We’ve heard it said that misery loves company.  When we’re at a low point in life, it often helps to have someone to just sit with us, to validate our feelings, to refrain from dispensing any sort of unrequested sage wisdom or try to talk us out of our feelings of discouragement, and simply say, “I know.  It sucks.”  It somehow makes tough times more manageable when we have someone to share them with.  The same is true for when we experience personal successes or special joys in life.  We want someone to celebrate with!  We want those closest to us to share in our happiness.  Unfortunately, that sometimes doesn’t happen when we most expect it to. 

When we’re trudging through the overwhelming reality of post-divorce life, struggling through the lonely sleepless nights and wading through the sea of unsuitable suitors out there, it can be incredibly discouraging at times.  We’re often able to bond with others in our same situation, maybe even laugh at all the dating failures or help each other find new goals or interests in our efforts to rebuild our lives. But what happens when things change?  What happens when the friend who was once your partner in crime is now in a loving relationship?  What happens when you’re the friend who’s suddenly no longer single? 

I must say……….I was not prepared for the reactions from the people closest to me when I began dating after divorce.  I naively assumed that after having seen what I’d been through during the most difficult times of my former marriage and during and immediately after divorce, surely my friends and family would be as ecstatic as I was for me to finally find a great guy.  I was surprised to discover that they weren’t quite as enthusiastic about my new relationships as I was.  So, I got to thinking that if some of their responses caught me off guard, perhaps there are others out there who also may not be expecting such responses.  I felt the need to give a heads up about what might happen when you share your good news with your loved ones.

So, here’s the scenario:  You’ve finally found a lovely romance with an amazing person.  May or may not turn out to be a forever thing, but you feel great about it and are happier than you’ve been in a long time.  Obviously, you want to share this joy with others!  Their faces are going to light up with huge smiles as they throw their arms around you and say, ‘That’s great!!  I’m so happy for you!!”……Right?  Well, not always.  Here are some possible unexpected responses you might receive from the following people in your life……

MARRIED FRIENDS:

I want to start with the reaction of your married friends, because they’re the one’s you’d think would have no reason not to be happy for you.  After all, what’s it to them?  They’ve got someone.  They’re not family.  This isn’t really going to affect them in any particular way. 

First of all, being your friends, they care about you.  They don’t want to see you get hurt again.  Therefore, they may start out being a bit wary of your new relationship.  They want to make sure you aren’t setting yourself up for fresh trauma down the road.  If they aren’t jumping for joy, that might be part of the reason why.  This, of course, is understandable.  It doesn’t mean that they think you’re incapable of choosing a decent partner.  It just means that they care about you and don’t want to watch you suffer all over again.  Once they see that you’re in a happy, healthy relationship, they may warm up to your significant other and be a bit more optimistic about your situation. 

However, there are some other reasons why your married friends might respond in an unfavorable way.  Maybe their marriage isn’t as fresh and exciting as it used to be, and seeing you in that blissful state of new love makes them wistful for the days when they used to feel that way with their partner.  Maybe their marriage has fallen on hard times and they are slightly jealous of the second chance at love that you’re currently enjoying.  I doubt these are very likely possibilities among your married friends, but they are possibilities nonetheless.  Lastly, sometimes married people can just be downright judgey about other people’s relationships, especially if they think theirs is beyond amazing and a standard for which everyone should strive.  Then again, being married, maybe they’re just not interested in hearing about the whole dating scene in general (because they’re soooooo past that now *insert eye roll*).  Whatever the reason might be, those are some possible theories as to why your married friends may not be as happy for you as you’d expect them to be.

SINGLE FRIENDS:

Like your married friends, your single friends don’t want to see you get hurt and go through hell all over again.  This is, obviously, the case with anyone in your life who cares about you (friends, family, kids, co-workers, etc).  With single friends, though, your new relationship brings with it the glaring reality that you’ve found love while they are still alone.  Though you don’t want to rub it in your single friend’s face, it’s difficult not to talk about the person you’re crazy about and to do so quite frequently.  This might make your friend feel uncomfortable.  Also, you won’t have as much time to spend with single friends due to time spent nurturing your new romance.  The bond between friends who have gone through divorce is a strong one.  It’s easy to be excited while you’re both out there dating around, meeting interesting new people here and there.  But when one of you goes as far as to be no longer single, that bond can begin to deteriorate a bit.  How much it deteriorates depends on both how your friend reacts to your dating situation and the effort you put into maintaining the friendship in the midst of the changes that have occurred.  You kind of take yourself just a few steps outside that “divorced people” circle you used to run in when you start seriously dating someone, at least in the eyes of your single friends. 

Most of this is understandable.  But beware that some of your friends can get quite bitter about your newfound love.  Although it makes sense for your friend to be a bit down about the decline in your one-on-one time together, the end of your shared singlehood, or their remaining single status, it isn’t cool for them to resent you for finding happiness with someone.  If your friendship ends because a new relationship begins, it might be a blessing in disguise.  People who really care about you are happy for you on at least some level, even if things aren’t working out for them in the same way.

