I used to work with adolescents in a behavioral health facility.  Weekly, I would conduct learning groups on a variety of topics, one being anger management.  We used to tell the kids that losing control of your anger was like shaking up a soda can.  The more you shake it up, the more the pressure inside the can builds until, when you finally pop the tab, everything just explodes and goes everywhere because of all that pressure that has been mounting.  We encouraged the kids to constructively deal with their anger rather than hold it in, hopefully thereby avoiding an explosion.

When we get divorced, sometimes we have an “explosion” afterward.  We don’t intend to.  I don’t think anyone in a reasonably sane state of mind says to themselves, “YES!  I can’t wait until I’m divorced so I can go out and destroy my life with gusto!”  No, it doesn’t quite work that way.  From an outsider’s perspective, it appears that we divorcees are a bunch of sickos who couldn’t wait to get divorced so we could go out and hook up, get drunk on the regular, and engage in all sorts of other outlandish behaviors.  But what the uninformed world is seeing as calculated, deliberate life choices is really one big explosion brought on by finally “popping the tab” (getting divorced, separated, filing for divorce, etc).  This is what I call “The Flip Out.”

Here is my very own definition of this phenomenon….

“The Flip Out:”  n.  A block of time following divorce in which the divorced or divorcing individual feels overwhelmingly compelled to saturate their choices in behaviors they would not normally engage in, many of which are self-destructive (excessive alcohol use/alcohol abuse or abuse of other substances, promiscuity, attention-seeking behaviors, suicidal ideations and/or behaviors, major depressive episodes, possible changes to personality or long-held belief systems, etc.); can last for a few months to a few years; can have positive or negative effects on the individual depending on the behaviors involved, often a mix of both positive and negative; individual experiences and results vary

So, what did my flip out look like?  For starters I was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian home for 18 years.   I never understood why certain things were off limits.  Basically, I missed out on experiencing my place in time in the history of our world because my paranoid parents shielded me from my culture.  I had a couple years in college when I stared to kind of get acclimated to real life before my now ex-husband showed up on the scene.  He stared exhibiting anger issues and controlling behavior early on.  So, for the next 17 years, 15 of which made up a marriage, I was in a choke hold once again.  Once I finally broke free from him, I…needless to say….had a lot of anger and a desire to just rebel hardcore against anyone who had ever shoved me down and said, “No.  Don’t.  Stop.  You can’t.  Against the rules.  You’re not allowed.  That’s wrong.  That’s dangerous.   That’s a sin.  Don’t listen.  Don’t watch.  Don’t wear.  Don’t go.  Don’t do.  Don’t think, feel, or believe that.”  I just wanted to do what I wanted to do, including doing some things simply because I wasn’t “supposed to.”  And so, I did.  I binge drank.  I slept around.  I went wild and crazy.  I’m not saying I had an excuse to do it, but I am saying that I had a reason.

I know other people who have come from similar situations to mine.  Though the details may be different, the larger picture is the same………we feel like we have been restricted and smothered for so long that a compelling need arises to just run as far away as possible from what we know.  Isn’t it funny how divorce can literally make your whole life flash before your eyes?  Your childhood as well as your marriage history just jumps right in your face and forces you to stare at it until it makes sense, even if it never fully does.  Interesting…….

Now, about that Flip Out…………different people do it in different ways.  Some people may fall into major depression.  They may isolate, not want to do anything that they normally enjoy, and may even have suicidal ideations (thinking about suicide and maybe even how you would carry it out if you could).  Some may pour themselves into work and extracurricular activities to the point of exhaustion in an attempt to distract themselves from dealing with their pain.  However, most of us flip out on the wild side.  We go out as often as we can, have lots of hook ups, abuse alcohol and maybe other substances, do things in public places we normally would not do (we don’t need to talk about my bar top dancing moments!), blow money we don’t really have to spare, and generally just do not care what the consequences are as long as we are satisfying our need to buck all the people who made our whole lives one big “NO.”  That could even include your spouse, even if they weren’t controlling.  If you’re in a committed relationship, you naturally have to say “no” to several things out of respect for your partner.  If that relationship doesn’t work out in the long run and you find yourself essentially a “free agent” one day, it is natural to want to take full advantage of that status after having been restricted for years at a time.  Most of it, though, is a coping mechanism for the pain we’re going through. The important thing to understand in this part of the discussion is that The Flip Out is normal.  It’s natural.  It looks bad, but it’s just a part of the healing process.  It doesn’t mean it’s a wise idea to go out and do things that legitimately may harm us or someone else.  But it does mean that this reaction to divorce is quite common and understandable. 

Again, what we’ve been through is not an excuse for our respective Flip Out actions, but it is a reason.  Excuses seek justification (“What I did is okay and acceptable because…….”), while reasons provide explanation (“What I did may or may not be right, but here’s where it came from….”).  Excuses place blame (“I have a right to do this because ______ did ______ to me”), whereas reasons accept responsibility (“I made this choice on my own.  It might not have been a good choice, but this is what led me to do it…..”).  Excuses come from an immature mindset (“I have a right to do this, and everyone can just get over it and deal with it!”), while reasons come from a mature mindset (“Though my actions come from a legitimate place of pain, I acknowledge that my choices may not be acceptable.”)  It’s important to know the difference between the two, not only to keep a check on where your mind is during this time, but to also be able to combat judgmental comments from people who couldn’t possibly understand what you’re going through.

