic behavior and wasting our lives on relationships that will only hurt us. 

So, here is my definition of abuse:

Abuse:  purposefully harming your partner, whether through conscious calculated means or subconsciously by way of a survival or defense mechanism,  in order to relieve your anger or obtain control over that individual or over the situation at hand; can be executed verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, physically, or spiritually; can range in degree of severity from subtle insults excused as “teasing” to full on physical violence; includes anything you do on a regular basis to deliberately hurt your partner by any means; if formed into a consistent pattern of behavior, can lead to highly destructive and sometimes fatal consequences

I know that definition sounded a bit over-the-top.  Anyone who might be reading who is wondering if they are an abuser themselves would never accept that description.  Regardless of that, I feel it’s quite accurate.  There is so much I could say on this topic that I’m honestly struggling to find a satisfactory starting point.  But with that definition in mind, I want to launch into some different examples and characteristics of abuse in a relationship.

BUT FIRST………WHY???

Let’s start with how these people think.  Listen…….I’m, again, not a doctor, not a psychologist or therapist, not an expert of any kind on any subject whatsoever.  But I’ve lived in this kind of situation.  All I can speak from is my own experience and what I’ve heard from others.  Just like with any other group of people, there are different types of abusers.  Some will focus more on controlling your behavior and whereabouts.  Some are master manipulators who will twist your thoughts and bleed you dry of any emotional strength you have to give.  Some are aggressive to the point of yelling, screaming, and cursing.  Some are physically aggressive, some sexually aggressive and abusive.  Some may engage in a combination of some of these behaviors, or may even exhibit every single one of them.  But all of them have two common traits:  they are insecure and have a desperate need for control.

Let’s talk about the insecurity.  When you think about your partner, they may not seem insecure to you.  In fact, they may seem quite arrogant, as if they believe they are better than pretty much everyone else in the whole wide world (especially you).  They may brag on themselves frequently and assert themselves socially in ways you wouldn’t expect from an insecure person.  They may even boast about what a confident individual they are.  However, this is all a front.  They aren’t confident (secure), but are, instead, arrogant (insecure).  Confident people gain their self-worth from within.  They don’t need others’ approval to feel good about themselves.  That’s why they don’t feel the need to shove their greatness in others’ faces.  Arrogant people constantly need their arrogance fed.  Their entire self-esteem rests on praise from other people.  Therefore, they are constantly bragging and showing out and making sure everyone knows how great they are.  Confident people don’t love themselves because they think they’re perfect.  The fact that in order to be a whole and well-developed individual, change is required, does not diminish their self-esteem.  Therefore, they readily admit when they’re wrong.  They apologize.  They work on themselves regularly, because they care about themselves and want to be the best they can be.  Arrogant people don’t do this.  They can’t be wrong, for it puts a glaring hole in their façade of perfection.  It can’t be their fault.  They can’t take any blow whatsoever to the exaggerated image of greatness they try to portray.  When they do apologize, it’s often followed by a, “but….”  Don’t mistake arrogance for confidence.  Confidence and humility are kindred spirits. 

With this information, it’s easier to see how an insecure person could be inclined to abuse someone.  If you do not constantly feed their need for approval (which, by the way, is a bottomless pit into which you could never possibly deposit anything that would make a true difference), you are a threat to their ever so fragile self-esteem.  It is so fragile that they feel they need your loyalty, love, affection, commitment, and submission in order to function.  If they are under the belief that they’re not getting what they require from you, their desperation for it could lead them to attempt to force it from you or to punish you for depriving them of it.

Now, let’s talk about the control issue.  Usually, an abuser isn’t sitting by himself or herself somewhere in some dark lair, plotting an evil, villainous scheme on how to take over the universe.  Their ability to control their environment and the people in it is a need they have that is deeply rooted within the core of who they are.  There could be a lot of reasons why an abuser feels such a desperate need for control in his or her life.  There could be some childhood trauma, situations in their formative years in which they felt powerless in a bad situation.  It could be that they themselves grew up in an abusive home, where they never felt they had a voice or the ability to change anything that was happening around them.  In a case like that, they may have learned that the way to get what you want is by asserting control over others.  It could be the insecurity talking, in which case they are so unbelievably starved for love and approval that they will do whatever it takes to essentially force love and devotion from someone.  In any case, it seems to me to be a pathological survival method, a very twisted defense mechanism.  It is neither normal nor healthy for the abuser or the victim.

