It’s that time of year again, friends!  Today is Christmas Eve-Eve.  It’s that time when the roads are consistently jammed with shoppers who waited til the last minute to start chipping away at their Christmas list, or those who just need that “one more thing” for someone special.  It’s the time when you’re asked the same questions multiple times in the span of about two weeks – “Are you all ready for Christmas?”  “Have you gotten all of your shopping done yet?”  “What are you doing for the holidays?”  “Are you going out of town this year?” “Are your kids getting excited for Christmas?”  Same ol’ generic social questions we ask each other every single year.  It’s the time when you willfully downgrade your diet on your priority list and vow to make amends for it after the new year.  It’s the time of debate, when we scroll through our social media and see some friends who broke out the red and green and the Bing Crosby right along with their turkey and cranberry sauce, while others were very clear about what they would do to you if they heard one single jingle bell before the Christmas season had “officially” begun.  We also see some make mention of Santa and Frosty and elves on shelves, while others are there to (constantly) remind us of the True Reason for the season. 

Speaking of social media, it can be a source of discouragement for some of us during the holidays.  For those of us who are divorced or going through divorce right now, it can be a constant reminder of the pain of having our family portraits permanently changed.  I know that it’s been difficult for me to scroll through my Facebook or Instagram feed and see all the happy families, perfectly posed and color-coordinated and smiling like they’re living their best lives.  Truthfully, it was difficult to look at even when I was married.  But it brings a different kind of pain now.  A complete family is something I’ve always longed for.  I wouldn’t say that I’m jealous of others for what they have.  It’s simply a reminder that there is still a missing piece to my puzzle.  My picture isn’t complete.  That hurts.  And so, I scroll on, avoiding lingering on any one family photo for too long, doling out the obligatory likes for whom it will matter, and trying not to dwell on discouraging thoughts.

Something else that some of my fellow divorcees out there might not be looking forward to are the inevitable comments and questions from family.  They may ask you about your ex, or if you’ve found anyone special yet.  If you have, they might start asking if or when you’re going to marry them.  They may bring up the past, opening up wounds and recalling memories from all you’ve been through with your divorce.  They usually mean well.  Still, it can be a lot to face, especially during the holidays, when you’re already struggling with all the changes from the way things used to be. 

For some of us, our minds are our sole battleground.  Last year, I saw several of my friends struggle with bouts of depression during the holidays.  This wasn’t limited to Christmastime, either.  This stretch of time spanned from Thanksgiving on through the first few weeks of the new year, maybe even til after Valentines Day.  There are a lot of special moments included in those months, moments that used to hold different faces, colors, sounds, smells, and feelings than they do now.  Some of us don’t see our children as much as we’d like to during the holidays.  Some don’t get to wake up with their kids on Christmas morning anymore.  Some get to see their babies for a few hours before they have to hand them back to the other parent.  Some don’t have family that live close enough to visit with, and therefore end up spending those special days completely alone.  And so, for some of us, the holidays bring a deep, aching loneliness colder than any winter weather could ever be. 

Can you relate to any of this?  Do you scroll through your social media feeds during the holidays and just feel like throwing your phone across the room?  Do you get tired of the questions and comments and prying?  Is this a time for you when all the memories flood your mind and heart with a crushing tidal wave of sorrow over what will never again be? 

YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

This time of year can be tough for those of us who’ve had our family portraits altered, especially for those who don’t feel like their picture is complete yet.  But there are things we can do that can help us get through it.  I truly hope that none of this comes across with a “preachy” tone.  Believe me, I get it.  I know how difficult this time can be.  But I also know that we have to be strong and take care of ourselves in the face of that difficulty.  We have to keep on…..for our kiddos, for our friends and families, and especially for ourselves……….

Listen….I want to pause right here and add that it doesn’t matter whether your divorce was your fault or not.  I think when talking about divorce, we tend to forget that some people also carry the enormous burden of knowing that they are the ones who changed the picture.   They are the reason things are different.  They are sitting alone at home or at the only open restaurant in town because of something they did.  That…..is……heavy.  And in the next post or two, I’m going to address that side of things.  But right now, I want to say that regardless of whether your choices are what caused this to happen or not, we all….yes, ALL of us….have the right to have good lives and better ourselves moving forward. 

