I suppose I should start with a very belated Happy New Year to anyone reading, as this is actually my first post of 2020!  It’s been a busy, crazy, eventful three months so far.  But here I am, back to sharing my thoughts and reaching out to fellow divorcees, soon-to-be divorcees, friends, acquaintances, strangers….basically anyone who wants to read my random musings, but particularly anyone looking for a new perspective on divorce and relationships.  It’s been good for me to share the things I’ve been learning since July 22, 2017, the day I mustered the courage to drive away from a life of fear into a life of freedom.  If you’ve read anything I’ve posted thus far, I hope it’s been helpful for you as well.

Speaking of this year and the current state of things, I make no big secret on here of the fact that I have been incredibly fortunate to finally find a loving relationship with someone who is truly good to me. If you are not there yet, I am not mentioning this to make you feel bad. I know how difficult it can be to listen to someone go on and on about their amazing relationship when you’re still looking for one and suffering through the pain of being alone. Hang with me, though…..there’s a point to this. So, for the past year and a half, I have been in a great relationship with a wonderful man. It has had its ups and downs, as we have been learning together how to navigate a healthy relationship, how to communicate properly, how to handle conflict in an effective way, how to consistently build trust, and so many other things. Now, not all of the relationships I’ve had in my life have been toxic. But the ones that were generally free of drama were surface-level and short-lived. My former marriage was incredibly unhealthy, filled with fear, control, abuse of every kind, and constant stress. Suffice it to say that although I have certainly had people care for me in my lifetime, I have never felt a love from someone that has been able to break through the solid wall of mistrust that has encapsulated my heart for most of my life. No one’s love has been able to sink in to the point that I actually “felt loved” and felt secure in that love…..until now. This guy listens to me. He cares about me. He does things for me just because he wants to. He’s interested in how my day went and what I think about. He’s patient with me when I make mistakes and bears with all my silly quirks and goofy ways I can sometimes have. He supports me and encourages me and builds me up, but also tells me the tough truth in a loving way when I need to hear it. He respects me in every way and has earned my trust more than anyone in my whole life ever has. Though I had to wait a long time to finally find him, he was certainly worth it!

It’s been interesting to me the reaction I’ve gotten from different people when I speak about my relationship.  For too many years (almost two decades), I had to listen to so many people go on about how wonderful their partner was.  Even when I would be in a group of women who were complaining a bit about their spouses, they would always come back around to how grateful they were for their men.  I could never participate.  I couldn’t brag.  All I could think about was how they didn’t like these little idiosyncrasies their guys had or how the men were giving them a fit in some certain area of life…….none of them had any idea that I was afraid to go back home.  They didn’t know what it felt like to be screamed at or grabbed or pushed or some of the other things that happened to me often.  Now that I am finally being treated like a valuable human being by someone who loves me, I wanna tell the world (well, minus my ex, of course)!  Like I said, though……..it’s been interesting.  When I share these things with people who have only ever been married to their true loves, their “soulmates,” I’ve frequently gotten this odd, blank look with the response, “You realize that’s how people are supposed to treat people, right?”  I mean, I guess I do now, but that doesn’t make it any less thrilling and wonderful to me.

 Listen, I’m not upset by that response.  I know what they mean.  I think (at least, I hope) they’re trying to make the point that what happened to me before is not normal.  Being treated respectfully and lovingly is normal for a healthy relationship.  I get that.  But for me, after having been through the hell that was my marriage (and that is only half of my life story), having someone who is good to me like this is something so amazing that I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.  So, even though I’d love for more people to share my excitement, I get that most people I talk to are in good relationships and don’t understand how it feels to experience the extreme that I did.  But I guess that’s my point in saying all of this…….When you’ve never had someone be good to you, when what you’re used to is fear and criticism and abuse, when you’re not used to being respected and cherished and loved, it feels like the greatest gift in the whole world to finally receive that from someone.  So, I guess for me, “normal” is the best thing I’ve ever felt.  My guy is my superhero!

Right now, my mind is on what we’re used to and how we respond when we find ourselves in a situation that isn’t our norm.  In my case, as far as relationships go, I was used to something terrible.  Therefore, something really good feels 100 times better to me than it might to someone who’s used to being treated well (that, of course, being my own humble opinion).  It has me thinking a lot about the craziness that is going on in our world right now.  This post is going to be a little bit backward in the sense that, whereas I typically begin with a thought and tie it into the subject of relationships, I’m beginning with relationships and painting that idea into a broader picture. 