I could go on for some time about how abusers think.  A lot of that information, though, will be explained as we now talk about different tricks and tactics abusers typically use.  Some of these can be very sneaky!

TRICKS

Twisting Reality:  Abusers do this in several ways.  In the beginning of a relationship, it could start out as something like teasing you or making fun of you, even in front of others, and then claiming it was all in fun and making you believe that your discomfort with it is an overreaction.  They will act shocked that you got so upset over what they said or did, mocking disbelief that you would get bent out of shape over a little lighthearted “kidding.” You eventually start believing that you must truly be an overly-sensitive person, even though it still hurts every time they do it. It can escalate to things like pointing out all of the good things they do for you in an attempt to negate all of the horrible ways they treat you.  You start thinking of all the nice things they’ve done and decide they can’t be such a bad person after all (more on this in a moment).   It can even take on the form of comparing their behavior to that of an extreme case of abuse or control and saying something like, “I’m not abusing you!  Have I punched you yet?  Then no, you’re not being abused,” or “I don’t force you to do anything or restrict your movements.  Therefore, I’m not controlling,” when you’re well aware of the price you’ll pay if you don’t do thing exactly the way they want you to.  They lend their own definitions to things, which typically don’t include any of the behaviors they regularly engage in, and convince you to adopt these definitions as truth.  But it doesn’t have to be the most extreme case in order to qualify as abuse or control.  They want you to think it does, though.  That way, they can do anything up to that point and get away with it, because they have twisted your reality to go against what you know in your gut to be true. 

Buffering:  When abusers are on a “high,” when they’re feeling friendly and in good spirits, they can be very, very good to their partners.  They can be so good, in fact, that it confuses their partner so much that the abused person can’t focus on the horrifically toxic relationship they’re in. 

“But he took us on that wonderful vacation last year!  He can’t be such a bad guy.” 

“He brought me flower just the other day, for no reason!”

“She always takes such good care of me when I’m sick.  I know she cares about me.  Surely everything will get better soon.”

Abusers do just enough good things to buffer all the awful things to do so that they always have those positive things to point to.  It isn’t coming from a diabolical mindset most of the time.  They aren’t necessarily scheming on purpose.  Often, they do it out of guilt over the horrible things they’ve done to you.  No matter why they do it, though, it’s deceptive in nature.  It’s designed to convince you that everything is okay when it’s really not.  If you ever feel brave enough to express any dissatisfaction with the relationship, they can say, “But what about the time I…….” and make you feel horrible for thinking they are anything less than a wonderful human being.  Sometimes, they even do really over-the-top things in order to prove themselves.  They may take you on amazing trips or spend a lot of money on a gift or at an upscale restaurant.  But the same person who rubs your feet and serves you chicken soup when you’re sick could be the same person who totally flips out if you don’t come home exactly on time.  The same person who takes you on the cruise of a lifetime could be the same person who completely loses their mind when they see you talking to a friend.  They want you to believe that the good is good enough to let the bad go…………it’s not.  No trip, gift, compliment, or kind gesture makes up for abuse.  It’s not worth it.

Fishing:  Listen, all of these terms are my own, so…..yeah.  I know it sounds weird, but I want to call this particular things “fishing.”  When you go fishing for actual fish, you strategically bait your hook, go where you suspect the fish are biting, and attempt to expertly cast your line in the right area, after which you steadfastly wait for a bite.  If you don’t get one after a while, you reel it in and recast it, hoping you will somehow land in a better spot and lure in your intended prey.  That’s what abusers do.  They do it through emotional manipulation (yeah, I could have just labelled it that, but this way is more fun 😊).  Abusers love to make their victims feel sorry for them.  They will pick up on any warmth or softness in your heart and use the appropriate bait to try to get you to “bite.”  If they aren’t getting enough attention, or if they feel you are somehow slipping out of their grasp (which could be brought on by something as simple as having a medium-length conversation with literally anyone other than them), they do things to let you know that they are “not okay” emotionally.  They will act down, sorrowful, maybe even become self-depreciating in order to milk any compliment they can from you.  They will do things to draw your attention away from other people and other responsibilities so that you make them your central focus right then and there.  If their bait doesn’t work, they will keep casting the line out there.  If you don’t bite with that bait, watch out………..they might use another kind out of desperation, and it will not be pretty.  Beware that if you don’t bite when they try to play on your sympathies, they may become aggressive.  That way, you have to pay attention to them or else!  They convince loving, empathetic people that they are hurting and in need of comfort and encouragement, when what they’re really doing is the adult equivalent of a child showing out for attention.  Don’t fall for it.