So, how long does this Flip Out last?  Well, it just depends on the person.  Taking from my own experience and that of those closest to me who have also been through this, it seems like it has phases to it.  The first part is the worst part.  It’s when your feelings are all over the place and you basically just don’t know what to do with yourself.  You’re angry, so you want to act out.  You’re hurt, so you want to dull the pain.  You’re lonely, so you want to alleviate that, even if it’s very temporary and meaningless.  This is when you make some of your most shocking choices.  My worst stretch of time lasted a little over a year, culminating in my throwing six whole cooked chickens at a man and being too drunk to remember doing so, among other crazy shenanigans.  Ummm…….yeah (so, that kinda sobered me up just a smidge, I’d say…..I’m slightly more responsible these days!).  I would say, from what I’ve heard from others, the wildest phase of this thing lasts maybe about a year or two.  Now…..I will say this:  anyone can get stuck in the most intense part of the Flip Out if you choose to, which would be incredibly tragic.  That’s why it’s important to see it as a phase, not the rest of your life.  This is not the path you’re destined to go down.  It’s just where you are right now.  Let it run its course.  The Flip Out is REAL. But it’s okay. And you’re going to be okay.

Listen….I’m certainly not encouraging anyone to go out there and do legit stupid things.  We do have to take care of ourselves.  There were times when I could have died because I drove while drunk off my butt.  I have no idea how I made it home safely some nights. There were places I went and things I did that put me in positions to be taken advantage of so very easily. I have friends who have been in similar situations.  We’ve called each other after a bad night.  We’ve even had some bad nights together.  This divorce thing is just not easy at all.  But sometimes, we may reach points where we do things we never dreamed we would ever do because our pain outweighs our logic.  It is normal. There are reasons for this. Don’t condemn yourself for what’s happening right now.  Though some of it may not be healthy or safe, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

So, what do you “excuse” and what do you monitor?  I understand……when you’re going through the Flip Out, everything is so confusing.  It’s a challenge to know what to file under the category of “this is me just finally having fun and letting loose” and what to recognize as “I’m going off the rails a bit and may need to dial it back.”  I think it requires being willing to take a really good look at what you’re doing and evaluate what each behavior is bringing to your life.  To be honest, you *need* a bit of a release!  Divorce sucks beyond belief, no doubt.  It’s good and healthy, in my opinion, to get out there and live a little.  However, as I have learned the semi-hard way (could have been worse), our struggle can inspire us to take it too far at times.  Here is my ruler for figuring out what I need to cut out of my life:  If it is truly potentially harmful to you or someone else, you need to stop it. And example would be this:  If you wanna go out and have a few drinks, do it.  If it involves you getting plastered and potentially killing yourself trying to drive home, possibly putting other people on the road in danger, knock it off.  Doesn’t mean you can’t drink, just means you need to be responsible.  But if it happens every single time, alcohol may not be right for you just because of the danger it poses.  I use alcohol as an example because it has been my personal drug of choice. However, yours may be something else (sex, spending, etc.). The point, though, is to back off of or cut out anything that is bringing you more harm than good.

***PSA ALERT:  Not everyone can handle their alcohol.  Sometimes, it causes people to be violent or incredibly self-destructive on a regular basis .  Alcoholism can also be related to genetics; so, it’s important to take a look at your family history.  If you cannot drink without getting drunk, “need” to have it every single day, or turn into someone you really don’t like when you consume it, please consider sobriety along with recovery programs.  You ARE ***NOT*** a bad person.  Alcohol just may not be the thing for you.  Don’t do it if it is going to cause you more harm than good. It’s not worth it.

I just want to let you know that the Flip Out is normal.  At first, I thought it was just me.  I have always had that rebel streak in me, and so naturally thought that I was just living that out in the worst of ways.  But when I started hearing about others in my situation (divorce) doing the same things, I realized that it wasn’t just a ME thing, it was a DIVORCE thing.  Be safe, but cut yourself some slack.  It’s gonna get better.  It’s gonna be okay.

So, I said earlier that the Flip Out goes through phases.  Again, I am  really mostly pulling from my own experience.  My Flipping seems to have subsided a bit when I’ve gotten into relationships that made me feel a bit secure.  I am most definitely going to put up a post about relationships after divorce, hopefully sooner than later.  Believe you me……it is a reality you have never in your life experienced before!  But after the worst of the Flip, when you somewhat “purge your angst” a bit with all that intense behavior, you just kind of enter into this…..weird zone.  You’re not compelled to go flip out and be destructive, but you don’t want to sit home and knit and watch The Waltons…..know what I mean?  You’re just in this neutral zone where it could go either way, depending on what happens.  Relationships do tend to buffer it a bit.  But beware!  When each relationship ends, each time that heartbreak happens, you might end up in the bad zone again.  It’s okay…….just don’t hurt yourself.  Know your worth.  Lean on your friends and loved ones.  Take care of your mental and physical health.  It hurts, but you have so much more life ahead of you.  I swear to it. 

Eventually, you may get to the point where you’re strong enough to handle heartbreak without melting down. Don’t expect yourself to get there overnight, though. It takes time and operates on a different time table for each individual. Heal naturally. It does get better.

So, with that said, I feel the need to jump in here and touch on the subject of people on the outside trying to help you with your Flip Out moment…….

If someone experiencing divorce comes to you and seeks your help, comfort, encouragement,  or support during divorce but they are coping with it by some shocking methods, here is my advice for you…… 

YOU ARE NOT PERFECT: This person does not have the advantage of knowing the most unsavory aspects of your lifestyle, but they have let you into theirs.  If someone comes to you for help, please give it in a gracious way.  Judgement is not needed right now.  Love and support is essential.

YOU DON’T GET IT:  Keep in mind that you’ve never been through this yourself.  Before you judge someone else’s behavior, keep the following in mind…….Their life has been literally turned upside down.  Divorce is trauma.  If you haven’t been through it, you simply do.  not.  get.   it.  You have no idea what you would do if it happened to you.  Most of these people could never have predicted how they would react after divorce.  Be gracious.  Don’t judge what you don’t understand.

