With some exceptions, most of us start learning to talk when we’re just shy of a year old.  We’ve barely even gotten started in this crazy world when we begin learning to answer questions with “yes” and “no,” tell our parents if we want or need something, and indicate what we like and dislike.  After a bit, we begin learning to form sentences and carry on basic conversation.  We learn to express ourselves with phrases like “thank you” and “I love you” and “No! I don’t want to!” (we all went through the terrible threes……yes, threes are worse than the twos…as a parent, I’m convinced of this).  We have to be told at some point to be polite and not just blurt out whatever we’re thinking, yet also learn to lie to get out of trouble.  All in all, we’ve been at this communication thing our whole lives.

So………why is it so difficult in adulthood to properly communicate?  Why do we suddenly start having a problem asking for what we need, telling someone what we do and don’t like?  Why do we struggle to say “no” when we have too much on our plates, or to tell someone how we feel about them?  If it was so easy to do when we were little kids, what happened?

Life happened.  Innocent children don’t know that there’s a risk in communicating openly and honestly.  They haven’t been lied to or cheated on.  They (hopefully!) haven’t been abused or abandoned.  They haven’t experienced sharing their deepest, truest feelings with someone, only to be coldly rejected when that person doesn’t feel the same way.  Life really screws us up, doesn’t it…..rendering us unable to do what a toddler can do.  Every disappointment, heartbreak, and betrayal puts another dent in our ability to share our thoughts and feelings with others, resulting in whatever mangled mess we end up with after several decades.

It’s okay.  It’s impossible to get through life without a lot of damages (see two posts ago..).  We just have to find ways to work through the damages to get to the healthy places.  In order to do that, we have to identify where our struggles might be coming from.  For example, I have a long history of people leading me to believe that my feelings are ridiculous, that I either don’t know what I’m talking about or that I’m overreacting.  Now, I could be mistaken at times.  I could be overreacting at times.  But I’ve been made to feel like that is almost always the case, no matter what I do.  The result is my current hesitation to share how I truly feel with friends and partners out of fear that maybe I’m confused or feeling too much.  When I hold back something I need to share, it causes tension in my relationships.  Tension leads to legit problems, which can (and do) sometimes lead to dissolution of those relationships.  So, In my attempt to fix that issue about myself, if I find someone who opens a door for me to share and I start feeling comfortable doing that (which takes a while for me), then I start talking.  But then…I get nervous and vulnerable about it and start thinking that maybe I overshared (whether or not I actually did), and I pull back again.  So I get in a vicious cycle of getting close, backing off, getting close, etc.  Get the picture? 

What are some of your roadblocks?  What things have happened in your life that might be causing you to struggle with communicating effectively in your relationships?  A number of things could cause it to be complicated for us.  Did you have a parent or a partner who became super skittish when it came to talking about anything personal?  I once dated someone who felt it necessary to make the point, more than once, that he was not a “feelings guy.”  It certainly didn’t mean that he didn’t have any feelings, but rather that he did not like to express them or discuss them.  When I needed clarity about where things were going with us, I hesitated for weeks to bring it up out of concern that he would get totally freaked out and completely end things.  When I finally couldn’t take it any longer and asked him about it, I discovered that my fears were, unfortunately, justified.  Some people are just really funny about discussing the serious stuff.  They avoid all deep, personal conversations.  If you had a parent or partner like this, one who backed off and tuned out anytime things got real, it can definitely cause you some issues.  It could lead you to keep your relationships at a surface level because it’s what you know.  It could cause you to confide in someone other than your partner, even if your current partner is actually willing to listen. It could also lead to unhealthy habits, like using alcohol or other substances to dull the feelings, or overworking yourself so that you stay distracted at all times.  You start to view having feelings as a negative thing, because your partner presented it that way to you.