FAMILY:

This one might really catch you off guard.  Your former spouse, for better or worse, was part of the family.  They were a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law, an aunt or an uncle, a brother-in-law or a sister-in-law.  Depending on how long you were married (again, for better or worse), to suddenly see you romantically involved with someone else is………well, from what I’ve heard, it’s just “weird.”  This is likely the case across the board for anyone who knew you when you were married.  However, it’s super weird for your family, who probably saw you with your spouse more often and in more personal situations than did most other people in your life.  You and your ex spent holidays with these people.  You produced your parents’ grandchildren together.  You went on vacations with them.  They participated in your wedding to this person.  Regardless of the dynamic of the marriage or the circumstances surrounding the divorce, it is simply a strange feeling to see you with another man or woman.  The picture looks different.  It may take time for both their physical and emotional eyes to adjust to the new reality.  Also, your family shares the same concerns about your emotional well being that your friends have for you, which is compounded by the fact that they love you on a deeper level and may feel an even greater sense of protectiveness over you as their family member.  As with your friends, once your family realizes that this new person cares for you and that the relationship is a truly healthy and loving one, they may become more accepting over time.  Don’t rush family on this one.  The may not be nearly as excited as you are at first.  But if they love you, they will come around eventually.

KIDS:

This one can be a bit unpredictable.  I think some of it might depend on your individual situation.  If your marriage was horrible and you are now in a happy and loving relationship, your kids may be thrilled and relieved that someone is finally treating their parent properly.  If they are particularly close with your ex, they might resent a new partner and feel that this person is “taking the place of” their other parent.  Your new partner might provide them with exactly what they need emotionally, causing them to bond with them very quickly and very strongly.  Or your partner and your child might clash with one another.  Boys might be a bit protective of their mothers.  Girls might be a bit protective of their fathers.  Or, as in the case of other family members, it might just feel totally weird, awkward, and uncomfortable.  Finally, your kids might feel a bit neglected if you are spending a lot of time with your significant other. 

I want to make a few quick points here, as someone who’s experiencing this part of it currently……

Regardless of your child’s reaction to your dating after divorce, do not feel guilty for moving on.  You have a right to embrace love when it comes to you.  Your emotional needs are separate from those of your children and are just as important.  However………

We can’t lose sight of the fact that our children’s feelings matter too in this situation.  Though everyone does things differently, it was my strong conviction not to introduce anyone to my kids unless I was fairly certain they were going to be sticking around for a good while.  I didn’t want my kids to get attached to someone only to go through the painful ordeal of losing a person they care about all over again.  This is only my opinion, but I would suggest being super cautious about introducing someone new to your kids.  It’s difficult enough for us as adults to handle the frequent rise and fall of relationships.  Kids aren’t equipped to deal with that.  Be sensitive to what a massive change this is for your child and go as slowly as necessary to ensure that your child is as comfortable with the situation as possible.  Talk to them about it and encourage them to express their honest feelings about what’s going on.  Assure them regularly that your love for them hasn’t diminished in the slightest just because there is a new person in your life for you to love.  Again, this is just the approach I try to take.  I realize not everyone goes about it the same way.  The point is that our kids don’t need to get lost in the mix.  However we choose to do things when it comes to integrating them into our new situations, let’s be respectful of their feelings.

OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS:

This one was just worth a quick mention to me, because I found the response to be quite interesting and at times a bit disappointing.  I’ve always been one of those girls who has mostly guys for friends.  For many reasons which I don’t have time to discuss at the moment, I just tend to get along a bit better in general with men than I do with women.  The vast majority of my opposite sex friendships have been platonic from start to finish.  However, I noticed that some of my guy friends have tended to react a bit strangely when I’ve started dating someone.  If you have opposite sex friends (regardless of your gender) and they begin acting a little strangely toward you or your new partner, it could be that they feel protective of you and don’t want you to get mixed up with some jerk who will only hurt you.  But beware that sometimes, your opposite sex friends might harbor romantic feelings toward you that you don’t realize are there.  They may be holding out hope that something might eventually happen between the two of you.  So, while they might be happy that you’re happy, they may also be bummed out that they didn’t get a chance with you.  I have maintained some guy friends after finding a partner and, unfortunately, lost some others.   As with anyone else we’ve discussed so far, no matter how they feel initially, if they are truly your friends and care about you, they will continue to be so, even if they wish the circumstances could be different.  Just an interesting group of people I thought I’d mention 😊

OTHERS:

So, what about co-workers?  Church members?  Neighbors?  Honestly, a lot of them might simply not carry much interest at all in what you’re doing with your personal life.  The only group in this category that I really have any experience with is church members.  Like the others, if they knew you when you were married, it might be very “weird” for them.  With church members, they are also going to ask you that one BIG question that seems to trump all others: “Is he/she a believer?”  Some people also are of the belief that marriage after divorce is a sin.  You might receive some judgmental comments from some people.  Let it go.  Not everyone has to be happy for you or agree with what you’re doing (that “divorce and the church” blog is still coming in the future, promise!).

So……..I say all of this to simply give a heads up that when you find love after divorce, you just don’t always receive the response from people that you expect to. That can be disappointing. Though some will share in your happiness right away, you might not get as much of that as you’d like.  As long as you and your new partner are happy with each other, things will be fine.  Give your friends and family time to digest what’s happening.  It can actually be an interesting weeding out process for people who don’t have your best interest in mind.  Don’t let the lack of excitement from others get you down. Those who love you and want the best for you will eventually come around and share in your happiness with you.  Those who don’t aren’t that big of a loss. 

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!