SEE PAST THE BEHAVIOR TO THE PAIN:  Maybe this is just me, but I believe what you do and who you are to be independent of one another.  If someone is having struggles balancing out their alcohol use, that doesn’t automatically mean that they’re an alcoholic.  If someone is sleeping around (there could be various reasons why, not just what you assume), that doesn’t mean that they’re a whore or a slut.  Be kind.  Listen to someone’s story.  Be empathetic, if you’re able.  You might just learn something.  And never, EVER think you’re better than someone else.  Again….you’ve no way of knowing what you would do if it happened to you (trust me).

I really wanted to post this for two reasons.  One was to encourage people who are going through divorce and may be in a crazy time. I just want to let you know that you are, in fact, NOT CRAZY.  You are a normal person processing trauma in a totally understandable way.  However, just PLEASE keep yourself and others safe (I care about you!).

The other reason was to tell people not to judge.  When I embarked on the divorce journey, one thing I heard early on is that you will find out who your true friends are when you decide to get divorced.  I have found that to be true, but not in the way I expected.  Internet articles will make it sound like people will judge you for the act of divorce.  Not so.  I think people judge you MUCH more for the way you process it in the aftermath.  I can’t really stress that enough.  I had lifelong friendships that have been significantly altered because my happily married friends can’t understand why I intermittently go through hell during this journey.  I heard from one person, “As a functional adult,  I…..”  as if I’m not a “functional adult.”  Ignore such people.  I also heard, “I don’t make choices like you do!”  Well, of course you don’t!  You have never been in my shoes.  If you went through this, you might be out on the street strung out on crack and selling your body for a cheeseburger for all you know!  Point is this:  people can encourage you to be safe and speak truth to you in a loving way, but they are not welcome to look down on you.  If you are going through the flip out, disregard such ignorance and listen to those who really care about you.

I know this is hard. It’s okay.  It’s not meant to be easy.  Life is not easy.  But you known what?  The hard times are where we learn and grow.  Yeah, it completely sucks when you’re going through it.  But for every horrible event, for every broken relationship, for ever crack in your already smashed heart………when those wounds begin to heal up, you get so much stronger.  Remember………now, it is about you.  You are the key player in this game now.  Take care of yourself.  You might flip out.  You might make some bad choices here and there.  That doesn’t make you a bad person, not at all.  At some point, though, take that deep breath……..get in touch with what an amazing, worthy person you are……..and move forward.  You can do this.  It’s just a phase.  There is something so much greater beyond The Flip Out.

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!

Before I had children, I used to cringe every time I heard a child throwing a tantrum in a public place (we call it “showing out” or “pitching a fit” here in the South).  With every high pitched scream, my blood would boil and my senses would become heightened as I just wanted to go up to the mother and yell, “Would you please, for the love of God Almighty, escort your unruly brat out of this store before we all lose our minds?!”  I would think to myself, “I would never let my child act that way in public!”  And then……….I had kids of my own, and my judgmental mindset returned to bite me squarely in the rear end.  These days, when I see a child falling to pieces while I’m out and about, regardless of whether the mom is actively trying to remedy the situation or if she has basically resigned herself to the inevitability of it, I just walk on, hoping that mom’s day improves greatly.  Why?  Because now, I get it.

When faced with circumstances we haven’t personally experienced, we’re not really in a position to make judgments on how another person handles it.  Sure, it sounds great on paper to make a sensible plan to ensure that your little angel behaves in a perfectly appropriate fashion in the presence of the general public.  However, when your toddler decided to skip a nap, is hungry, keeps dropping their favorite stuffed buddy (like, fifty freaking times in one grocery run), wants your phone so bad they can taste it (because that’s actually want they want to do with it…..taste it), throws a fit for every single toy their little eyes behold, and basically refuses every attempt you make to keep them in good spirits, you realize just how little you understood about kids before you actually had one.  

The same is true when it comes to divorce.  Someone may say, “Well……I would never let a man raise a hand to me.  I can’t believe she put up with that for so long!” Or they may say something like, “How could she not know he was cheating on her?  How stupid can you be?”  They could even smugly say, “Well, you know….marriage is forever, not ‘til you get tired of trying.  I can’t believe they didn’t try harder to make things work!”  In reality, though, we never know what someone is going through unless we’ve been there ourselves.  When we make judgment calls with no experience from which to construct our sage advice to others, we are showcasing our ignorance and running the risk of hurting rather than helping our friends who are going through possibly the worst time of their lives.   

With that all being said, I felt that maybe we divorcees could use a time of bonding, I suppose, over some of these “wise words” we’ve heard along this crazy divorce journey.  This isn’t to bash the people making the comments.  As you probably know, some people really do mean well but simply do not understand.  Others, however, can be quite judgmental.  In either case, though, this isn’t to bash, but to confirm to each other that these comments are just not helpful.  My hope, though, is that someone wondering what to say to a friend or loved one going through divorce will read this and avoid making some of these statements!

So, for all who would wish to “help” us…………

DON’T SAY THIS STUFF!  IT’S NOT HELPFUL.

To my fellow divorcees:  These comments fall under the “well meaning but ignorant” category, in my opinion.  The people who say these things to you are really trying to help.  They’re in your corner.  But because they haven’t been through your situation, or perhaps they have but processed it differently than you are processing it, they just don’t know the right words to say.

“Find a hobby.”  Seriously?  Seriously….I heard this one from multiple people.  Listen…..hobbies are great.  After a few months, I found some myself.  But when we’re in the thick of things with divorce, feeling completely turned around and heartbroken, I hardly think gardening or stamp collecting or whatever the hell else we could occupy our time with is going to take the place of losing the loves of our lives, our families, our homes, our peace of mind, or whatever else was lost along with our marriages.  Though it’s a nice thought, it feels like you’re suggesting something akin to putting a child-sized band-aid on a life-threatening injury.      