If you’ve been in an abusive or controlling relationship, with a parent or a partner, you may have been trained to believe that your feelings don’t matter.  You might put your partner’s needs so far above your own that you begin catering to them and doting on them more than necessary.  If they want to do something or go somewhere, you always say yes, even if you don’t want to do it.  If they do something that hurts you, you just toughen up and take it, just like you always have.  You learn that your partner’s happiness is all that matters.  You learn to keep the peace.  As long as they’re fine, you’re fine.  From your experience, you’ve come to believe that any sort of conflict will turn into a hellish nightmare, and therefore must be avoided at all costs.  So, you are content (so you think) to not have any personal rights in the relationship as long as you can keep a smile on your partner’s face and keep them from having any sort of negative emotion toward you.  Speaking from personal experience………..this doesn’t work.  Human beings are not static creatures.  We ebb and flow constantly.  Sometimes we feel great, other times we want to be left alone.  Sometimes we feel like our partner is just the dadgum snap and crackle to our pop, and sometimes they kinda come across like slightly stale cereal someone forgot to close the bag on overnight.  I mean, that is just the plain truth.  And it’s okay.  It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you if they don’t like something you have to say.  It is okay if your partner isn’t happy all the time.  They’re human and not really supposed to be happy all the time, for one.  For another, their feelings are not your responsibility.  Finally, your feelings and your partner’s feelings are equally important…….EQUALLY IMPORTANT.  It may take time to come to terms with the reality that you have just as much right to speak up as they do.  But please understand that if your partner loves you and cares about the relationship at all, they will listen and respect you.

 Maybe you’re not a “feelings person” yourself.  Maybe you tried that once, and trust was severely broken.  Maybe you shared your heart with someone and got it thrown right back in your face by way of rejection.  Maybe you saw other people in your life get hurt and decided to put up a strong, high wall with people to ensure that the same thing never happened to you.  Maybe sharing your feelings makes you feel vulnerable, makes you feel weak for needing or wanting something.  Maybe you don’t want to be a burden on others, so you just deal with your stuff on your own (doesn’t work, I’ve tried – we all need people).  Maybe you’re someone who used to live life at the other end of the spectrum, being overly emotional and dependent on others.  Seeing the problems that caused, you now overcorrect by keeping everything locked up tightly within you.  Maybe in your family or in a former relationship, appearances were particularly important.   Your community couldn’t know that there were problems.  You had to live out a façade so that no one would know that your lives were anything less than picture perfect.  So, you just continue to put on that social face, that mask you wear to work and church and around your friends and acquaintances, and also with your partner.  You don’t know how to take it off.  You could be dying inside and no one would know it.  Honestly, this can lead to serious health problems, both mentally and physically.  If you don’t want to feel too vulnerable, it might be a good idea to reach out and get counselling from a professional.  No one has to know that you’re doing this for yourself if you don’t want them to.  You can talk things out with an unbiased person who is literally there just to listen and help you.  If this is you, please……for your own sake, find someone you trust enough to talk to when you’re having a hard time.  It can help you to be able to communicate with your partner as well.  Though it might be uncomfortable and even feel intimidating at times, it’s extremely important to have an open line of communication with your significant other.  The more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel with it over time.  Your partner will be thankful for it, and you will relieve so much stress off yourself.

Regardless of whatever underlying reasons exist for our individual struggles with communication in relationships, opening up and sharing the personal stuff can make anyone feel exposed and vulnerable.  However, we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to step out and go there.  If we don’t have the courage to communicate, it can cause serious, potentially long-term personal problems.  Let’s look at a few examples…….