At this moment, our world has definitely had its feet kicked out from under it. We are all having to adjust to a life that most of us don’t recognize. Unless it’s absolutely necessary, we can’t leave our homes. We can’t go and hang out with our friends after work. We can’t go post up at a bar and grab drinks and chat about the day. We can’t go out to dinner at our favorite restaurants or meet up with a friend at the local coffee shop. We can’t even go work out at the gym! We get to go to work (IF we’re still working), to the grocery store or whatever other store we absolutely need to go to for essentials, maybe the gas station if necessary, and home. That’s IT. Maybe some of us live in places where we can at least get out and take a walk or go up to the mountains and enjoy nature. But as far as spending lots of time with friends and family………we can’t have that right now. If you take the time, it can really make you think……….

I miss being in a noisy place, surrounded by a sea of different voices, the occasional robust laughter, music in the background, people shuffling in and out of the room, chairs being scooted across the floor here and there, hearing “Heeeeeey, haven’t seen you in forever!  How’ve you been?” or “Ok, y’all have a good night and take care!”  I miss striking up conversations with strangers and seeing that faint grin on their faces and that spark ignite in their eyes when you know you’re starting to make a connection with them.  I miss being loud and silly with people whom I like spending time with.   I miss meeting up with friends for coffee.  I miss going into the gym and working out, there with a bunch of other people who are committed to taking care of themselves as well.  I miss getting up in front of grateful groups of people and singing with my sweetheart (we sing together).  I miss “having to” wake up early and take my kids to school.  I miss “having to” go to the grocery store (now, I strategically go when I’m able and it feels great to be able to do so at all!).  I miss trying to decide what to wear based on the ever-changing weather (because I’m likely not going anywhere on any given day right now).  Hell, I even miss the ever-changing weather!  I miss sitting in traffic, wishing people would hurry up and move down the road already.  I miss taking forever trying to decide with my kids where we’re going to go for lunch or dinner on the weekends.  I miss going to church with my kiddos on Sunday mornings.  I miss what I have come to know as “life,” as “normal.”  I miss the good, the bad, and the ugly of it.  I want it back.

Isn’t it interesting how much we can appreciate “normal” things when they’re taken away from us?  As a law-abiding road-rager (….. 😊 ), people who do not drive…..well, “correctly,” in my book, get on my very last nerve.  But right now, I’d give anything to be sitting in traffic about 9 hours from now, because it would mean that I was going somewhere, out and about in society where I love to be (remind me I said this when “normal” truly does return!).  I’d love it if I had to set my alarm and wake up at dark thirty in the morning to pack up my kiddos for school and make that drive……not because I want them out of my house, but because it would mean they would get to see their friends.  And even though I am not a gym rat by any means, it would be fantastic if tomorrow, I could go into the gym, chat with the staff there, and work my butt off for a good while and walk out feeling accomplished.  That day’s not coming anytime really soon, though. 

When this awful COVID-19 crisis is on its way outta here and we start to venture back out and resume our “normal” lives, I really hope we don’t forget what this felt like.  I hope we remember how it felt to be cut off from our loved ones, to not be able to come and go and do as we pleased.  I hope we remember when we were worried about how we were going to feed our families and about whether or not we were going to have a job when all this was over with.  I hope we remember the doctors and nurses and grocery store employees and local business owners who helped us get through this crazy mess and that when we do, we’re filled with so much gratitude that we’ll never get over it.  I hope we remember how things as simple as toilet paper and soap, things every household is “supposed” to have on a regular basis, were such prized commodities that we counted ourselves fortunate to find even a small amount of them.  I hope we never forget when our “normal” got taken from us and that we proceed forward in life with more thankful hearts and a greater appreciation for the people around us, for the freedom that we enjoy in our daily lives, for the simple things we sometimes complain about but have the opportunity to do if we want to.  And I hope we never forget the thousands of people in our world who sadly did not make it back to “normal” with us.  Maybe when we return to it, our normal will feel 100 times better than it did before.

The saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” really does ring true right now.  I feel compelled to be more thankful than ever for the good things and good people in my life.  We never know when they may not be there.  I hope and pray this terrible time passes quickly and that those of us who survive it can go out and do life together again very soon.  And when we do, I hope we do it with more kindness and gratitude than ever, now that we know how wonderful and amazing “normal” really is.

Hang in there.  Be safe and keep others safe.  We’ll hopefully see each other soon!

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together.