That being said, here are some ideas for getting through the holidays when your picture looks different than it used to (and different than everyone else’s):

Make new memories.  The first year my picture looked different, my kiddos and I attended a Christmas Eve service at our new church.  Afterward, we were looking for a place to get some dinner.  We drove around for I don’t even know how long, trying to find somewhere that would be open on Christmas Eve.  The only thing we found was the little Pizza Hut not too far from our house.  We took silly selfies and ate pizza and had a great time together.  Was it different?  Yes.  But that’s what made it special!  It was our memory that we created, just us three.  We did the same thing the following Christmas Eve.  This year, due to our schedule being a little different than usual, we aren’t going to be able to do our Pizza Hut run.  So, we did pizza and a movie at home last night.  We’re making new memories, new traditions.  We’re taking the situation we’ve been given and making something new and special with it, even if it’s just a little silly pizza night right before Christmas day.  You can’t go back and have what you used to have……..but you can make something new that is just as special!

 Reach out.  This Thanksgiving, I did not have my kids and chose not to see my family.  As I said before, I saw several friends last year struggle significantly during that time.  My plan was to open up my home to all of my friends who had no one to spend Thanksgiving with and make a meal for them.  Well…….that didn’t quite pan out (everyone made some sort of plan before I could officially arrange things).  But neither myself nor my boyfriend had our kids, so we spent that day together.  If you can plan things better than I can (which wouldn’t take much effort, I’m sorry to say!), see if there are other friends who don’t have any plans for the holidays.  Invite them over.  Suggest meeting up and doing something fun together.  You’re not intruding.  You’re not being pathetic (so don’t even go there in your mind).  It’s important to stick close to those who know the same kind of pain you do.  You can be a great support system for each other.  Plus, it’s another great way to create new memories this time of year.

Be healthy.  One thing we have to guard against when we’re hurting and alone is becoming self-destructive.  Although it might seem like the only thing you feel like doing, sitting at home alone and drinking yourself into a coma (or eating yourself into a coma) isn’t going to make you feel better in the long run.  Going out and doing the same thing in a public place isn’t going to help either and could also be dangerous.  On New Year’s Day this year, I was struggling for various reasons.  On a whim, I decided to get out of town.  I drove about an hour and a half out to this little country town that has a lot of great hiking trails.  I hiked all the way to an absolutely gorgeous waterfall, all by myself.  I then drove back home and had a lovely dinner at a new restaurant I’d been hearing good things about, all by myself.  I then got together with a couple of friends for an hour or two.  Then I went home, all by myself.  It was a good day, a day I enjoyed mostly by myself. Now, I am someone who usually hates being alone.  I am definitely someone who gets my energy from social interaction.  But when I had no choice, I turned it into a great memory.  Don’t sit at home or in a bar and let the pain consume you.  What do you like to do?  What gives you energy?  What can distract your attention from the hurt?  Do that thing…..as long as it’s healthy.

Reflect on the good.  OK……..no one’s gonna like this one very much.  Honestly, I kinda hate it when I’m ticked off and someone tells me to be grateful for what I have.  I don’t feel like being grateful.  I feel like being pissed!  I want to marinate in what’s bothering me for a while, and I don’t want anyone trying to pull me out of that feeling until I’m good and ready to get out of it on my own.  It’s okay to let the hurt hit, to acknowledge that the situation doesn’t feel good.  But we can’t stay there.  We have to step out of that room of suffering, close the door, and into the room where we look around and notice what’s currently right in our world.  I don’t have any money.  I’m almost 40 and still not married.  I’m a divorced mom with two kids, no babysitters, and no family nearby to help me out.  I could go on and on, but I won’t.  When I walk into the thankful room, I see two awesome kids who are doing great in school this year.  I see the fact that I have had a couple people help me out over the holidays this year just out of the goodness of their hearts.  I see that I have a really amazing person in my life who I couldn’t be more grateful for.  I see that I am in good health.  I see that I have a roof over my head.  I could go on and on about those things too.  We’ll sink into a dark, gross place if we stay in the other room.  Walk out of that and look at all the good you have.  You’ll see it if you choose to look for it.  Sometimes, having that perspective can be the very thing to help you keep your head above water during times like these.

Notice that I did not offer up the ever-popular “volunteer at a soup kitchen” type of suggestion.  Though that is a wonderful thing to do, it’s not a good idea for everyone.  For some, giving of themselves to others helps them forget about their own struggles.  Others, though, just may not have enough to give.  They may be too emotionally depleted.  It can make you feel like a terrible person when you think you “should” be doing volunteer or charity work, but you just can’t find the mental and emotional energy to do so.  If you think it would make you feel better to go out and do something like that, by all means, do it!  Like I said, it is absolutely a great thing to do, if you think you can handle it.  But some who are struggling most significantly may need to be poured into rather than to pour into others.  It’s okay to prioritize self-care right now.  As it’s been said, you can’t pour from an empty cup!

What will you do to make your picture a little brighter this year?  How will you change it?  What kind of new, special memories will you make? 

I do hope that everyone who reads this has a very Merry Christmas!

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!