Let’s say that your partner is not nurturing you emotionally.  Or maybe they have become so caught up in their work that they have neglected quality time with you.  Maybe physical intimacy is lacking.  You want to tell your partner that you need them to pay attention to you, to rekindle the closeness and the bond you two once shared.  You want them to do their part in re-establishing that connection.  But you’re afraid.  You feel weak asking for personal, emotional things like that.  It makes you feel like you’re having to beg your partner to love you, which makes you feel pathetic.  Maybe your partner can be a bit unapproachable.  Maybe they’re not a great listener, which makes you all the more hesitant to start this much-needed conversation with them.  So, you decide that rather than talk to them about what you need, you’ll just make do with what they’re giving you.  The Problem:  First of all, it’s going to be difficult for you to be happy in that relationship (your happiness does matter, by the way).  The more unfulfilled you feel, the more bitter you might become.  You may start to pull away from your partner and give less to them because you feel like they aren’t giving enough to you.  This can lead to either one of you finding fulfillment in another person, even if you’re not looking for it (that whole “right place, right time” thing).  That can, of course, lead to infidelity and wreak havoc on all the families involved, leaving whoever stepped out with a lifelong sense of guilt.  This is an example of how avoiding the conflict and trying to “make do” makes us more vulnerable than taking a chance, bypassing our feelings of insecurity and fear, and having an honest conversation.  

Here’s another example…….Maybe you are struggling with something internally, something that has nothing to do with your partner.  You love them, but you really need a bit of space to get your thoughts and feelings together.  However, you don’t know how to express your need for that.  What if they take it personally?  What if they feel like you’re pushing them away?  What if they get angry and it causes a huge fight, which will not only tarnish the relationship but also add to the weight of stress you’re already under?  So, you just don’t say anything.  It’ll be fine.  You can deal with it.  But without even meaning to, you become distant due to being distracted by whatever’s going on in your life, as well as by your need for space that just won’t be ignored.  All your partner sees is your behavior, the chill you’re giving off because you need some room but don’t know how to ask for it.  They just see you pulling back and withdrawing affection, not reaching out, etc.  Naturally, they’re going to wonder what’s going on.  And if your personal issues are directly affecting the way you’re behaving toward your partner, they may assume that it has something to do with them……….which is exactly what you were trying to avoid by not telling them you needed space!  So, you see……not just coming out with it and expressing yourself may cause even more problems than the conversation would have.  At the very least, it will cause the same problem, so what’s the difference?  It’s worth it to just say something. 

One more example:  Let’s imagine that your partner has been acting differently lately.  Maybe they’re the one who’s been being distant.  Or maybe they have a new, attractive co-worker whom they’ve been talking to a lot lately, and it makes you uncomfortable.  Maybe they’ve been cancelling plans with you recently, or the romance between the two of you has noticeably mellowed out lately.  You wonder what in the world is going on.  You worry and think about it a lot, but you’re afraid to say something.  You want to say, “I feel like you’ve been distant lately.  Is everything okay?”  But you don’t want to come across as a drama queen.  You want to ask about the co-worker, but you don’t want to be seen as a jealous partner (or get labeled as “crazy” or possessive).  You want to bring up the fact that things have changed between the two of you, but you don’t want to seem needy, clingy, or neurotic.  The point of this example is that you are legitimately worried about something, it is causing you serious stress, but you’re afraid to say something.  So, you let your anxiety take over.  You let it chip away at you day after day.  It may cause you to lose your appetite, or possibly to overeat.  You might sink into depression, which can cause problems with all of your other relationships (kids, family, co-workers).  Your job performance could suffer.  Your partner will definitely notice that something is off-kilter, but you will go inward and avoid talking about it out of fear.  Again, your partner will only see your behavior……and what will that look like to them?  The behavior without context might cause you to appear dramatic, overly-emotional, not healthy, not in control of your life…..all things that you’re trying to avoid by not bringing up what’s bothering you.  This can sometimes push your partner further away, which can make you worry even more, which can ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

There are so many other scenarios I could come up with to show how not communicating can lead to self-fulfilling prophecy (essentially bringing about a feared outcome by your attempts to avoid it).  Yes, it’s scary.  We don’t want to upset our partners or paint ourselves as needy or weak.  We don’t want to cause drama and tension between ourselves and someone else.  But it’s absolutely essential to get things out of our systems and have the tough conversations.  It’s the best chance our relationships have of being healthy, strong, and long-lasting.

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together.