“Enjoy this time alone/Take this time for you.”  Here’s the problem with this statement: we’ve just experienced a loss.  The fact that we’re alone is the very reason why we feel like complete crap at the moment.  For those of us who are still in love with our exes, the reality that we are profoundly alone now is more painful than you can imagine.  For those of us who are not, we basically just went from one bad situation to another.  Depending on our respective situations, we may have just come out of a marriage in which we essentially felt alone the entire time.  This “alone time” does not feel like a blessing, no matter how many ways you phrase it to try and make it sound that way.

 “Get to know yourself.”  There is a smidgen of truth here.  It is important to rediscover yourself after divorce.  Sometimes in marriage, we can become so focused on the needs of our spouses that we forget to stay in touch with who we are and what we need.  However, I started to put this one in the next category (the judgmental comments), because it assumes that our marriages defined us to the point that we must not even know who we are now.  Can that be true?  Sure.  Is it a given?  Not at all.  Some of us are very self-aware, despite what we’ve been through.  Some of us know ourselves quite well, which is what helped us to know that we needed to get out of a toxic relationship or that we deserve better moving forward.  Don’t assume that we’re ignorant of our own identities.  Although this isn’t the worst piece of advice someone can give, it’s not really the best either.

Anything disparaging about someone’s ex.  When I first started the divorce process, one thing that made me more angry than anything was family and friends making harsh comments about my soon-to-be ex-husband…….and I was coming out of an abusive marriage!  Something people don’t realize is that no matter the circumstances, divorce hurts everyone.  Even if the person leaving had a really good reason to do so, he or she is likely not skipping away with glee.  The decision to end a marriage can be extremely difficult to make.  Remember – we married our exes for a reason.  The good things, those admiral qualities that made us fall in love with them, are also included in what we’re leaving behind.  We’re not just walking away from the bad parts, but from all of the parts we loved as well.  It won’t make us feel supported or validated if you bash our exes, because in doing so, you’re also bashing the people we once loved enough to spend the rest of our lives with.  If anything negative is said about the ex, let it come from us, not from you.

“Why don’t you volunteer at…….?”  NO.  Bad timing. Look, I get the concept of this.  The theory is that by helping others, we will feel fulfilled in some way while simultaneously distracting our minds from our own problems.  But sometimes, a person simply has nothing to give to anyone else at the moment.  When I was still talking to lawyers, signing papers, and negotiating the particulars of my new reality, I was pretty much emotionally spent.  I didn’t have any “juice” left.  Although I am usually someone who loves to help other people, I just had nothing to give at that point in time.  For once, I needed someone to give to me.  I needed to be the one on the receiving end of someone else’s kindness.  Divorce will drain a person.  This isn’t a case of someone having a pity party and not looking at the bright side of life.  This isn’t good material for a story straight out of Chicken Soup For the Soul.  This is the ugly, nasty, depressing part of life that is probably not going to wrap up nicely and quickly like a Hallmark movie.  In fact, helping others might not be the best thing for some of us when we’re first going through this.  We need time to take a breath and digest what’s happening in our lives and pursue some sort of personal healing before we can begin to pour our energies into other people again.

“You’re so beautiful/handsome/smart, you will have someone new in no time!”  This is a nice thought.  It’s also very flattering.  We’re glad that you think we’re such a catch.  But honestly, the adult single scene out there is a crazy one!  We’re not just going to walk out there tomorrow and run into Mr. or Miss Right (again, life isn’t a Hallmark movie).  Be careful making comments like this.  We are very vulnerable during and after divorce.  For some of us, dating is the furthest thing from our minds.  We don’t want you to even talk about the idea of us getting involved with someone else right now.  Others of us may be dealing with a deep longing to find a healthy relationship once and for all.  Don’t give us false hopes that we are so great that we will find someone “in no time.”  Truthfully, the search for the right person can take a while and often be very discouraging.  Encourage us, build us up, tell us we’re worthy and deserving of love…….all good things.  But don’t make it seem like finding the right person is either what we need to be pursuing or is something that’s going to be a piece of cake.

DON’T SAY THIS STUFF EITHER!  IT’S LEGITIMATELY JUDGMENTAL.

To my fellow divorcees:  This stuff kinda sucks.  Whether or not the people who say it mean well (most of them, strangely enough, do), it is not to be taken to heart.  Do not let comments like this mess with your mind or get you down.  You know your situation better than anyone else.  Let it roll off your back and keep moving forward!  Again, they just don’t get it.

“You don’t need another relationship right now.”  This isn’t really your call to make.  I understand that a person needs time to heal, time to grieve, and time to rediscover himself or herself after divorce.  However, people have different ways of doing those things.  For one person, having someone special in her life may help her heal and learn new things about herself.  For another, more time may be needed for self-reflection.  In either case, it is up to that individual, not you, to know what they need in that moment.  Even if it doesn’t make sense to you, you can’t tell us when it’s appropriate for us to start dating again.  Also, you may not understand the situation your friend just came out of.  Some of us are coming out of marriages where we were quite unfulfilled and out of love for a long time before it finally ended.  Although healing is required, we may be more ready to pursue a loving relationship than someone who, for example, is still reeling from being unexpectedly served divorce papers. Don’t tell us when we’re ready to move on when you don’t know where we’ve been or how we feel

“God’s love is all you need/You don’t need someone else/Your happiness does not lie in another person, etc.”  At some point, I hope to dedicate an entire post to the relationship between divorce and the church.  For now, though, I will give my massively abridged version of a response to this one.  First of all, God’s love is amazing and definitely the greatest love that exists.  That doesn’t mean that we can’t have a legitimate longing for any other form of love and feel empty if we don’t receive that. God Himself created us to “need” each other, including specific needs for romantic love (more on that later).  Secondly, the fact that it is completely possible to live a joyful life without a romantic partner does not invalidate a need or a desire for one.  I can make it if I have to live in the woods and survive on wild berries and squirrels.  Am I wrong for not particularly wanting to?  No.  We might want to think about re-evaluating our definition of the word “need.”  When you say this, you’re basically insinuating that unless someone is content and pleased to live a life in which significant desires of his heart go unfulfilled, desires that God Himself put there, then he must not love God, must have idols in his life, or must just not be a very good Christian in general.  Don’t do that, especially if you yourself are currently enjoying a loving, Godly marriage.

