Well HELLO!! I have been absent from this blog for quite some time. Since the catastrophe that was COVID-19 (yes, I know we’re still struggling with it, but it’s thankfully much better than it was), so many major things have happened in my life. I got a new job, got married, and moved into a new home…..that’s A LOT. If you’re reading this, I hope you are happy, healthy, and doing well. I’d been wondering what to write about to get back into the swing of things on here when an interesting thought occurred to me the other day that I wanted to share. It’s not about divorce, but it does have to do with relationships.

For the longest time, as an adult, I have longed for friendships. Don’t get me wrong, I have had and currently have plenty of people in my life whom I consider to be friends of mine. But I’ve wished for that tribe, that group. I’ve had dreams of my own version of a Brat Pack movie from the ‘80’s, my own band of misfits where the relationships are close enough to be randomly interchangeable, where we’re a part of each other’s lives and go through everything together, good and bad. After divorce, the need for these relationships was especially intense. I was also longing for the right person to spend my life with, my true love. Of the two, I thought the friend group would be the easier find and that the soulmate would take forever, if it even happened at all. I never would have guessed that I’d be nearing four years in a relationship with my now husband and still not be living in those “friendship goals” I had my heart set on.

I’ve often wondered why this is. I am a people person by nature. I remember having “friend groups,“ both as a younger kid and as a young adult. But when I entered into the coma that was my abusive marriage, it’s like I was frozen in time for 15 years. When I thawed out at the age of 37 with two kids, true and meaningful adult friendships were very hard to forge. I’ve had great relationships with random people I’ve met while out and about and awesome connections with my co-workers, still do. But I never found that “tribe” I was hoping for.

There have been so many moments when I’ve looked at people’s social media accounts (I know, bad idea…) and seen their various outings and excursions and wondered why I don’t have that. If no one liked me, if I didn’t treat the people in my life very well, if I had horrible social skills, it would make more sense. But I can say with confidence that none of those things are true of me. So, it has left me feeling alone, feeling like I’m broken. People seem to like me, but I’m in no one’s “circle.” Why?

The other day, I had a thought that may possibly change my perspective. I mean….we’ll see. I literally just had this thought, so who knows…

I thought to myself….people DO like me. I’ve established some very meaningful bonds with multiple people in my little corner of the world. We may not take a billion pictures together or go on road trips or text incessantly. In some cases, I may never see them in person. My interactions with some friends of mine are primarily online (some not most, and yes, I know the online friends personally). So, compared to what we typically think of in terms of friend groups, mine may be a bit unorthodox, as is most everything else in my life. But these people mean a great deal to me, and I like to believe I mean the same to them. They may have traditional rendezvous with other people, but with me…..well, it seems that we’re just there for each other on a consistent basis, to make each other’s lives richer and more colorful and interesting. So, maybe I do have my “tribe,” even though it doesn’t look quite like I expected it to.

When I really think about it, I enjoy a decent amount of alone time. Now, I would be dangerously depressed if I were alone all the time, even the vast majority of the time. But maybe, I’ve supposed of late, I don’t need or want the constant interaction. Perhaps I don’t require all the photos or nights out or parties or whatever else it is that everyone does. Maybe I don’t need to “network” so much. Maybe I’m more happy being alone with myself than I realized, which for me is a step up from being terrified of being alone several years ago.

So, aside from the obvious lesson that we need not compare ourselves to others, and aside from the fact that I’d still appreciate maybe one or two really good friends to go out and do things with from time to time, I think I’ve learned that the things society tells us we have to have are not necessarily mandatory for us to achieve contentment. When I thought about all the people who are a part of my life, a picture came into my mind….

I thought about how when I was a kid and we went to the beach, sometimes the tide would roll up on the shore and then retreat to reveal beautiful, colorful things; pieces of shells and various stones and rocks that we’d never have known were there if the tide hadn’t brought them up for us to see. And I thought to myself that at the end of my life, if anyone has the opportunity to roll back my world and see who was actually in there – the friends from my childhood who I still communicate with, present and former co-workers, the random amazing humans I’ve just met while out and about or through mutual acquaintances – they’ll see all the wonderful, unique, different, lovely people they never knew were there but whom I enjoyed knowing. They make my life better, even if I don’t saturate my social media accounts with pictures of our times together, the best of which are personal and heartfelt and can’t be captured by any sort of camera anyway.

So, maybe I’m more comfortable with the way things are than I previously thought I was. Maybe, just like everything else in my life, doing things differently than the rest of the world is the best way for me to go. Maybe I AM doing life with these people, just not in the way I thought I would. These are “deconstructed friendships,” where we love our interactions and are always happy to see each other, but we don’t have to be together all the time. And I think I’m satisfied with that.

Is there something in your life that you’ve been looking for but may actually already have? Are there things you’ve been wishing for that are hiding underneath all your worry? Are your expectations robbing you of contentment and gratitude? At the risk of breaking the poetic ramblings here, I know life can legit suck sometimes and that we absolutely have a reason to hope for better things in certain areas. But let’s not miss the good stuff because we’re expecting a different picture than the one we see every day.

I am strong. You are strong. Let’s do this together.