Tipping Scales:  Abusers have to be the winners in the relationship.  They have to be the good one, the smart one, the strong one, etc.  You can’t be better than they are at really anything without it bothering them on some level.  They might play on any weaknesses they see in you in order to break you down so that they feel better about themselves and, thus, more powerful.  If they know you worry about your weight, they may start overly-criticizing your physique.  If they know you can be shy or awkward socially, they may point out every mistake you make when you’re out and about with them, sometimes even in front of friends or family.  They will diminish your accomplishments.  They will degrade you.  They will hold you to standards even they themselves could never live up to and demean you when you inevitably fail to reach them.  Whatever they have to do to set up a situation where both of you are convinced that they are the strong one and you are the weak one, they will wholeheartedly do.  This is particularly damaging.  It confuses your belief about who you are.  It severely breaks down a person’s self-confidence and sense of value as a human being.  It also creates an uneven power dynamic where you rely on them, the “strong” one, to sustain you and essentially parent you through life, because you, the “weak” one, obviously don’t know what you’re doing can’t possibly make it on your own. 

Intimidation:  This is where it gets dangerous, friends.  Quite obviously, based on all we’ve talked about thus far, abusers do this to maintain control over you.  In your relationship, if you start to regularly become afraid of the consequences of simple actions, such as not making it home on time or talking to certain people or going somewhere without alerting your partner to each and every one of your whereabouts, that is a sign that the relationship has become significantly toxic.  If you are afraid to be yourself, express your true feelings, or confront your partner about anything, it’s not a healthy relationship.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news and am certainly not promoting divorce, but it’s honestly not likely to improve.  How can you solve this problem without proper communication?  And how can you have proper communication if you’re afraid to express yourself to your partner?  If you are consistently stressed out over whether your partner will verbally assault you, place an enormous guilt trip on you, or physically assault you in any way, your best bet is to terminate the relationship.  Intimidation on any level whatsoever is not part of a healthy, loving relationship.

There are certainly other tactics abusers use with their partners, but these are the ones that stand out to me the most.

Now that we know some of the ways abusers tend to operate, let’s take note of some red flags that we can be on the lookout for to avoid getting involved with someone who might be an abuser or controller:

“Negging” – This is just gross, to be honest.  Insults or “non-compliments” are super disrespectful.  If you meet someone and they start throwing comments like this at you, walk away.  It can only get worse from there.

Frequent Mood Swings – One minute, they’re happy.  The next, they’re down in the dumps and expecting you to pull them up and out of the darkness.  Yes, we all have bad days and times when we need to lean on our partners for strength and support.  But when it’s so frequent that you never know what persona they’re going to don when you see them, that’s a sign of toxicity.

Bragging and Boasting/Extreme Competitiveness:  When someone can’t lose well, it’s a red flag.  When they are always bragging on themselves….red flag.  If they diminish your accomplishments, big red flag.  If he feels the need to shove his machoism in your face, red flag.  If she brags about being a bitch, red flag.  Also, be on the lookout for guys who refer to themselves as “nice guys.”  That sounds harmless on the surface, I know.  But in my experience, almost every guy who has had to tell me he’s “one of the good ones” and has lamented about how “nice guys finish last” when rejected has turned out to be anything but nice or good.  If they have to tell you that about themselves before you notice it on your own, that’s not a great sign.  Actually, that one right there leads me to also mention……

Frequent Self-Depreciating Remarks:  The opposite of the above red flag is also a red flag.  Although insecurity is sometimes disguised as arrogance, it is also sometimes very obviously presented as what it truly is.  If someone is constantly putting themselves down to the point that you are beginning to feel as if you are always having to convince them of their worth, you are setting yourself up to be emotionally leeched from as long as you’re with them.  You can encourage someone.  You can help someone out in a difficult time or on a down day.  But you cannot make someone love himself or herself.  That has to come from within.  Expecting your partner to be your emotional crutch is a key ingredient for a toxic relationship.