There is definitely more to come from me on this subject.

Calling divorce a sin or deciding whether or not we have Biblical grounds for it.  I know what the Bible has to say about divorce – which, honestly, is not much.  Listen, I do not claim to be some sort of great theologian.  But I do know that no matter what specific criteria the Bible may lay out for divorce to be approved in the eyes of God, the fact remains that you do not know what a person may be going through behind closed doors.  It’s easy to pull out the Bible and condemn someone based on some sort of Scriptural technicality when you don’t have to live that person’s life.  You may say, “Well, they should have thought about what they were getting into before they got married, because marriage is forever!” Easy to say if yours is great.  By the way – how do you know they didn’t think about what they were getting into?  And as long as we’re using the Bible, where does it say that abuse is grounds for divorce?  As far as I know, it doesn’t, yet most people are quick to accept it as a good reason to leave a marriage (which it absolutely is, by the way).  So, just how specific do we want to get when it comes to which divorces God will accept?  I agree that you don’t treat marriage like chewing gum.  You don’t just casually throw it away when it’s lost its flavor and reach for a fresh piece (no pun intended…).  But what may look like that to you on the surface is very likely a much more complex situation that you know absolutely nothing about.  Let God do the judging, and you just do the loving.

Again, more on this later.

“How could you let this happen/How could you not see the signs, etc”  It is sometimes easier to see what’s truly happening in a situation when you’re not directly a part of it yourself.  Love can blind us to certain things that our friends and family can see clearly.  Keep in mind that particularly for those in especially toxic relationships, our vision is a bit blurry.  Fear of retaliation if we leave, fear of being alone if we end the marriage, love for our spouse regardless of what they did to us, concerns about our children, and many other things may cause us not to see things as bluntly as you do.  This type of comment is often uttered in cases of abuse, infidelity, or some other shocking act.  Let’s be clear……..no one “lets” someone abuse them.  In an abusive relationship, the victim’s power is taken away from them.  It’s not that they are “letting” someone do this to them, but that they do not know how to stop it from happening.  It’s not as simple as just walking away (again, another post for another time).  In the case of cheating, the signs may not always be obvious.  People can be very clever about hiding things.  Sometimes, people want to believe that things will get better.  When an abuser or a cheater says, “I’m so sorry, baby.  You deserve so much better than this.  I will never hurt you that way again, I swear,” we want to believe it could be true.  We want to hope that maybe love can overcome what’s been done.  The victims in these situations are not stupid.  Never, ever blame a victim of abuse or infidelity for what’s been done to them.

Suck it up, Buttercup!  I would sincerely hope that no one out there would actually believe that this is something you should say to someone going through divorce, loss of a loved one, serious financial issues, depression, or even a freaking bad day.  This is just a straight-up insensitive comment.  The fact that someone would come to you during the life-altering, soul crushing struggle that is divorce only to have you tell him or her to “get over it” or “suck it up” or “man up” whatever you might say is just……well, quite frankly, I just don’t know what to say about it other than DON’T SAY THAT.  It is really one of the most cruel things you can say.  And do not have the arrogance to believe that it is cruel in the sense that your “truth bomb hurts” us.  It’s not you bringing truth……it’s you being a jerk.  Don’t do it.

So, now that we’ve gone through all the many, many things NOT to say to us divorcees, let’s end with some suggestions of what someone could say that would actually help.

TRY SAYING THIS.  IT MIGHT HELP!

Nothing.  Honestly, sometimes the solution is to listen more than you talk (imagine that!).  Just be there and let the person vent to you.  We all need that sometimes.

“Tell me your story.”  This is probably one of the best things you can say, in my opinion.  I do recognize that not everyone may be ready to share his or her story right off the bat. That’s why I have heard the question presented to me many times as, “If you don’t mind my asking, what happened?”  I’ve always appreciated that.  It is a respectful way to open the door for someone to share their struggle with you.  Let us know that you’re interested in what happened as told from our perspective.  That lets us know that you care about what we’re going through and that you’re not going to go out and formulate your own idea of what happened before you have the facts.

Ask Questions.  Take this time to learn about what it’s like to go through divorce.  If you do know what it’s like, embrace a different story and let it remind you that we’re all in this together.  Everyone’s situation is unique.  Practice active listening.

“I’m here for you/How can I help?”  Letting us know that you are there if we need to talk or vent or just need a friend to spend time with is priceless.  Maybe you can make yourself available for a coffee date, just to get your friend out and about and have some social time If nothing else.  Your friend may be in need of childcare while visiting lawyers, getting affairs in order, looking for a new job or new place to live, etc.  Though your friend may or may not accept it, you can at least offer to bring her a meal, mow her yard, or take the kids to the park for a couple of hours so she can have a bit of downtime.  Divorce is tough.  It’s good to know you have people who are willing to support you when you feel like you barely have any strength left.  Your friend will appreciate it.

“It’s okay (okay to feel how you feel, okay to grieve, okay to be angry, etc.).”  Divorce can send you through a whirlwind of feelings.  You can pretty much run the whole gamut of possible human emotions during the course of a single day.  It’s important not to judge a person’s anger, remorse, bitterness, sadness, pain, frustration, confusion, grief, or anything else he may be experiencing.  Validating your friend’s feelings is crucial to helping him through the healing process.

You’re not alone.  This is maybe the single best thing you can say to someone going through divorce.  Loneliness is one of the predominant feelings a person experiences when this happens.  Let your friend know that there are others who understand what it’s like to deal with this.  If you’ve never been divorced yourself, put your friend in touch with someone who has, maybe someone who is further along in their journey and can listen to them from a place of understanding and experience.  Nothing is more helpful on this journey than bonding with other people who know how you feel (which is my whole reason for starting this blog!).

Do you have any comments to add to any of these lists?  If so, I’d like to hear about them!

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together!

It was a year ago this month that I started packing up my ex-husband’s clothes and other belongings, putting them in boxes for him to pick up.  I had been eagerly awaiting a final court date, as the time frame for our divorce to be over had already been well overextended.  Before I began, my thoughts couldn’t see past surface ideas, such as having more closet space and being able to redecorate my bedroom.  However, when I started taking his clothes out of the closet and folding them up, my heart was sucker punched by a thousand memories.  I’d pick up a shirt and remember him wearing it to church or on the rare occasion when we would have a date night.  I’d look at the hats and jerseys of his favorite sports teams and remember how enthusiastic he was about football.  Over fifteen years, so many memories were made with this man, and not all of them bad ones.  As I was boxing up all of his things, the reality of this impending monumental goodbye started to hit me in a way I did not anticipate.  I both laughed and cried as I let the waves of memories, all the fond ones and all the painful ones, carry me through our fifteen year-long story we wrote together.  I was grieving the loss of the person who had been both my best friend and my worst enemy, and I was not prepared for it.

Some have said that divorce is like a death, only you have to relive it on a regular basis as you continue to interact with your ex.  Even their very existence is a constant reminder of a marriage that died.  The interesting thing about it is that even if the marriage was toxic and you know you are better off being out of it, there is still grief over a bond that was severed.  For most of my marriage, I didn’t feel much of a oneness with my husband.  There was usually so much tension and chaos in that relationship that I didn’t feel especially connected to him like I’d imagine a husband and wife should ideally feel with each other, nor did I really wish to by the end of it.  However, the day I left, I instantly felt more love for him than I’d felt in years mixed with an indescribable pain in the very core of myself.  I probably experienced every emotion that exists all at one time.  It was soul-sickening.  During those first couple months, as I was talking to the lawyer and getting documents together, I could almost physically feel that bond being ripped apart.  It felt like having a body part cut off!  The separation of two hearts joined together in that way, whether for better or for worse, is traumatic.

Most of us have heard of the five stages of grief:  denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  We typically associate this process with the death of a loved one.  I definitely believe that this is something we go through in the case of divorce.  Though we don’t always experience them in that particular order, I think we all go through most of these phases at some point along the way.  Let’s take a look at how this might play out for those of us experiencing grief by way of divorce.

DENIAL/ISOLATION:  At first, we may not want to believe that this is actually happening.  It takes some time to digest the fact that the life we built with this person has just received a fatal blow and that, from now on, things are going to be different.  If you are still in love with your spouse when the divorce hits, it’s hard to let go.  Although this wasn’t the case for me, I have watched friends and loved ones suffer on a profound level over the loss of someone their heart still longs for.  If you still love your ex, it’s hard to let go of a hope that maybe, just maybe, things can be fixed. You’re fighting against the ripping apart of that bond that was created.  But sadly, sometimes we do have to say goodbye to something or someone before we’re ready to.  If you’re not in love with your spouse, it’s still hard to believe that your life is about to change in a major way. You may even go back and forth with trying to decide whether or not to end an unhealthy marriage because the concept of actually putting an end to it is too much to take in. In regards to isolation, I think that is perhaps a reaction that depends on the individual.  I did the opposite, trying to surround myself with people as often as possible to the point that I was nearly obsessed with not being alone (which didn’t prove to be a healthy mindset at times).  I do know of others, though, who preferred to stay to themselves.  Perhaps you assume responsibility for the end of the marriage and don’t want to face anyone.  Maybe you feel like no one understands what you’re going through, or you’re sick of hearing people tell you that it’s over and you need to just accept it.  Maybe your only friends are mutual friends with your ex, and you don’t want that constant reminder of what you’re about to lose.  Or maybe you just need to get away from everyone so that you can think clearly about things.  Whatever the case, isolation is a common reaction.

,ANGER:  I feel like this happens when we begin to essentially thaw out from the shock of what’s happening.  As I’m sure you know quite well, anger is a significant stage of the whole divorce journey.  Obviously, we may have serious tension with our ex, from fighting over who gets what and trying to sort things out financially to ugly custody disputes.  We also may be angry with our ex if they did something specific to bring about the dissolution of the marriage, such as in the case of cheating or abuse.  But we also may be angry over the simple fact that things didn’t work out.  Our anger may be at ourselves as well as at our former spouses.  You may go through moments of thinking, “if only I had done things differently, if only I’d listened more, tried harder, compromised more often, etc.”  If you were responsible for the marriage coming to an end, you may feel guilt and shame on top of anger. Divorce can make us feel like we failed in a fundamental area of life, regardless of how or why it happened.  The anger we experience, whether at ourselves or our spouses, can cause us to react in some unhealthy and even bizarre ways at times (we will talk about the “post-divorce flip out” at another time!). 

BARGAINING:  This, to me, is pretty much the tail end of the denial phase.  I think denial, anger, and bargaining are like one huge block of the grief stage made up of three different reactions, all of which are evidence that we have not fully come to terms with the reality we’re facing.  Why?  Because that reality sucks mightily.  It feels like crap and is not pretty at all to look at.  So, in the case of bargaining, we may say or do things to try to get our spouses to change their minds and work the marriage out.  Maybe you do something nice for your spouse, like send them a gift, mow their lawn, wash their car, etc.  Maybe you have lengthy, emotional conversations professing your love and vowing to change if they will just give it one more chance.  You may even bargain with God, promising your devotion to Him if He will please intervene and work a miracle to save your marriage.  In my case, my bargaining phase came later on, after the divorce process was already underway.  I didn’t want to save the marriage, but wanted my loneliness resolved as soon as possible.  I wanted the gaping hole in my heart filled with genuine love and wanted it to pretty much happen overnight.  I could accept the marriage being over but couldn’t accept being so very starkly alone (and thus embarked on the “flip out” stage we will be discussing soon), and so begged God to please, please send someone special to me and made promises on my end if He would only do that for me.  Whatever it looks like for you, many of us may go through a time where we promise our spouses, our loved ones, or even God that we will do whatever we have to do to make this pain go away and make everything feel “right” again.