Not a Good Listener:  Watch out for people who have to always dominate a conversation.  If they are a poor listener, or listen only to gain ammo with which to come back at you with a “better” point in the discussion, let that alert you to the likelihood that they are too self-focused to ever be able to focus on you.  It is also a sign that they’re really not interested in who you are, what you think, or how you feel.  So, why are they with you?  You may not want to stick around to find out the answer to that question.

You have changed in ways you don’t like/Lost your sense of self:  If you’ve changed since being involved with your partner, was it because you wanted to, or did it just seem to happen without your realizing it?  Do you like the changes you see in yourself?  Did you start changing your clothes or hairstyle because you wanted to try something new, or because your partner expressed disapproval of your personal tastes?  Do you feel like you can completely be yourself around your partner, or do you feel that you must tailor your choices to what they deem worthy or acceptable?  Do you feel that you have to work hard to earn their approval?  Do you feel that you are the same person you were before you met them?  If you don’t feel that you are able to live as your true self in your relationship, it is not healthy for you.  No one deserves the power to take you away from yourself!

Rushing The Relationship:  This one speaks to the abuser’s insecurity and need for control in a major way.  They need to hastily lock down some sort of binding commitment from you in order to secure that you are “theirs.”  Listen…..I get that relationships tend to move at a quicker pace as we get older.  We already know what we’re looking for, know what we don’t want in a partner, etc.  So yes, for those of us who are no longer in our 20’s and don’t literally have our whole lives ahead of us, the topic of marriage might come up a lot sooner than it did when we were younger.  I would just speculate that at any age, if you’ve already been through divorce and now have a much better idea of what you want in someone, things may progress more quickly than usual.  However, if you and this person are going ring shopping on the second date……that’s a li’l too quick!  Regardless of the pace, if you are feeling rushed to progress things further than you’re ready to, don’t be afraid to pump the brakes (or even slam on the brakes if need be!).

Short Fuse:  This one is obvious.  If they lose their temper quickly and over things that most people would barely be bothered by, walk away before you get involved any more deeply than you are.  It will not improve.

There are so many more things I could mention that I almost feel like I need to write a Part Two to this.  I hope, though, that this will give someone out there some clarity on a relationship they’ve been feeling uncomfortable about, help those out there in the crazy dating realm have a bit better understanding of what to look out for, and ultimately just help us all protect ourselves. 

I can’t wrap it all up without including just one more thing.  If you are or have been involved in an abusive/controlling relationship with someone, I want you to know something……

1.  You are not to blame.  Whoever abused you made their own choices. You didn’t make them do it.  No one deserves to be abused………..EVER.

2.  Getting out is a healthy choice.  If you left your abusive partner and feel guilty about it, please know that getting away was absolutely right and healthy for you.  If you are wondering whether or not to leave and have come to the conclusion that you are being abused, please know that leaving is not wrong.  If you’re afraid to leave, there are people who can help you do that.  There are shelters you (and your children) can go to where you will be safe.  There is a way out.  There is help available for you.  It’s okay to walk away from something that is hurting you.

3.  Trust your gut.  Sometimes, we might get the feeling we’re “making a big deal out of nothing.”  Our toxic partners definitely want us to believe that.  But if something doesn’t feel right to you, it’s likely not right.  Trust that gnawing feeling in the back of your mind and in the deeper places in your heart, the feeling that your love and care for your partner might be dulling for you, the feeling your partner tries to get you to ignore by doing nice things.  If you’re just not comfortable, take it seriously.

4.  You are worthy of love.  This didn’t happen to you because of anything that has to do with you personally.  You are not weak.  You are not worthless.  You are not unlovable.  You are (or were) with someone who has no ability to recognize the precious, valuable person you are.  But rest assured that someone out there absolutely will notice it.  Friends who love you, family who loves you, and hopefully one day a partner who will love you in the ways you deserve to be loved.  But know that what was done to you is no reflection of your worth.  You have a right to insist, from now on, that all future partners treat you properly.  You are worth it.

Two books that helped me out A LOT right after I left my toxic marriage were Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, and Toxic Men by Lillian Glass.  I know these books are primarily geared toward bad behavior from men.  However, I believe men in abusive relationships could benefit from the concepts as well.  Check them both out for more information on this subject.

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!