DEPRESSION:  I really think this can hit us at any point in this process, but it seems to be worse after we come to the conclusion that no matter what we do, divorce is going to happen.  It’s over.  The marriage has come to an end.  I find it necessary to mention at this point that true depression is much more than just a major case of the blues.  If you’re wondering if what you’re experiencing qualifies as depression that may need professional treatment, please check out this article from the American Psychological Association https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/depression.aspx., and call a local 24-hour crisis hotline if need be (I’ve spoken to a crisis counselor before).   Depression is no joke.  It is a very serious issue.  If you are struggling with this, please seek help.  Being depressed does not make you weak.  It is a very common response to trauma, which divorce can definitely be classified as.  Do not be afraid to reach out to people who are there to listen and help you get back on your feet.  And remember, it takes time-do not try to force yourself to get better faster than you are able to.  Let the process of healing run it’s natural course. However, don’t stay stuck in the darkness.  Take your time, but do let the wounds heal up.  You can get through this.  You are not alone.

ACCEPTANCE:  It can take a while to reach this stage of the journey. Honestly, I feel that even after we have come to a place of acceptance, the other stages of grief still resurface from time to time.  One day, we may see or hear something that triggers a memory for us, and a wave of anger may wash over us.  Or the entire weight of the divorce may simply…….hit all at once on a random day, and we become mildly depressed for a few days.  Maybe we feel like we’re in a healthy place and doing better than ever until our former spouse starts dating again.  Then, all of a sudden, so many memories and feelings, good and bad, come forcefully rushing back.  Acceptance is a journey all on its own.  It comes in pieces…..accepting the reality of the situation, accepting how you feel and how your ex feels, accepting that your children’s lives are permanently altered by this, accepting that you now have to find a new way of navigating through life, accepting the damage that has been done and taking on the effort required to feel whole again.  It is a lot to take in.  Also, everyone reaches acceptance at a different pace.  Every individual is unique, as is every relationship.  No two divorces are identical.  If you feel that you are struggling and you know someone who is further in their journey, reach out to them.  If you see someone struggling and you feel that you are further along, extend your hand to them.  We need each other!

I’m certainly not a professional.  I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor or a scholar of any kind.  These are simply my humble observations about the process we go through.  One thing that helped me more than anything was knowing that I was not the only one going through this divorce thing.  I wasn’t the only one who understood how this feels.  Finding people who “get it,” who have been there and can relate to all these crazy ups and downs, all these mixed up feelings and stages of grief, has been priceless.  Although grief is not an easy thing to talk about, I hope that by reading this, you will see that whatever you’re feeling right now is okay.  You have a right to it.  You are not the only one going through this.  If you feel like you’re not progressing as fast as you should, give yourself a break.  I know I’ve said it frequently in just this one post, but it really does take time.  Healing and wholeness and a new and beautiful life is something you can have.  And even if it takes years, I honestly believe that when we finally start to heal, underneath all of this grief and brokenness, we discover the warrior within us. 

I am strong.  You are strong.  Let’s do this together.

So, here we are in 2019! Happy New Year! I hope your year is off to a great start so far. I usually enjoy the first day of a new year. Honestly, it’s really just another day. January 1 is not all that different from December 31 or January 2. In reality, it’s just another twenty-four hour stretch on the calendar. But I think the first day of a new year signifies a fresh start. It’s a chance to look back at the past year and remember and savor the good times, reflect on what we learned from the bad times, and set out on the first day of what we hope will be an even better year.

From what I’ve heard lately, it seems like 2018 was a tough one for a lot of people. For me, it was the best of times and the worst of times. It was the first year of my life that I had total freedom to make my own choices and be myself. I met some amazing people who have brought me so much joy. I have definitely learned a lot about myself and about relationships, which is a never-ending journey in both cases. I adopted some new hobbies and discovered some talents I didn’t know I had. I experienced my share of low moments, though. I made a lot of terrible mistakes. I met some not-so-great people out there. I got my heart broken badly more than once. I also got divorced after 15 years of marriage. I guess it would be accurate to say that 2018 was quite the roller coaster ride for me.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about creating new memories, making broken things into beautiful things. Around the beginning of last year, I was looking around in various thrift stores (something I love to do!) for a full length mirror to go in my bedroom. I had been wanting one for a long time and thought I might try my hand at buying a nice used one and repainting it. I was fortunate to find an absolutely beautiful oval mirror for $20.00 (that is my kind of deal)! I didn’t exactly know what I was doing, but I thought I would just jump in and give it a shot. Now, I had never renovated anything in my life……I did not realize that hand-sanding wooden spindles can be a ridiculously tedious job! I literally hand-sanded this entire piece, the mirror frame and the whole entire stand that came with it. You better believe I bought an electric sander after that project! It took some time and effort, but I eventually turned it into a beautiful piece that I was proud of. Next, I upcycled an end table. After that, I painted a huge rocking chair for a friend. I have now refurbished and sold several different things. Who knew I could do this? It’s been exciting to discover things I’m good at that I was never aware of before.

There was one piece in particular, though, that was extremely difficult to work with. I bought a large handmade bookshelf for $5.00 and thought I had just hit the jackpot! However, when I started trying to sand it, I realized that it was covered in several thick layers of paint. As I applied coat after coat of various strippers and scraped huge clumps of gross paint off this thing. I found out that it had a layer of light blue paint underneath a layer of bright yellow…..underneath a layer of bright orange…..underneath at least one, if not two layers of very gummy white paint. Oh. My. Goodness. Now, I realize that this may sound just a little bit….well, “different”….but I name my furniture pieces. This bookshelf was named Hank….Hank the Hellion (my apologies to all the Hanks out there). Hank and I started having a very rocky relationship with one another! I burned my skin on Jasco paint stripper, inhaled Goof Off fumes, went through tons of sandpaper squares, wrecked my garage floor….I thought I would never be able to make Hank into anything half decent. There were times I just wanted to give up on him altogether. But FINALLY…..after working on him for several months, I had a lovely navy bookshelf with fabric-backed shelves that is currently for sale! Looking at the mess that was Hank before, it didn’t look like anything could be done to fix him. Looking now, that is probably one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever worked on. Hank cleaned up quite nicely. : )

Is there something in your life that looks like it can’t be fixed? Maybe you have a painful memory. If you’re reading this and you’ve been through divorce, I’m sure you have several of those. Major holidays often bring up uncomfortable memories for us. Maybe these days remind you of the way things once were, good times that you will never experience again. Or maybe you’re reminded of bad times that you don’t want to think about but that can’t help but haunt you around this time of year. Maybe you’re alone now and don’t know what to make of days when most people are celebrating with their loving families. And you know what? That hurts. And it sucks. And it’s okay that it hurts. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to get down about it. That is all a part of the healing process, and an important one at that.

I think there are layers to this whole thing we’re all going through, one of those being that cold, aching layer of realizing that things are different now. It takes time to get through all the layers to where we can start to create something new and beautiful out of all the damage that has been done. Maybe you feel like you’re the one who has caused a lot of the damage you’re suffering from and are dealing with guilt right now. But let me encourage you that no matter what has happened, you can make something new and beautiful. Will it look like what you had before? No, probably not. Will it happen overnight? Definitely not. Will it sometimes feel like you’re taking two steps backward for every step you take forward? Yes, most likely. But if you keep trying…….if you get back up each time you get down……..if you allow yourself to feel the pain but you refuse to camp out there…..if you give yourself grace when you fail and love yourself more with each moment of progress you make……you will see something beautiful emerge from this wreckage. It just takes time to work through it all in order to get to the good parts. Don’t ever give up. Don’t stop sanding! : )

So, how about this new year we’re looking at right now? You think we can make something beautiful out of it? I think we can. For me, I have to strip off guilt over the very, very dumb mistakes I’ve made. I have to work through layers of severe trust issues from having been deeply hurt and mistreated. I’m finding out that there actually are good people out there who can be trusted. I have to scrape away the layer that tries to annihilate my newfound confidence and make me revert to believing the lie that I am an unlovable failure. I have fallen down a lot this past year, but I will always…..always…..keep getting back up. I want to see my beautiful. I am already seeing glimpses of it! What are your layers? How are you working through it? You’re not alone. You’ve got this. Your beautiful is on its way.

I am strong. You are strong. Let’s do this together!

Featherly is a strange-sounding word, likely because it actually isn’t a word at all. I do admit to adding my own personal creations to my vocabulary from time to time. : ) I’m sure I’m not the first person to use this word. However, I do have a unique explanation as to why I choose to identify with it.

When I first started the divorce process, one big step for me was changing my email. Being the artsy person that I am, I had to put a lot of thought into an interesting email address. I’m just not one of those people that can use some variation of their name, maybe stick their birthday or year of graduation on the end, and call it a day (not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course). I remember sitting in my parents’ spare bedroom in their home in North Carolina, the only bed I’d slept in for over two weeks, trying to figure out what to “name myself.” I thought about the new life that possibly awaited me and wanted something that symbolized that (yes, I realize that I got pretty damn deep about an email address). I kept thinking of words like “new” and “free” and “freedom.” Nothing was really striking a chord with me.

I started thinking about the feeling of being weightless and light. I thought about what a burden would be lifted off of me once I was finally out of the situation I had been in for so long, one of abuse and control. So, what was weightless and light? Obviously, a feather was the first thing that came to mind. I started thinking about the characteristics of a feather, how they move and float through the air, and realized that if you try to throw a feather into the air………you really can’t. You can toss it up, but it’s not easy to force it to go as high as you want or in any direction you want it to go. Feathers just kind of do their own thing. They’re a bit resistant to control. When the feather starts to float downward, the turns it will take and the exact place it will land is unpredictable. It will spin, turn, weave throughout the air in its own way. But no matter where it lands, it will land softly.

Looking at the sum of all these features, I said, “That’s me!” No longer would I be tossed wherever someone wanted me to go. I wouldn’t be forced to jump when someone said to or take the direction they chose for me. Yes, my life had been totally thrown up in the air into a crazy realm of unpredictability. In that moment, I had no idea what turn it would take and no way of knowing where I would ultimately land. But one thing I did know is that I would land softly. I would be fine. I had been through so much at that point that I felt confident I would be able to handle anything that came my way in the future. I was impossible to control, totally unpredictable, and strong enough to make it no matter what. I was “featherly.”

The feather has kind of become my personal symbol since then. About a month after I officially filed for divorce, I got my very first tattoo…..a feather with the word “free” over the top of it. I am finally free from those confining circumstances, free from the fear and the abuse, free from the choke hold on my true self.

The “173” simply stands for “2017,” the year I decided to get out of my situation, plus a “3” for myself and my two kids – a new family made up of just the three of us. This all seems like a small thing, just a silly made-up word. But for me, it was the first step in finally recognizing my true identity and having a say over who I want to be.

Do you have a personal symbol that you identify with? Maybe you have a phrase that you say to yourself to remind yourself that you’re strong and you can make it. Is there a place you go or music you listen to, something you carry in your wallet or purse, something you meditate on when life gets you down, something that gets you back in touch with who you are and uplifts you? If you’re reading this and you have something like that for yourself, let me know in the comments!

I am strong. You are strong. Let’s do this together.